Another little update.
Aikido, I find, is more than just the physical activity. It's also about building character, and self-discovery.
Despite some of my setbacks and how angry and frustrated I got in the early days (less so, now, but it does come back from time to time), I stuck to it and worked through my issues. My lack of confidence, my frustrations over my physical problems (still can't do my kaiten from either kneeling or standing positions, although if I get low enough to the floor :lower than kneeling? yes!:, I can actually do a respectable forward roll, on one side, and the back rolls aren't too bad), all of those I managed to work through, learning to be patient with myself, struggling through the pain of a slipped disc and spinal stenosis and sciatica, taking things slowly until I got it right.
My four year anniversary is coming up in January, and despite some people thinking I wouldn't stick it out, I'm still practicing.
There are people who are amazed at my stubborn persistence. There are those who respect how hard I work at aikido.
And there are those who don't.
One practitioner has been, shall we say, less than enthusiastic about my presence. I'd practice with her from time to time, and she was constantly correcting me, constantly telling me I was attacking wrong, and always leaving me feeling frustrated from a negative vibe that I thought was coming from me. There were some days after a class where I practiced with her I just wanted to go home and never come back because I felt incredibly stupid about the most basic things (and it was very hard to get my confidence back after practicing with her).
I just didn't react well with her as a practice partner, and I felt that was an issue I needed to resolve, so I kept at it, kept an open mind when practicing with her, allowed her to instruct me (even though sometimes what she was instructing me in was not what the class teacher was teaching, and other times, what she was teaching me just felt wrong, at least, it was wrong for me).
She was my sem pai, of course, and I learned early about respecting sem pai.
I've been told that proper etiquette is that the junior person NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER says anything to a sem pai about their practice - even if they feel uncomfortable or unsafe while practicing with that person.
However, among some of my classmates, I've earned enough respect from them that I've begun asking, very politely, if I might make an observation - and it's usually something to do with making sure I'm safe working with them, or asking what I have to do to modify my actions so that their response falls within my abilities to receive the technique.
This woman does not respect my different abilities. She uses physical strength to drive me into the mat, because when she is unable to unbalance me using aikido, she gets pissed, and says it's because my attack is wrong (she's been telling me my attack is wrong from day one), and I shouldn't do what I'm doing because then her response is to drive me into the mat.
(Just as an aside, here: I have very strong ki, and unbalancing me isn't easy.)
I was practicing with this woman today, and I wasn't as frustrated as I usually was, but I was getting tired of being yanked around (she was doing a lot of pulling and at one point I realised I was in serious trouble if I didn't go along with her).
So, I very politely said, "May I make an observation."
She said, "No!" and followed that up with "Don't teach!"
I bit back what I wanted to say, which was "same to you, honey", and instead said, "All I wanted to tell you was what was happening to me during this practice."
At this point, another student - actually, a 3rd dan who was visiting from another dojo who comes out to Sunday advanced classes - popped up and said he wanted to practice with me.
He started with my attack, how to do it within my ukemi capabilities, how to move my body as nage uses my energy, and how to do a very nice fall. Then when it was my turn to be nage, he took me through my body position, when to move, how to move, and the principles behind the movement. He understood what I needed to learn and the best way for me to learn it. At one point, the class instructor was watching me do the technique, and he wandered away without saying anything because I was doing it correctly.
I learned more in that five minutes with the 3rd dan then I did for the previous fifteen minutes with the woman.
This same woman, by the way, is also the one that blocked me when I volunteered to teach a kids' class when the regular instructor was looking for someone to take the class. Since I've been an assistant in the kids' class for over two years, I felt the time was right to take the risk.
So, now comes the test of character. Do I continue to practice with this woman? I observed that while I got annoyed by her behaviour, I didn't knock myself down as being stupid, incompetent, why am I here, etc. I have confidence in my understanding of aikido, but I still get testy when someone tries to use their superior physical strength to 'correct' me.
She doesn't respect me, and there is nothing I can do to earn her respect.
It is also interesting to note that when I started, this woman was 3rd kyu; but now, the gap has closed between us, and she is at first kyu, while I'm coming up to second.
I've been told (by sticklers on etiquette, not all associated with our dojo, either) that I mustn't ever ask my practice partner, senior or otherwise, to respect my physical issues (I'll sometimes ask just to be stretched, like in irimi or kokyo ho - I can gauge how safe I'll be with a practice partner by how they stretch me). But the san dan I was practicing with today told me that I can request to practice with a different partner if I feel I'm not getting anything out of the practice, regardless of their seniority.
So, what do I do?
I want to continue with my aikido journey, but I'm finding the road a little rocky right now. It's possible that my growing confidence and increased understanding of aikido and how it works is making me a bit uppity, and I'm putting myself in the position of being squashed like a bug by a senior student, and deservedly so, so it would seem. I want to go into the teaching stream when the new testing requirements get adopted, but it will be impossible to teach a class with this person in it, not to mention she's already blocked me from teaching the kids' class.
Any advice on how best to handle this situation within the etiquette of aikido would be helpful.
) and felt like a complete beginner at the start, but by the end of the class, I was starting to find my feet (or my centre I guess).
