Did the unthinkable (my Aikido journey)

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
You know that thing about when expecting the worst to happen, it usually does....

Last night I threw the instructor into another student.

Quite appropriately he yelled at me.

Quite inappropriately, I burst into tears and offered to quit to avoid any more stupid mistakes.

It was an accident caused by my carelessness, and they have every right to expel me from the class, in order to avoid anything like that happening again. No one was injured, but that's not the point. The point was, I was careless, I wasn't thinking about what I was doing, and the accident happened because of me. (Why do you think I haven't taken up weapons, yet? Just for this reason.)

It's about an hour until I leave for tonight's class, and right now I am shaking so hard I can hardly type, let alone breathe. I don't know if I'll be allowed back into class; I don't know that even if I'm allowed to continue, if I can even work on techniques, my confidence is so badly shaken right now. I feel like I'm shutting down, physically, spiritually, intellectually and emotionally.

I have never been so scared in my life. I love aikido; it would kill me to have to give it up.

In the back of my mind, I have always had this little voice telling me, "every time you enjoy something, every time you do well at something, just remember this: you'll do something to screw it up because you don't deserve to be successful at anything".

I'd been ignoring that voice, and I guess that voice decided it had had enough of being ignored, and did something about it.

I am so ****ING stupid, I can't believe it sometimes.

-TD, terrified and lost
 

ad_adrian

Twitter: adadrian
if they kick you out for that then the dojo is not doing u right,
its a careless mistake
its not as if the dojo's wre back in the 30's where u did one mistake and u were dead and went through hell..like the hell dojo,
im quite sure u will be ok
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
Well, I went to class tonight. The Tuesday night instructor was standing at the door, and I was convinced he was there to tell me not to come in. I think he knew about last night's fiasco, but I didn't say anything to him, and he didn't say anything to me.

I got as far as the mat, and stopped cold. I was shaking so hard, I couldn't go any farther.

I got myself a glass of water and sat down on the couch. As the other students trickled in, a couple who were there last night asked if I was all right, and I said I was, but in truth, I was shaking so hard I could hardly speak. Finally, the guy who was my uke when the accident happened came in and he sat down beside me and we talked quietly for a few minutes. I needed to hear from someone else's perspective about what happened, and he was aware that I'd been careless, but he also pointed out that the sensei had no right to yell at me in front of the whole class, either.

I'd hadn't thought of it that way. I was still in the wrong for what I did, but the student was right, too; a sensei has to be the calm centre of the class. I was worried that I was going to be ejected, but a couple of the senior students, when I asked them about this, said not to worry, I wouldn't be.

Afterwards, I talked with a couple of other senior students, female, and got a perspective from them, as well, though they hadn't seen the incident. One suggested I should talk to our head instructor (also a woman), but at this point, I'd rather just put the whole thing behind me.

I'm still not sure if I'm going to go to Thursday's class, because he usually comes to train in the first class, and teaches the second.

We'll see if the shakes come back.

I was just worried sick I'd injured him and the other student I threw him into.

I was very quiet this evening, which is what usually happens when I get freaked out.
 

Aikilove

Old member aikidoka
Yes one has to be careful not to hurt anyone. Yes you might have missed to be aware of your surroundings. But... it happens! To all sooner or later, that you put someones head or foot together with someone elses head or foot. Most of the time nothing happens (nothing serious anyway). You need to calm down about it. Simply because if you keep being upset about it, you will not have the focus to do what you're suppose to do on the mat. Focus on doing your outmost and to train safe, not about what you did last week or what you might do next week! On the mat you always have to be in the present time. Then and there!

Take care TD.

/J
 

shihonage

New Member
TDWoj, its not just your responsibility to protect your uke, but your uke should also protect themselves.
I don't see how the instructor could allow a less skilled student to throw them where they didn't want to be thrown, so I'd say it was a lapse in the instructor's judgement. They weren't aware of the moment, in the NOW.

Anyway, I've done some worse things in class, like wrestling with some students, and I remember being afraid that I'd get expelled but later on I realized that it wasn't THAT extraordinary of a violation and that I tend to overdramatize things.
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
Well, tonight was the night, guys. And...

...I passed!

I am officially (unofficially actually) ranked a 6th kyu! (Unofficially because 6th kyu is just a beginner's rank, it's not recognized by Hombu dojo or the Canadian Aikido Federation, so I don't get a certificate).

But I have a rank! And I also get my name carved on a piece of wood (good luck - my last name has 12 letters in it, and those pieces of wood aren't very big....) which then gets hung up on the wall.

I have to say in some respects I had an advantage over the others who were testing (there were 3 others) because they only had the minimum required hours of 40, while I had 120 hours. Mind you, my ukemi... oh, my. Still, apparently, it was the best I'd ever done the ukemi, so I guess sheer terror and just doing it (rather than thinking about it) got me through.

I remembered - or at least I think I remembered - to keep centred. The one thing I had a problem with was, because we were four of us testing, we were paired with each other for nage/uke. So my uke was inexperienced, and during the ikkyo technique simply had no idea how to fall correctly, so that made my ikkyo technique look clumsy and awkward. I knew how to fall correctly, so at least I made him look good.

I ended up having to improvise on the irimi nage because otherwise I would have had to throw him into the wall, and I didn't think that was good form. So I gave him an extra spin around. I didn't do the irimi as well as I did in practice, but again, I think it was because I was with an inexperienced uke, so that made the performance of the technique harder.

I did get a lot of comments afterward, though, from people saying they thought my technique was very solid, very centred.

Now, if I could just do a forward roll out of a throw...

Ah, well. Now I have to start working on 5th kyu. And I promised the lads I was going to start weapons right after my test, so I guess tomorrow night will be my first weapons class.

Everybody better duck... this could get messy!

-TD, 6th kyu

P.S. My friend filmed my test so once he figures out how to get it out of his digital camera (long story - he was in the UK when his digital camera busted, so he had to buy one there, which only recorded in PAL, and there are some complications apparently downloading from the camera over on this side of the pond), I might set up a temporary site so people if they want can watch (no guarantees - I haven't seen it yet, and if my wide butt figures too prominently, it's going into the vault, under lock and key, never to be seen by human eyes)
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
Thanks, guys!

Oh, my... I just realised that it's entirely possible I'll be taking my 5th kyu test in December.

Well, I have plenty of time to worry about it - may as well start today!

-TD, already in a tizzy
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
Thanks, adrian, and yes, it is! I'm looking forward to my next test, but with the kind of work I've been getting lately, it looks like I'll be missing too many classes to qualify for taking my 5th kyu in December. :(

In other news, I will be attending a seminar held by Yamada Sensei this weekend. "Attending" is rather loose; I'll be there, I just don't know if I'll be participating in the class, since I don't have the money to cover the seminar fee. He is giving a free seminar somewhere in Toronto on Friday, though, so I'm going to try and make that.

Yamada Sensei, for those of you who don't know, is head of the North American Aikido Federation based in New York.

A couple of fellows from my dojo are testing for nidan, and for sure I don't want to miss that!
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
Well, I managed to make it to two days of Yamada Sensei's seminar.

Friday night was a free class at another dojo in the west end of the city, so there I went. The mat was crowded! I was working on a nikkyo technique when all of a sudden this pair of hands appeared from nowhere, grabbed my wrists from behind, and then this voice said, "Relax! Relax! I will place your hands!"

It was, of course, Yamada Sensei. He'd sneaked up behind me while I was fumbling through the technique and frankly, scared the bejeezus out of me.

Did I relax? Of course not! :D

It didn't occur to me much later that Yamada was O Sensei's student, so in a sense, I was touched by the founder. Way cool!

Saturday, I only went to watch, in the afternoon, so that I wouldn't miss the tests. The two testing from our dojo both passed their nidan (yay!) although one of them had "notes" from Yamada.

A person at my dojo had bought a membership for the Sunday session, but wasn't able to go, so she offered it around and I accepted, thus I was able to go to the Sunday class.

Backtracking to Friday's class a moment, we did one technique which required a forward roll out of a throw (my favourite - not), and the black belt who was working with us beginners corrected a few things I hadn't been aware of before as to what my problem was with forward ukemi. When I went to my regular class on Saturday, I tried it out, and lo! suddenly I was doing a forward roll! (Well, just on the left side - the right side still needs a lot of work.)

So on Sunday, we were again doing techniques requiring a forward roll, so I did a few and one of the members from my dojo observed I was doing much better.

There's hope for me yet! I still can't do it one-handed, so I've set that for my next goal. Oh, and getting the forward ukemi on the right side in better shape too.

Oh, and on Sunday, Yamada Sensei did it again - sneaked up behind me!

One of the other students mentioned during break that this was one of the things that they liked about Yamada Sensei - he pays as much attention to the white belts as he does to the black belts.

I also had some comments from the people I worked with - one, that I was sometimes too forceful! So I had to pull back a bit, use less strength. The other was that I was very strong in my hara, very solid. And yet another person said something about WHEN I start teaching my own classes...

Wow. Who would have thought it? 10 months ago, I couldn't even bend down to pick something up off the floor. And if I did get down on the floor, on my knees, I couldn't get up again. Wow.

I stayed for the afternoon session for the sensei who teaches the advanced class on Sundays at my dojo. That was a very brave thing for me to do... the way he does his techniques, so casual, so full of ki, so terrifying... he's 82 years old, and just back from a quadruple bypass operation, and he's tossing men half his age and a good deal heavier than he around like they were pillows.

He showed us one technique that frankly terrified me. It started off with a simple tenkan step; then one used a kokyo move to get out of uke's grip, took uke's arm, and with your arm now free, wrapped it backwards around uke's neck, so that you were standing with your hand on your hip, and uke's head tucked into the crook of your arm like it was a basketball. The idea being, that one good twist and uke's neck would end up snapped like a twig... which, of course, we didn't do, just let uke drop to the mat. Yikes! (I think I saw Steven employ that move in one of his films - Marked for Death, maybe it was. Yikes.)

Anyway, it was a great weekend for aikido, and I'm very glad I had the opportunity to go.

Must get more work, somehow....
 

tenshinaikidoka

Martial Art Student
That is awsome TD, Yamada Shihan is a very awsome instructor indeed. I myself, was very fortunate to be able to attend a seminar this weekend as well, that of Hiroshi Isoyama Shihan in Washington State. He too was a disciple of O'Sensei (started at age 12) and as some might know, was an instructor to Seagal Shihan as well.

I would suggest anyone that has the ability to, should definately attend a seminar given by Isoyama Shihan and Yamada Shihan. Both are awsome technicians.

Keep up the good work TD, just think, you will soon be looking back at your begining and thinking "Was I really like that? Did I really do that?" Progress takes time and you have appeared to progressed exceptionally!!!!
 

shihonage

New Member
A 6-month competitive Judo practitioner can wipe the floor with most Aikido shodans. The competitive methods of arts like Judo provide a learning curve that is 10-20 times shorter than Aikido. Judo techniques can be easily modified to be just as "deadly" as Aikido. The difference is, most Aikido practitioners short of "great master" would be unable to execute their "deadly technique" on a competitive Judoka in the first place.

Aikido is my only and main art at this point, because I think it is suited better than Judo to defense against sincere attacks, especially ones involving knives. Aikido footwork brings you away from the knife, and Judo footwork plunges you right into it. I also continue to choose Aikido because of the low (compared to Judo) amount of beating that your body receives in one training session.

We all choose our compromises. But lets not illusion ourselves. Aikido is not SUPERIOR to another art. It is not original in its ideas of peace, evasion and redirection, either. The principles of Aikido movement can be seen in a high-level master of any art, from Judo to boxing, like Mohammed Ali. Aikido is just something that we prefer to practice because we like it.
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
tenshinaikidoka said:
That is awsome TD, Yamada Shihan is a very awsome instructor indeed. I myself, was very fortunate to be able to attend a seminar this weekend as well, that of Hiroshi Isoyama Shihan in Washington State. He too was a disciple of O'Sensei (started at age 12) and as some might know, was an instructor to Seagal Shihan as well.

I would suggest anyone that has the ability to, should definately attend a seminar given by Isoyama Shihan and Yamada Shihan. Both are awsome technicians.

Keep up the good work TD, just think, you will soon be looking back at your begining and thinking "Was I really like that? Did I really do that?" Progress takes time and you have appeared to progressed exceptionally!!!!

And then I go to class today and can't do a roll to save my life! Though I think that was more down to the fact that the mat was very crowded, we were working in pairs instead of lines and the pair working next to me and my partner were throwing each other at an angle instead of forward, so there was a lot of stops and hesitations and my terror of smashing into someone (or throwing someone into someone) reasserted itself.

Also, the fact that I have a whacking huge bruise on my arm might also have something to do with it.

Mind you, somehow or other I did manage to do my yoko kaitan - my first one! (well, two, since I tried on both sides). I can do ushiro yoko kaitan pretty handily. The next step will be to do ushiro my yoko kaitan.

I also see breakfalls looming in my future as well... (shudder).

Isoyama Shihan... how is he with white belts, especially with elderly women like me who, in a mad moment, thought to take up aikido?

Yamada had a wicked sense of humour and also really knew how to put his point across in the fewest possible moves (and words).
 

Aikilove

Old member aikidoka
TD, since you are becoming more familiar with the japanese terms I would just like to correct one of them. "My" is realy Mae = forward. So what then is ushiro mae yoko kaiten? (backwards forwards sidewards circular/turning!?!?)

/J
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
Aikilove said:
TD, since you are becoming more familiar with the japanese terms I would just like to correct one of them. "My" is realy Mae = forward. So what then is ushiro mae yoko kaiten? (backwards forwards sidewards circular/turning!?!?)

/J

Yes. :D And thanks for correcting my phonetic spelling.

It's a weird fall, I think it was developed by Donovan Waite Sensei. You start off backwards, then you pivot onto one foot so that you're facing forward, then you roll, but not a regular forward roll, but sideways across both shoulders, arms extended, so that you end up in a sitting position with the soles of your feet together facing away from nage; then you swing your leg around so that you're back facing nage in a kneeling, han mi position.

You use this fall when you end up with your inside leg (leg closest to nage) is trapped behind nage so you can't do a backward roll by stepping back with the inside leg.
 

tenshinaikidoka

Martial Art Student
TD,

Isoyama Shihan, from my experience with him, is a very good teacher and expecially with the basics and begginers. He was very active in getting the basics through to everyone and was hands on. Very precise, very humurous!!! He was very pleasant to be around. I was in awe!!!!!
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
tenshinaikidoka said:
TD,

Isoyama Shihan, from my experience with him, is a very good teacher and expecially with the basics and begginers. He was very active in getting the basics through to everyone and was hands on. Very precise, very humurous!!! He was very pleasant to be around. I was in awe!!!!!

I'm sure if he has a seminar here, it will be well out of my price range, so it's unlikely I'd be able to get any benefit from it, unless it's an open seminar where I can come and watch. :(

I am hoping to go to a seminar in Ottawa with Mary Heiny Sensei next year. She studied under O Sensei, and I believe is the highest ranking woman in aikido (a 6th dan.).

It's pretty clear that Steven no longer does seminars himself (if he had, Suzi would have found pictures, and there hasn't been any since Bulgaria), so there's no chance whatsoever I'll ever be able to see him teach, either. :( :( :(
 

tenshinaikidoka

Martial Art Student
Well, that is true, Seagal does not do seminars anymore, and well, if he does, they are so hush hush that obviously no one knows about them. I am not sure if Isoyama has done seminars or not in Canada.

Wierd that he has not been invited to Canada, he is one of the most respected Shihans in the Aikikai, and beyond for that matter. He has never touted himself as Seagals teacher, although we all know.

Yes, Mary Heiney Sensei is a very good Aikidoka. I would recomend you see her if your able to.

One thing that some on this board might be interested in is the following link. It talks about Seagals "TenShin Aikido Methodology" and some other interesting facts. http://www.aikidoyoshindojo.com/pages/20/index.htm It is of particular interest to those who study aikido or who have thought that TenShin Aikido is a "style".
 

Aikilove

Old member aikidoka
TD- right now the highest ranking women in aikikai has 6th dan, but that will change soon I believe. They are not 6th dan because they are not alowed up to 7th. It's just no woman yet that has reached this grade... No formal rule at all.
I believe women like Mary Heiny, Patricia Hendrics, Motsuko Minegishi, Miyako Fujitani (all 6th dan at present) etc, will all reach at least 7th dan if they keep doing aikido.

Re: Ukemi. After a while you stop think about "He does this technique - I have to do this ukemi" you just follow.

/J
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
Aikilove said:
TD- right now the highest ranking women in aikikai has 6th dan, but that will change soon I believe. They are not 6th dan because they are not alowed up to 7th. It's just no woman yet that has reached this grade... No formal rule at all.
I believe women like Mary Heiny, Patricia Hendrics, Motsuko Minegishi, Miyako Fujitani (all 6th dan at present) etc, will all reach at least 7th dan if they keep doing aikido.

Re: Ukemi. After a while you stop think about "He does this technique - I have to do this ukemi" you just follow.

/J

Re: Ukemi - it's a bit of a conundrum, really. You can't follow (react) with the right ukemi until you've practiced ukemi enough so that your body will react. Right now I'm still at the "thinking about it" stage, because I'm still afraid. It's not natural, yet, for me, to do ukemi, and it'll be a while before it is (although I did really well at the seminar, back in class, I'm hesitating again).

Someone told me a story that one day, in O Sensei's dojo, they were practicing - the women at one end, the men at the other. The men were doing their own thing, being the Japanese equivalent of "macho", but the women were practicing aikido techniques. Suddenly, O Sensei burst into the room - he'd been watching them for a while, it seems - and started shouting and waving his arms about - "You men - watch the women! They're doing aikido! Not you! What are you doing! Practice with the women! They know what they are doing!" and then he stormed out.

Sheepishly, the men joined the women's group and did aikido techniques for about an hour. Then they drifted off and left the women to themselves again.
 
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