Laughter is the best medicine!

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ORANGATUANG

Wildfire
Ok..This woman is walking an beach and comes across this guy with no legs sitting on an towel she said to him"have you ever been hugged?" he replied "no"..so she gave him an hug..
Time went by another woman came up to him and said " have you ever been kissed?" and he replied "no"...

This guy was thinking he was an good wicket when another woman walked up to him and said "have you ever been f*****?" and of course he said "no" she said "well you will be when the tide comes in".....
 

Lollipop

Banned
I am going to shop
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
 

Serena

Administrator
ORANGATUANG said:
Ok..This woman is walking an beach and comes across this guy with no legs sitting on an towel she said to him"have you ever been hugged?" he replied "no"..so she gave him an hug..
Time went by another woman came up to him and said " have you ever been kissed?" and he replied "no"...

This guy was thinking he was an good wicket when another woman walked up to him and said "have you ever been f*****?" and of course he said "no" she said "well you will be when the tide comes in".....
:D LOLOL :D I laughed out loud at this one, Heather! :D Good one!
 

Serena

Administrator
Lollipop said:
Mirror, mirror

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to
enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has
happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on
the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright
flash and both his legs fall off.
Okay, this one made me laugh out loud, too. :D :D
 

Serena

Administrator
Lollipop said:
I am going to shop
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
Oh, Lollipop, admit it--you were really the shopper here, weren't you? ;) :D
 

Lollipop

Banned
Serena said:
Oh, Lollipop, admit it--you were really the shopper here, weren't you? ;) :D


There are to many fact relayer's around here! I took the remote!
Yes, I am evil! I take that as a compliment!
 

ORANGATUANG

Wildfire
Thats ok Serena..laughter is good medicine for the mind, body and soul..but if you have an weak bladder hang on tight because your in for some doozies...
 

Lollipop

Banned
How Dogs Are Better Than Men

*Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
*Dogs miss you when you're gone.
*You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
*Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
*Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
*Dogs don't criticize your friends.
*Dogs admit when they're jealous.
*Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
*Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
*Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
*Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
*No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
*You can train a dog.
*Dogs are easy to buy for.
*Dogs are good with kids.
*Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
*You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
*Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
*The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK - The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
*Dogs understand what NO means.
*Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
*Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
*Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
*Dogs do not read at the table.
*Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
*You can house train a dog.
*You can force a dog to take a bath.
*Dogs don't correct your stories.
*Middle aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
*Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
*Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
*Dogs admit it when they're lost.
*Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
*Dogs look at your eyes.
*Dogs like your size.
*Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
*Dogs take care of their own needs.
*Dogs are color blind.
*Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
*Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
*Dogs are nice to your relatives.
*Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
 

Lollipop

Banned
NEW BRIDE

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She did, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you
forget it! I'm the one who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right! And that's the way it's gonna be until your stinking attitude changes!"
 

Patriciaqsagie

Patricia
Guinness Book of World Records




Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official. I am the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,

"Who ' s Camilla Parker Bowles?"
 

Patriciaqsagie

Patricia
Charles and the Genie



>
>Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he
>accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
>He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally
>distraught.
>
>The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
>
>Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,
>polished it and immediately a genie appeared.
>
>'You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,' said the
>genie. 'As a reward I shall grant you one wish.'
>
>
>
>'Well,' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need, but
>let me show you this dog.'
>They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. 'Do you think you
>could bring this dog back to life for me?' the Prince asked.
>The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.
>'This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is
>there something else you would like?'
>The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out
>two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,'
>said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. 'But now I love
>this woman called Camilla,' and he showed the genie the second photo.
>'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make
>Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'
>The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
>'Let's have a look at that dog again
 

Hallarian

New Member
Cody fits all but one!

Lollipop said:
How Dogs Are Better Than Men

*Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
*Dogs miss you when you're gone.
*You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
*Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
*Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
*Dogs don't criticize your friends.
*Dogs admit when they're jealous.
*Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
*Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
*Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
*Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
*No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
*You can train a dog.
*Dogs are easy to buy for.
*Dogs are good with kids.
*Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
*You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
*Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
*The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK - The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
*Dogs understand what NO means.
*Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
*Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
*Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
*Dogs do not read at the table.
*Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
*You can house train a dog.
*You can force a dog to take a bath.
*Dogs don't correct your stories.
*Middle aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
*Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
*Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
*Dogs admit it when they're lost.
*Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
*Dogs look at your eyes.
*Dogs like your size.
*Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
*Dogs take care of their own needs.
*Dogs are color blind.
*Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
*Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
*Dogs are nice to your relatives.
*Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.


Cody is 154 lbs. When he wants a bath, NO problem. When he doesn't it would take a platoon of special forces to bathe hime and my friends in special forces agree not to try to make Cody do something he doesn't want to. But he would walk through fire to protect me so I've no complaints. He's more loyal than most humans (except one very brave little Tibetan boy who is my special friend. PS Tenzin keeps asking me to bring Cody next visit to the Himalayas.
 

Lollipop

Banned
You have an Internet addiction when . . .
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Mommy's; got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your husband makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed.
 

Amos Stevens

New Member
Kids are Quick

Kids are quick ...
>
>
> TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North
> America.
>
> MARIA: Here it is.
>
> TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
>
> CLASS: Maria.
>
> __________________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
>
> FRANK: Because of the sign.
>
> TEACHER: What sign?
>
> FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
>
> _________________________________
>
> TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math
> multiplication on the floor?
>
> JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
>
> __________________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
>
> GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
>
> TEACHER: No, that's wrong
>
> GLENN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I
> spell
> it.
>
> _______________________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for
> water?
>
> DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
>
> TEACHER: What are you talking about?
>
> DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
>
> __________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have
> today that we didn't have ten years ago.
>
> WINNIE: Me!
>
> __________________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
>
> GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you
> are.
>
> _______________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with
> "I."
>
> MILLIE: I is...
>
> TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
>
> MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
> alphabet."
>
>
> _________________________________
>
> TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his
> father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now,
> Louie, do
>
> you know why his father didn't punish him?
>
> LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
>
> ______________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say
> prayers before eating?
>
> SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good
> cook.
>
> ______________________________
>
> TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is
> exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy
> his?
>
> CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
>
> ___________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps
> on talking when people are no longer interested?
>
> HAROLD: A teacher
 

Patriciaqsagie

Patricia
Marriage is tough sometimes...

Marriage - ( Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules.
Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me - Just understand that
there will be sex here at seven o'clock every nig ht, whether you're
here or not!."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************



Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

******************************



Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either,"
and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in
bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

******************************************


Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of
six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His
wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*************************************



Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and hi s wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting
to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of
paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*********************************************************
 
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