ORANGATUANG
Wildfire
maybe that duck could whoop stevens ass ..see it now martial artist done by an duck..well could be worse could be an rooster ...
Clean jokes for a dirty world
- Thread starter Anneliese
- Start date
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
An oldie but goodie!
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend.
I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people".
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived", said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral:
Never, Never, Never Be Late!
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend.
I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people".
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived", said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral:
Never, Never, Never Be Late!
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
He said to me ... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him ... You wear pants don't you?
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
He said to me ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him ... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me ... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... They don't have time.
He said to me ... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him ... I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me ... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
I said to him ... They already have boyfriends.
He said to me ... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him ... A widow.
He said to me ... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
I said to him ... You wear pants don't you?
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
He said to me ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him ... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me ... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... They don't have time.
He said to me ... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him ... I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me ... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
I said to him ... They already have boyfriends.
He said to me ... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him ... A widow.
He said to me ... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
SMART ASS:
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid.
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid.
BarbaraAnn101
Well-Known Member
A Wish To Live Forever
I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of
their asses!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
Cathleen Jones
New Member
And she left us yesterday............
BarbaraAnn101
Well-Known Member
She brought us so much joy thru this forum....she will be missed greatly. Thank you for letting us know.
ORANGATUANG
Wildfire
Dont worry iam sure Anneliese is having an good laugh up in heaven and we will do her proud by keeping this thread going..an friend sent me this one and yes pick on the guys again 
Q. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A. An rumor
Q. What do you call an handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy
Q. Why do men whistle while sitting on the toilet?
A. It helps them remember which end to wipe
Q.How do you keep your husband from reading your emails?
A. Rename the email folder 'instruction manual'
Q. Why do little boy's whine?
A. They are practicing to be men
Q.What does it mean is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A.You did not hold the pillow down long enough
An couple were lying in bed and the man says'iam going to make you the happiest woman in the world'
and the woman replies ' i will miss you'
Dear lord
I pray for wisdom to understand my man, love to forgive him, and patience , for his moods.Because lord if i pray for strength i will beat him to death
amen..
Q. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A. An rumor
Q. What do you call an handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy
Q. Why do men whistle while sitting on the toilet?
A. It helps them remember which end to wipe
Q.How do you keep your husband from reading your emails?
A. Rename the email folder 'instruction manual'
Q. Why do little boy's whine?
A. They are practicing to be men
Q.What does it mean is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A.You did not hold the pillow down long enough
An couple were lying in bed and the man says'iam going to make you the happiest woman in the world'
and the woman replies ' i will miss you'
Dear lord
I pray for wisdom to understand my man, love to forgive him, and patience , for his moods.Because lord if i pray for strength i will beat him to death
amen..
BarbaraAnn101
Well-Known Member
MAMMOGRAM ASSAULT
While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady,
who
had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your
Honor,
I'm guilty but there were extenuating circumstances."
The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those
extenuating circumstances."
I did too so, I listened as the lady told her story.
"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I
was
met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from
ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm
Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip
to the
waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left
and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean
in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine", I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining
circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body
was in a holding pattern that defied gravity, with my other breast
wedged
between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass, when I heard and felt
a
zap!
Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag."
Then
she headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I
shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy, the door's wide open
so
you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right
back."
Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared.
That's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire"
found
me. Half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the
other
part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite, "Hi, how's it going?" Bubba (or possibly
Earl)
asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."
"OK, you take care now." Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The
power
came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch.
Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps."
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said, "Case
Dismissed!"
While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady,
who
had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your
Honor,
I'm guilty but there were extenuating circumstances."
The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those
extenuating circumstances."
I did too so, I listened as the lady told her story.
"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I
was
met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from
ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm
Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip
to the
waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left
and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean
in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine", I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining
circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body
was in a holding pattern that defied gravity, with my other breast
wedged
between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass, when I heard and felt
a
zap!
Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag."
Then
she headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I
shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy, the door's wide open
so
you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right
back."
Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared.
That's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire"
found
me. Half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the
other
part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite, "Hi, how's it going?" Bubba (or possibly
Earl)
asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."
"OK, you take care now." Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The
power
came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch.
Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps."
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said, "Case
Dismissed!"
Cathleen Jones
New Member
This is great you are maintaining here her tradition. Just I do on Facebook. But whenever I put on one of her jokes I always start to drop tears.I never thought before when reading a joke I could fall into tears instead of laughing
ORANGATUANG
Wildfire
Proves your human girl... time will heal all wounds ..just some will take longer..
BarbaraAnn101
Well-Known Member
In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR..
Who would know if he touched them? ;
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,
it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR..
Who would know if he touched them? ;
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,
it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
ORANGATUANG
Wildfire
R.O.T.F.L.I.A ( rolling on the floor legs in air) my god so true guess he wont go into an ladies loo again..lol
ORANGATUANG
Wildfire
R.O.T.F.L.I.A ( rolling on the floor legs in air) my god so true guess he wont go into an ladies loo again..lolas for MEN listening sure its what you call selective hearing and since he couldnt be bothered LISTENING selves him right..lol
as for MEN listening sure its what you call selective hearing and since he couldnt be bothered LISTENING selves him right..lol
ORANGATUANG
Wildfire
here is an OLD one but an good one..
Q. What is under an scotsmans kilt?
A. Your wife's lipstick
thank you Mr Craig Ferguson ( late late show CBS )
Q. What is under an scotsmans kilt?
A. Your wife's lipstick
thank you Mr Craig Ferguson ( late late show CBS )
Cathleen Jones
New Member
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they
stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties
and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business,they proceeded to go home
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said......
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they
stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties
and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business,they proceeded to go home
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said......
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'
BarbaraAnn101
Well-Known Member
LOL...that was a good one