Clean jokes for a dirty world

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Hair in Dog's Ears

My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."

:D:D:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was
taken to the


hospital.


While on the operating table she had a
near death experience.


Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"


God said, "No, you have another 43
years, 2 months and 8 days to


live."


Upon recovery, the woman decided to
stay in the hospital and


have a face-lift, liposuction, breast
implants and a tummy tuck. She


even had someone come in and change her hair
colour and brighten her


teeth! Since she had so much more time to
live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.


After her last operation, she was
released from the hospital.


While crossing the street on her way home,
she was killed by an


ambulance.


Arriving in front of God, she
demanded, "I thought you said I


had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me
from out of the path of the


ambulance?"


(You'll love this)









God replied: " I didn't recognize you."
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! "I've been divorced three times, I voted for Obama and now drive a Toyota .
:D:D:D
 

Donald Lee Wilkey

A Steven Seagal fan
Anneliese;203178 said:
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was
taken to the


hospital.


While on the operating table she had a
near death experience.


Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"


God said, "No, you have another 43
years, 2 months and 8 days to


live."


Upon recovery, the woman decided to
stay in the hospital and


have a face-lift, liposuction, breast
implants and a tummy tuck. She


even had someone come in and change her hair
colour and brighten her


teeth! Since she had so much more time to
live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.


After her last operation, she was
released from the hospital.


While crossing the street on her way home,
she was killed by an


ambulance.


Arriving in front of God, she
demanded, "I thought you said I


had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me
from out of the path of the


ambulance?"


(You'll love this)









God replied: " I didn't recognize you."

Ann,
how do I email this joke? I like it
 

Donald Lee Wilkey

A Steven Seagal fan
Anneliese;201682 said:
Praise The Lord!

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist.
Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and
shouts "Praise the Lord!".

Now the atheist yells back, "There is no God". Yet She does
this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the
lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food.
So she goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with
groceries, then says "Praise the Lord".

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the
groceries she'd asked for, and, of course she says "Praise the
Lord". The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha,
I bought those groceries - there is no God".

The lady looks at him, smiles and shouts "Praise the Lord,
not only did You provide for me Lord, You made satan pay for
it!!!!".

Like this one too:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Don, you can copy and paste and then e-mail it to who ever you want. Or I can e-mail those to you and you can forward them to your friends.
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years."

The cow objected, "What? This kind of a tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "You are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20 years."

The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.

On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span."

The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back." So God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span."

The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!....Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed.

AND THAT'S WHY.... In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people!

:D:D:D
 
Doctor jokes

After doing the test, the gynaecologist makes a stamp to belly of young woman but keeps still.
- Hey Doctor, what is this; I can’t read those very tiny letters.
- Don’t ask me M’m, you gonna see it at right time.
3 months later she sees the stamp started to grow and now she can spell the text, which is: See your doctor you are probably pregnant!

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Psychiatrist signs up patient Jack and fills out a questionnaire for him:
- What’s your name?
- Tom Cruise
The doctor stares at patient and asks:
- Didn’t we treat you even last year with name Diana Ross. !??
- Oh yeah, …that was my maiden name….:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,'What a Great chest you have!'

He tells her,'That's 100 lbs.Of dynamite,Baby.

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,
'What massive calves you have!'

The body builder tells her,'That's 100 lbs.Of dynamite,Baby.

He then removes his underwear and the blonde
goes running out of the apartment screaming
in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and
chases after her. He catches up to her and asks
why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

:D:D:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Getting old is so hard at times

Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.

Now I talk like an A**hole

but my gums don't itch!!

:D:D:D
 
:DBLONDIE
Bloke is mowing the grass in front of his house. Picks up his attractive neighbour, a Blondie, coming out of house; goes to post letterbox then with a big burr shots it and goes back.
After a while she runs out of house again, goes to post letterbox then with a big burr shots it and goes back. Our bloke is wondering what happens but keeps mowing.
In less than 5 minutes whole scene repeats itself. Blondie out, post letterbox, staring, shuts it, back to the house.
Bloke is rubbing his hair, mowing further. And Blondie of course turns up again as a fury in a big hurry…
Then our bloke asks her:
- is there any problem, dear?
-Oh yes, very much! My stupid PC is repeating always: ‘you got mail’
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Shirley & Marcy

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'
Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'
The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.

And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it.
The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.

May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.
 
Welcome to the 21st Century


Our communication - Wireless
Our phones - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our food - Fatless
Our Sweets - Sugarless

Our labor - Effortless

Our relations - Fruitless
Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Worthless

Our Mistakes - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our youth - Jobless

Our Ladies - Topless

Our Boss - Brainless

Our Jobs - Thankless
Our Needs - Endless
Our situation - Hopeless

Our Salaries - > Less and less
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
How to Tell the S*x of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?"
She asked.


"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone".

:D:D:D
 
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