Laughter is the best medicine!

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Amos Stevens

New Member
This was sent to me:

Instructions on how to clean your toilet:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that
come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and
rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there
are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and
run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog
 

Hallarian

New Member
Amos if you ever see the cat again which I doubt,

Amos Stevens said:
This was sent to me:

Instructions on how to clean your toilet:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that
come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and
rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there
are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and
run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog


You will never get him near your bathroom again. I adise caution picking him up after he's dry. YOU WILL GET SCRATHED AND BITTEN, I GUARENTEE IT. hOWEVER i DO BELIEVE YOU WILL DESERV EVERY SCRATCH, YOU MEANIE!
 

Amos Stevens

New Member
How to clean your house during the holidays

(this was sent to me)


1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework
permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

7. Feel better?
 

tora

Funmaker
Difference between Boys & Girls - How each of them withdraws cash at
the
ATM

Boys:
1. Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
2. Insert card
3. Dial code and desired amount
4. Take the cash, the card and the slip

Girls:
1. Drive to the bank
2. Engine stalled
3. Check make-up in the mirror
4. Apply perfume
5. Manually check haircut
6. Park the car - failure
7. Park the car - failure
8. Park the car - Success
9. Search for the card in the handbag
10. Insert card, rejected by the machine
11. Throw phonecard back in handbag,
12. Look for bank card
13. Insert Card
14. Look for make up kit (where secret code written) in Handbag
15. Enter code
16. Study instructions for 2 minutes
17. #Cancel#
18. Re-enter code
19. #Cancel#
20. Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct code
21. Enter desired amount
22. #Error#
23. Enter bigger amount
24. #Error#
25. Enter maximum amount
26. Cross fingers
27. Take cash
28. Go back to the car
29. Check make up in rear mirror
30. Look for keys in handbag
31. Start car
32. Drive 50 meters
33. STOP
34. Drive back to bank machine
35. Go out of the car
36. Take card and ticket back from machine
37. Go back to the car
38. Throw card on passenger seat
39. Throw slip on the floor
40. Check make up in rear mirror
41. Manually check haircut
42. Go into roundabout - wrong way
43. BRAKE!!
44. Go into roundabout - right way
45. Drive 5 kilometers
46. Remove hand brake!!!!
 

tora

Funmaker
There was a good old barber in Miami in US.



One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the
cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:
'I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am
doing a Community Service'. Florist is happy and
leaves the
shop.



The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, there is a Thank You Card and a dozen roses
waiting at his door.





A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to
pay the barber he again refuses to take the money. The
Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.



The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Cakes
waiting at his door.





A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also
goes to pay the barber again refuses ! the money
saying that it was a community service.



The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, guess what he finds there......



A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free
haircut... with printouts of forwarded mail mentioning
about free haircut.
 

Amos Stevens

New Member
Frying eggs

(this was sent to me)


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her
> husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the
> kitchen.
> "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
> You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn
> them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. WHERE are
> we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
> Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER
> listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
> Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always
> forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE
> SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the heck is
> wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a
> couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I
> wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm
> driving!!"
>
 

Patriciaqsagie

Patricia
True telephone conversations recorded from various Help Desks around the U.K

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have ?
Customer: A white one...
====
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button ?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry .
====
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left ?
====
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you ?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me ! I'm not Bill Gates damn it !
====
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
====
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer ?
Customer: No.
====
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am ?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
====
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly ?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening.
====
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer ?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you ?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard ?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work !
====
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
====
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password ?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was ?
Customer: Five stars.
====
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use ?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
====
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears !
====
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you ?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me ?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem ?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me ?
====
Helpdesk: How may I help you ?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem ?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it ?



Have fun while reading.
Blesssed Advent time to all of you
Patricia
 

Jules

Potters Clay
lol, lol oh my...loved them all. :) Amos...boy that one you posted sure sounded familiar...looks like an email I had gotten;) :)
 

Serena

Administrator
tora said:
There are always things to say at a safe distance :D
Some funny jokes you had, Tora! :) And the one about the men and women at the ATM's made me laugh out loud. I swear I get behind women like that. :D And I'm glad I clicked on this attachment with the couple on the cliffs. ;) Who knew it was animated!? :D

Some good ones you had also, Amos. I especially liked the one about the couple and the eggs. :D

And there were some funny help desk recordings, Patricia. Some of those sounded familiar--but not by me! :eek: :D I'm going to print those out and send them to our IS (computer department) at the hospital. Bet they've heard a few of those themselves. :D

Good stuff, everyone. More, please. ;) :D
 
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