WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
>
> Dear Diary,
> For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training
> at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a
> high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good
> idea to go ahead and give it a try.
>
> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
> named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
> and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
>
> Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
> encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
> ________________________________
> MONDAY:
> Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
> was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting
> for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and
> a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
>
> Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed
> watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
> workout today. Very inspiring!
>
> Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
> already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
>
> This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> ________________________________
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
> he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
> made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
> GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
> _______________________________
> WEDNESDAY:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
> the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
> hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
> or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
> other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the
> morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY
> annoying.
> My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the
> stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me
> get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.
> _______________________________
> THURSDAY:
> Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as
> his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
> being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
> He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I
> ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
> Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
> _________________________________
> FRIDAY:
> I hate that ******* Christo more than any human being has ever
> hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
> anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my
> body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
> Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
> And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells
> or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
> teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or
> the choir director?
> ________________________________
> SATURDAY:
> Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
> shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his
> voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked
> the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
> straight hours of the Weather Channel..
> ________________________________
> SUNDAY:
> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
> and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
> husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a
> hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have
> sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
>
>