Clean jokes for a dirty world

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
BITCHOLOGY

When I stand up for
Myself and my beliefs,
They call me a
Bitch.

When I stand up for
Those I love,
They call me a
Bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
Or do things my own way, they call me a
Bitch.

Being a Bitch.
Means I won't
Compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am defined as a
Bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for
myself instead of being everyone's maid,

It means I have the courage and strength
to allow myself to be who I truly am
and won't become anyone else's idea
of what they think I 'should' be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined..
I want what I want
and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me,
just try to douse my inner flame,
try to squash every ounce of beauty
I hold within me. You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a Bitch. ,so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle 'anything'



'If you can't do something right,
get a woman to do it.'





Have a wonderful day ladies!!:D:D:D
 

ORANGATUANG

Wildfire
Your right girl... lol... iam so glad iam not an blonde..mind you i do have some moments for some one with black hair... oh yes indeed..any more Anneliese...
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
A couple has a dog that snores.
Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles,
and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.
He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.

The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.
So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor
and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,
'I don't know where we were or what we did,
but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!

:D:D:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
•¸¸¸.•*¨*•☆ Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly on a broomstick. Be warned. We are flexible like that. :D:D:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for MY age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks or barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is
very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
fishing, hiking or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a s***? :D:D:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

'Good trade.....' :D:D:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
The Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him,

"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in
an old age home?"


"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup
and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."


"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because
it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?" :D:D:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
GARFIELD ON THE OIL CRISIS


A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
Texas
~~~

Our dipsticks are located in DC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D:D:D
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
Even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
Exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
This jar home and bring back a semen sample
Tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
At the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
Which was as clean and empty as on the
Previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
With my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
Her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
Then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
And she tried too, first with both hands, then an
Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
Her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
 

Irishgirl

Active Member
Any father will tell ya that parents spend the first 2-3 years of a daughter's life trying to teach them to talk, and the next 15 or so trying to get them to shut-up.
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Irishgirl;206830 said:
Any father will tell ya that parents spend the first 2-3 years of a daughter's life trying to teach them to talk, and the next 15 or so trying to get them to shut-up.

So true!!LOL
 

Anneliese

Happy go Lucky
Subject: Flower Show


Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The short one, Jackie leaned over and said,

'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Dorace, holding up a $10.00 note.

So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement... !'


Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly
Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably
And never regret anything that made you smile!









________________________________________
 

ORANGATUANG

Wildfire
Here is an blonde joke...

This blonde went out to her letter box had an look in nothing there slammed the lid down and went back inside an few minutes later came back out checked her letter box nothing there slammed the lid down again and went back inside few minutes later came back out checked her letter box still nothing there slammed her lid down again her male neighbour whom was mowing his lawn asked 'whats up?' the blonde said 'my stupid computer keeps saying i have MAIL'... yup an blonde joke for sure..
 

Irishgirl

Active Member
Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said: ‘Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future.’
‘Why?’ Paddy asked.
‘Because’ said Mick ‘all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday’
Paddy said. ‘Silly buggers ! – the laugh’s on them. I wasn’t home yesterday. !!’
 
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