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Clean jokes for a dirty world

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Nose Ring

I was hanging out with a blonde friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
The New Pastor

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
 
Anneliese;204862 said:
The New Pastor

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

LOLL LOLLL....Oh! my gosh! That's a great one! LOL
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
SOUTHERN CHARM

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a sh--?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"....
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Oh, Oh


A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and 'in heat’, agreed to look after and house her neighbors' male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the veterinarian, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After having the problem explained to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."


"Do you think that will work?" she asked. "It just worked for me" he replied.
:D:D:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER
>
>
>
> If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
> when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
> date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
>
> Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
> that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date
> experience.
>
> There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
>
> She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had
> taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a
> day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met
> before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were
> headed home late that afternoon..
>
> They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
> realize that
> she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away
> from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion
> suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately,
> because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she
> told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it
> would be the front seat of his car
>
> They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants
> down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she
> let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself..
>
> Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
> was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.. All she could think
> about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of
> the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another
> sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her
> buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues
> frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her
> flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new
> problem, due to the extreme cold.
>
> Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
> answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long'with a reply
> that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
> assistance!
>
> He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
> then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She
> too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
> they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was,
> they also were faced with a real problem.
>
> Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the
> grip of the icy
> metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the
> first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her
> free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to
> unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
>
> As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
> hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your
> first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new
> meaning to being pissed off.'
>
> Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
> sitting next to her
> on the Leno show.
>

>
> Kelli's thought for a moral to this story.....if a guy you are dating is
> willing to pee on your frozen butt.....He's a keeper!!! LOL!! :)
>
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

:D:D:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Subject: Ole and Lena


Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.
Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.
When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her gray curls on the pillow.
"Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.
He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"
:D:D:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Four Moms in therapy -- PRICELESS ....

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, ****, this guy has
no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from
school and go get dinner.
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS
IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A
FAX!!
:D:D:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Irishgirl;205437 said:
OH! My Gosh!LOL LOL good one..... Hey girl were in the world have you been. I still cannot navigate this forum to email you. Happy Thanksgiving!
Hey girlfriend!! I have been around but not too much lately!! I am doing great!! "Happy Thanksgiving" to you too.