Clean jokes for a dirty world

[Anneliese]

Barrack Obama was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo.
Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Obama says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you were driving.'
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Obama.
Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My god, what happened to you?' asks Obama.
The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle
of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say to them?' asks Obama.
'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, 'I'm
Barrack Obama's chauffeur and I've just killed the jacka**.

 

[Irishgirl]

LOL....good one! Great!

 

[yudansha]

the love dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.


"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

 

[Anneliese]

a woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.


"what are you doing?!" she asked.

"i'm waiting for mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"but you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"this is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"love dress? But you're naked!"

"mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." it excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

the mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic cd, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "what are you doing?" he asked.

"this is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"needs ironing," he said. "what's for dinner?"

lmao :d:d:d

 

[Anneliese]

Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

 

[Anneliese]

Subject: Hypnotist at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you
into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude
withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique
watch. It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations." He
began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch
until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"S***!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

Of course, Claude was never invited back to entertain.

 

[Anneliese]

Tech Support---FUNNY!


Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.
...............................................
.
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my DVD
out !!!
Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure it's really stuck.
Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn't inserted it
yet. It's still on my desk . . . sorry. Thank you.
..............................................
.
Tech Support: Click on the 'MY COMPUTER' icon on the
left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
..............................................
.
Tech Support: Hello. How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hi .. . . I can't print.
Tech Support: Would you click on 'START' for me and . .
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on
me. I'm not Billi Gates!!!
..............................................
.
Customer: Good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't
print. Every time I try, it says . . .. 'CAN'T FIND
PRINTER'. I even lifted the printer and placed it
in front of the monitor, but the computer still
says it can't find it!!!
..............................................
.
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah . . . . . .. . . . . thank you.
..............................................
.
Tech Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for
me at the 7-11 store.
...............................................
.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged
into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten
steps backwards.
Customer: Okay..
Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Wait a
moment please. . .. . . . . Ah, that one does work.
Thanks.
..............................................
.
Tech Support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in
apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'.
Customer: Is that '7' in capital letters?
..............................................
.
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the
correct password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure I saw my co-worker do it.
Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
..............................................
.
Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape
Tech Support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.
..............................................
.
Customer: I have a huge problem! My friend has
placed a screen saver on my computer . . . but,
every time I move my mouse, it disappears.
..............................................
.
Tech Support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
but how do I get the little circle around it.
..............................................
.
A woman customer called the Canon help desk because
she had a problem with her printer.
Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that
is a good point. The man sitting next to me is by
a window, and his printer is working fine!
...............................................
.
.
And last, but not least . . .

Tech Support: Okay Bob, press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen. Now, type the letter 'P' to bring
up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a 'P'.
Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean ?
Tech Support: 'P' . . .. on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!
..............................................
.
This outta make you feel better about your computer skills!

 

[Anneliese]

A Blonde in a Southern Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation
has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie
and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party
who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian
Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is
a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart you will
feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic
rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she
spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were
a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you
were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
roared!

 

[Anneliese]

THE NUN AT HOOTERS

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while all the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there, wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way." said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us." said the bartender. "Would you like a drink? It's on the house."
"No, thank you. But, I still don't understand." said the puzzled nun.

"Well, sister," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the figleaf on that statue in the restroom, all the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

 

[Irishgirl]

LOL Good One! How are you Anneliese?

 

[Anneliese]

LOL Good One! How are you Anneliese?

Thanks!! I am fine, waiting for this awful weather to change. Bitter cold and ice and snow. Give me Spring anytime, except then we have tornadoes!! Ah Kansas, you just got to love it!!

 

[Irishgirl]

The Northeast is getting a pretty good Winter this year. It's been a while since we've had a winter like this, but Spring sounds good to me!

I have to say, that is was a lot of fun taking the Grandchildren out sledding last week. We hook a big rope to the back of the four wheeler, and pulled each other through the fields. It was awesome!

A good time was had by all who attended.

Believe it or not I've seen tornadoes in PA

See ya have a great weekend!

 

[yudansha]

the irish lubricant

Irish Murphy's' wife had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had a son!

'Ain't that grand!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on, we ain't finished yet!'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph, you got a daughter! She is a pretty lil’ ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain’t done yet!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of them babies?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.’

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember that night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember that night...'


Murph said, 'I'll tell you, it's a real good ting we didn't use WD-40!’

 

[Anneliese]

Irish Murphy's' wife had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had a son!

'Ain't that grand!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on, we ain't finished yet!'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph, you got a daughter! She is a pretty lil’ ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain’t done yet!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of them babies?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.’

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember that night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember that night...'


Murph said, 'I'll tell you, it's a real good ting we didn't use WD-40!’

LMAO!! Thanks for the good laugh today!!

 

[cathleen_jones@yahoo.com]

Geez....Ann!

 

[Anneliese]

Geez....Ann!

Geez Luise!!LOL

 

[Anneliese]

POOF and the light goes off

An 86-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his test results come back normal.

The doctor says, "Dan everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Dan replies, "God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof* the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof* the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Dan's wife.
"Marianne, he says, Dan is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof* the light goes off?"
"OH MY GOD!" Marianne exclaims.

"He's peeing in the refrigerator again!!"

 

[Irishgirl]

LOL....LOL....LoL....

 

[Anneliese]

The wife and I were home watching TV.

I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a

fishing channel and the "adult" channel.

Annoyed, she finally said,

"For God's sake! Leave it on the adult channel!

You already know how to fish!"

 

[Anneliese]

Splinters in her Crotch

A woman from Los Angeles , CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."

 

[Irishgirl]

LOL! Ouch!