Did the unthinkable (my Aikido journey)

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
Brief update.

Quit a job that was causing me severe back pain. I don't know how long it will take before my back is back to normal but at the moment taking ukemi is out of the question. I'm trying to return to my regular schedule for practice but between the back pain and the horrendously hot and humid weather (we don't have air conditioning at the dojo) I haven't been making it to class this summer as often as I would have liked.

I hope that now the weather is getting a little less intense I can go to more classes and hopefully my back will improve. I hate not being able to take any ukemi at all.

I realized recently that I not only practice aikido, I study it. Why does it work, how does it work, what do I have to do to make it work. I have a hard time learning a technique when the instructor says 'do it this way' without any context other than 'if you do it this way it will work'. Another shortcoming of mine in a long list of shortcomings that is preventing me from moving forward (in more ways than one, most notably, teaching).
 

Irishgirl

Active Member
One of the things that has help me along in life is to just accept some things by "Faith". If I believe in something strong enough and trust who is providing the information, I make the extra effort not to fight it, or try to exstrapulate it out into a long mental process. Faith can also mean to have a confidence or trust in oneself and one's practice. Sorry to hear about your back, but at least try to stay true to your journey, and do what your body will allow at the moment.
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
Thanks, ladies! All good thoughts and healing energies accepted gratefully.

Went to practice yesterday, felt really relaxed, did some ukemi, had a great time, got up this morning and....

Oi.

Stiff, mostly, with a side order of spasms, but they didn't last long and the pain was mostly gone by this evening.

I am hoping my back will be in good enough shape to go to the OAF seminar which this year has been moved up to the last weekend in September (usually it's the last weekend in October). The CAF's new technical director that was appointed by the one who just passed away will be coming, I think for the first time. I have heard very good things about him and have checked him out on You Tube (what a fabulous resource it is for aikido!). I am hoping I can participate fully, but, failing that, I will certainly attend just to observe. We have quite a few people testing from my dojo (several for 1st kyu, one each for shodan and nidan, although I had heard that there might be one or two more for shodan). It's a relief not to be testing this year, but I have my fingers crossed that I will be able to test next year. I'm not sure how much longer this body will hold out!
 

BarbaraAnn101

Well-Known Member
Oh no...spasms!! Those are the worst.....Glad they let you be for the most part as the day went on....I'm the opposite...AFTER my day of trying to do stuff, that night I'm all like Ow, Quit it...Ow, Quit it...Ow, Quit it...Ow, Quit it...
 

Kotegashi

Master Of Disaster
Staff member
Just an update to let folks know, I am taking my shodan test October 13th. All positive energy gratefully accepted!

Good luck with your test.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, but I'm convinced you can do it even without our help or positive energy.

Peace
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
A brief update:

Shodan test may not happen.

I was in class and I fell as a result of my partner's action - right down on my tailbone. You may recall my doctor 7 years ago (has it been that long?) said he would allow me to practice only if I never fell straight down on my tailbone.

The person I was practicing with was the big guy who has injured me before. I was nage, doing kotegaeshi. After the initial strike, he stopped attacking and went right into defending; instead of staying on his feet, he threw himself face down onto the floor, striking my leg and trapping my foot under him. When I tried to get my foot out of the way to get into han-mi for stability, he rolled over, trapping both my feet under him. I lost my balance, resulting in the fall.

I should point out that it wasn't just with me that he was doing this: he did this with everyone who was on the mat that day, but because they were all men and stronger and faster than I am, they were able to get the trapped foot out of the way faster.

Since then I've been experiencing a series of symptoms that are becoming progressively worse. Yesterday, I was having spasms in my right leg resulting in the sensation of my leg giving out from under me every time I took a step. This morning, my arms were so weak I couldn't even control the mouse when I sat down at my computer to begin work for the day (it's better now). I'm feeling occasional tingling from my neck down, and the dislocated L4 vertebra in my back seems to have bumped out a bit more, making it painful for me even to do a half back roll during the warm ups. I haven't taken ukemi since the fall, a week ago Sunday.

I went to the doctor yesterday to have an X-ray done. The technician was confident I hadn't broken anything because I was able to lie down on the X-ray table without pain. That might be the only good news.

I am scared silly that this will finish me. I knew I only had a few years left to practice, and for 7 years I've been very careful never to fall down on my tailbone. 3 seconds with this guy as my partner and all that has changed my future in aikido.

The worst part of this whole thing is that this guy refuses to accept his ukemi was what caused me to fall. No one else in the dojo takes ukemi for kotegaeshi like that, not even the new students. He has never taken care to learn 'safety first' either as uke or nage because he refuses to accept instruction; he decided, somewhere along the way, belly-flopping face down on the mat is what the instructor meant when he said 'go with the flow', even though it was pretty clear that this is NOT what the instructor meant.

I've also been on the receiving end of verbal abuse from this guy, the latest taste of which occurred this past Sunday. There has been only one time where there were witnesses to the verbal abuse, which took place a few months ago in front of a group of students who were practicing for their upcoming tests, and they have declined to step forward to speak to my sensei about the tirade he launched at me that day, in front of them, in front of the sensei teaching the class (who, unfortunately, did not have his hearing aid in place and therefore did not hear a lot of what this guy was yelling at me).

He also likes reminding me on a fairly frequent basis I have no business being on the mat, I should quit, I should have quit years ago, he's been giving me (!) all these chances to 'own up to my shit' and he's done being nice to me.

I take a bad fall as a result of actions only he had control over, and he's the victim. I'm still trying to figure that one out.

He's taken to a subversive campaign to psych me out - whenever I wander within earshot of him and he's having a conversation with someone, he'll say things like "I have so much respect for people who know when it's time to quit", or "Aikido is so much more fun when people leave their egos at home" (he accuses me of being egotistical on the mat during his tirades at me, so that's how I know that comment is directed at me).

I don't know what to do. Except for the one time when his verbal abuse of me was done in front of others, the tirades usually happen when there's no one else around, so it's pretty much a 'he said she said' situation. Aside from my very real fear about the long term consequences of this injury (both my physical well being and my continued practice), I have reached a point where I can no longer tolerate being on the receiving end of his tirades and snide asides.

I have spoken to my sensei, but, as I said, it's a 'he said she said' situation and there is nothing that can be done until and unless someone else experiences the same thing, or witnesses come forward.

Right now, I'm just taking my practice one day at a time. I'll avoid taking ukemi until the seminar where I'll be testing and once I'm at the seminar, I'll see where I'm at, both physically and mentally. On the one hand, I don't want to quit because it'll give this guy the satisfaction of knowing he won, that he got his way; on the other hand, I don't want to endanger my physical well being by being stubborn about continuing when the injury could be final and permanent.
 

Irishgirl

Active Member
Oh Suzi! I am so sorry to hear that you are being bullied, I was bullied as a child and it's not fun. If someone doesn't put him in his place, he'll move onto someone else.

It's a shame that the Sensei is not coming to your defense by having a class disussion on the cost and effects of bullying. Recent a teenage killed himself and several other people due the same thing.

He must think he's a "big" man. I think he's insecure, and immature.

Hang in there. Love ya!
 

Kotegashi

Master Of Disaster
Staff member
Wow, that's a horrible story. I cannot imagine how your feeling after such an experience.

What an a** that guy is, he definitely hasn't understood the basic principles of aikido training nor has he any moral.

The first thing my sensei taught me was that i am responsible for my uke and preventing injury of my uke.

I hope it's just a temporary set back and you will recouperate soon and still wil be able to train and take your test.

Peace
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
I've learned to be careful when I'm nage to make sure my partner doesn't get injured, but there's not much I can do about preventing injury to myself when I'm nage (except to be really solid in my stance) when I'm working with someone who lacks the understanding about what 'going with the flow' when taking ukemi really means.

When it was pointed out to me years ago about the difference between defending and attacking, I started really working on making sure I didn't go into defense mode after the initial strike. I learned my lesson the hard way about defending after getting a concussion from a black belt who forgot I was still a white belt and reacted with more force than I could take ukemi for.

However, I believe this person truly does not understand the difference between attacking (which is really continuing to move forward and making sure you are in a position to regain your balance if nage makes a mistake) and defending (coming to a dead stop, or, as in this case, collapsing), and why it is safer for both uke and nage.

I can't fault the instructors because they have tried to teach him; he just ignores them and carries on doing what he was doing.

However, I think he believes he's doing what's expected of him and that's why he's so resistant to being taught.

The bullying - well, my response to that is to ignore him completely. Whatever issues he has with me, he'll have to sort them out - I can't do it for him. I am who I am - middle aged, bulky, restricted in movement because of physical issues, and dedicated to the practice - the whole practice - of aikido, for as long as I can continue to be on the mat. I realize that ignoring him may not be the best way to interpret the harmonization of the mind, body and spirit in aikido, but I can at least be true to who I am and the dedication of my search for a better understanding of the way.

Today I had no weird symptoms and the soreness seems to be diminishing. Going out for walks during the day (I sit a lot because of working at the computer all day) has helped. I'll carry on avoiding ukemi for the next few practice sessions and next week I'll try a few half back rolls to see if I can at least do that during the seminar.

Now all I need is the $350 to cover the seminar and testing/promotion fees! Of course, if I don't pass, I won't have to worry about the promotion fee.... ;)
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
Oh Suzi! I am so sorry to hear that you are being bullied, I was bullied as a child and it's not fun. If someone doesn't put him in his place, he'll move onto someone else.

It's a shame that the Sensei is not coming to your defense by having a class disussion on the cost and effects of bullying. Recent a teenage killed himself and several other people due the same thing.

He must think he's a "big" man. I think he's insecure, and immature.

Hang in there. Love ya!

Suzi is our SuperSpy who finds the best pictures of our Steven (I love you, Suzi, my dearest!).

I'm known around here as 'TD' ;)

Thank you for your support. I think what I will do is send mehtta to him and perhaps he will be able to open himself to the learning the way of aikido and to understand it is not up to him who makes the decision to be on the mat.

As for the bullying, I'm doubtful that even if my sensei did have a general discussion about bullying, he wouldn't be thinking it had anything to do with him, as he believes he's the victim and I'm the one with the problems and issues that I'm not owning up to.

However, I've decided I've spent enough time on his issues, and now I am going to focus on healing, mind, body and spirit so that I am ready to take the test without distractions.

I still can't believe I'm a week and a half away from taking the shodan test. I never thought, when I started this journey, I would get this far. I just hope my poor old body can last!
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
Thanks, Tenshin! (sorry about the long absence).

I think I'm good to continue practicing for another couple of years. The spinal stenosis hasn't gotten any worse, which means I haven't lost any strength or functionality in my arms and legs yet. I'm still trying to figure out what's causing the TIAs (mini-strokes) I've been having, but I haven't had any that were recognizable as such for over a year. The rules say I can't take my NiDan until 2 years after my ShoDan, so I figure if I start practicing now I should be ready by October 2014!

What the heck - I'm going to go for it!
 
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