Clean jokes for a dirty world

ORANGATUANG

Wildfire
Here is an couple of funny ones..

Two asian heroin addicts injected them selves with curry powder by mistake both of them are in intensive care..

One has an dodgy tikka and the other one is in an korma..

and this one..


i had an mate whom was suicidal.. he was very depressed..so i pushed him in front of an steam train..he was chuffed to bits ..

and this one..

police in london have found an bomb outside an mosque..they told the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside..


these funnies are from an email i got labelled 'british humour'(politically very incorrect)..
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Praise The Lord!

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist.
Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and
shouts "Praise the Lord!".

Now the atheist yells back, "There is no God". Yet She does
this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the
lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food.
So she goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with
groceries, then says "Praise the Lord".

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the
groceries she'd asked for, and, of course she says "Praise the
Lord". The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha,
I bought those groceries - there is no God".

The lady looks at him, smiles and shouts "Praise the Lord,
not only did You provide for me Lord, You made satan pay for
it!!!!".
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Chicken Farmer @ Tax Time

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year"

Chicken Farmer it is."

:D:D:D
 

lutje

Member
THe man say that he is greater than a women.
Thats no true,the women is greater than a man,you may turn a
round i you whant.
I let the man think????
Lutje.
 

lutje

Member
I hope that man find it,the man say that the greater than than a women
this not true ,the women are greater than a man ,the man may teurn this a round if he wond,the women cant not in the man ,the man well.
And i hope that the man anderstand that,i now that very much women gone be very hard smile.this is a realy joke,and women you cant let the man stand stil.
Lutje
 

Irishgirl

Active Member
Anneliese, you are a bad girl. HA!HA!. Love it! I happen to have chickens and they are a lot of work and every year I have new pullets hatch and about 52 % of them are pecking roosters. Really good. See ya
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Irishgirl;201729 said:
Anneliese, you are a bad girl. HA!HA!. Love it! I happen to have chickens and they are a lot of work and every year I have new pullets hatch and about 52 % of them are pecking roosters. Really good. See ya


MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE??????????????????NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Glad you like it, I thought it was funny!!:D:D:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Can't Go Home

A young man volunteered to baby-sit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young man kept sending him back.

At 9pm, the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbour Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No". Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom but he won't let me go home."

:D:D:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Dear Abby

The following are a few letters sent to Abigail Van Burin (Dear Abby) that she herself admitted she was at a loss to answer:

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

:D:D:D
 
Some fun for the weekend

Sweet Friends of mine, Have a wonderful, joyful, positive weekend full of love and laughter. Enjoy, Blessings.
A Cowboy Fruitcake Recipe
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup, and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Trun off the mixter. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar orsomething. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.
Holy Happydaze!

Kat
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
cathleen_jones@yahoo.com;201746 said:
Sweet Friends of mine, Have a wonderful, joyful, positive weekend full of love and laughter. Enjoy, Blessings.
A Cowboy Fruitcake Recipe
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup, and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Trun off the mixter. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar orsomething. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.
Holy Happydaze!

Kat

Now THAT is funny Kat!! :D:D:D:D

Thanks for a good laugh!!:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

So true!! :D :D :D
 
WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
>
> Dear Diary,
> For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training
> at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a
> high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good
> idea to go ahead and give it a try.
>
> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
> named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
> and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
>
> Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
> encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
> ________________________________
> MONDAY:
> Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
> was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting
> for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and
> a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
>
> Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed
> watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
> workout today. Very inspiring!
>
> Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
> already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
>
> This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> ________________________________
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
> he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
> made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
> GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
> _______________________________
> WEDNESDAY:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
> the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
> hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
> or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
> other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the
> morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY
> annoying.
> My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the
> stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me
> get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.
> _______________________________
> THURSDAY:
> Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as
> his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
> being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
> He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I
> ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
> Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
> _________________________________
> FRIDAY:
> I hate that ******* Christo more than any human being has ever
> hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
> anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my
> body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
> Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
> And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells
> or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
> teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or
> the choir director?
> ________________________________
> SATURDAY:
> Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
> shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his
> voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked
> the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
> straight hours of the Weather Channel..
> ________________________________
> SUNDAY:
> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
> and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
> husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a
> hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have
> sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
>
>
 
Humour

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne .

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't
worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he says, "this cheque is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have!"
 
anneliese;202967 said:
bbq rules

we are about to enter the bbq season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the bbq the following chain of events are put into motion:

routine...

(1) the woman buys the food.
(2) the woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) the woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) the woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:

(5) the man places the meat on the grill.

more routine...

(6) the woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) the woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

important again:

(8) the man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

more routine...
(9) the woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) after eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

and most important of all:

(11) everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

(12) the man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

so true!! :d :d :d

very good!
 
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