Laughter is the best medicine!
- Thread starter yudansha
- Start date
- Status
yudansha
TheGreatOne
it's not personal ... it's comedy
Two blondes are walking on the beach, when one of them says:
First blonde: “Look, a dead bird!”
Second blonde looks at the sky: “Where?”
The new pharmaceutical product: ViagraLite after which you will only desire to kiss.
On the honeymoon, wife:
“Well, you aren’t going to make it as a lover…”
“Interesting, but how could you tell after 10 seconds?”
How can three programmers create a business?
First writes viruses, the second anti-viruses.
And third?
Third writes operational systems under which everything works.
A Spanish man and a Swedish woman live across the hall from each other. The woman gets a knock at the door:
“Who’s there?”
“Juan Carlos Emanuel da Silva!”
“O.K. come in, but one by one…”
Two blondes are walking on the beach, when one of them says:
First blonde: “Look, a dead bird!”
Second blonde looks at the sky: “Where?”
The new pharmaceutical product: ViagraLite after which you will only desire to kiss.
On the honeymoon, wife:
“Well, you aren’t going to make it as a lover…”
“Interesting, but how could you tell after 10 seconds?”
How can three programmers create a business?
First writes viruses, the second anti-viruses.
And third?
Third writes operational systems under which everything works.
A Spanish man and a Swedish woman live across the hall from each other. The woman gets a knock at the door:
“Who’s there?”
“Juan Carlos Emanuel da Silva!”
“O.K. come in, but one by one…”
ORANGATUANG
Wildfire
Ohh boy i havent laughed so hard in a long time, keep them coming please....Heather.
yudansha
TheGreatOne
get ready for more:
A man asks the bartender:
“What’s in this cocktail?”
“Sugar, milk, and whiskey.”
“And how does it taste?”
“Excellent! Sugar – well, that’s strength, milk – that’s energy!”
“And whiskey?”
“Whiskey – well, that’s thoughts telling you how to apply that strength and energy.”
Two friends doing a crossword:
“Woman’s sexual organ…”
“Vertically or horizontally?”
“Horizontally.”
“Then – the mouth.”
Little girl asks:
“Mom, you told me once that, angels have wings and that they can fly, right?”
“Yes my girl.”
“Well yesterday night, when you weren’t home, I heard that dad called our nanny an angel. When will she fly?”
“Tomorrow morning, my darling.”
(not a dirty joke … well, it depends how you look at it :=)
A patient comes to his doctor for his annual medical check-up. The doctor says:
“You must fill this with a sample of your sperm and bring it in tomorrow morning for analysis.”
The next morning the man comes, takes out his little bottle – and it’s empty like yesterday!
“What’s the problem?” the doctor asks surprisingly.
“I really tried very hard: first, with the left hand; then with the right. My wife even tried with both hands, even with her mouth starting just with her lips and then with her teeth. Nothing! Afterwards, we asked our neighbor for help. She too, tried with both of her hands, with her mouth, bit with her teeth. Nothing helped.
Doctor looks at his patient astonishingly:
“You asked your neighbor for help?!”
“Yes, and with everything that was done, we still couldn’t open this darn bottle!”
(now this joke is definitely …)
A man (or if you want; make it a woman instead, and it will be a different kind of a joke) comes to his doctor and complaints about his headache that he’s had for 17 years.
“Nothing that you give me helps!”
Doctor: “When I get a pain like that, I just take my wife and have sex with her in the shower to forget that the pain existed.”
After a while, the doctor meets with that patient again and is interested to know the outcomes. The patient with utmost admiration exclaims:
“Excellent! 17 years and nothing helped, but here you go and it’s like the pain never existed!
Doctor: “I never give bad advice.”
“Amazing doctor, your wife is incredible!”
An American tours Paris with his guide:
“Everything here is so small! That building there, for example, would be 10 times bigger in America.”
“Why of course sir that is a psychiatric clinic.”
A blind man comes into the store, takes a dog by the tail and starts swinging it above the head. A clerk screams:
“Hey, why are you torturing that animal?”
“Don’t bother me, I’m looking around.”
Something funny to think about (don’t bring me your proofs, this is just a joke):
A worker comes to his boss, and asks for a two week vacation. The boss replies:
- Get this: a year has 366 days. Every day you sleep for 8 hours – that is 122 days, 244 left. 8 hours you rest after work – that is 122 additional days; 122 left. You don’t work on Sundays, and that is another 52 days in a years, meaning 70 days left. You work half a day each Saturday, so that is another half of 52, making 26 additional days. What’s left? 44 days. Every day, you have a two hour lunch break, and that is 30 days, leaving you with 14. A year has 13 holidays. 1 day left; and this is the first of January – on this day, NOBODY works. And after all this, you will ask me for vacation? Get to work!!!
A man asks the bartender:
“What’s in this cocktail?”
“Sugar, milk, and whiskey.”
“And how does it taste?”
“Excellent! Sugar – well, that’s strength, milk – that’s energy!”
“And whiskey?”
“Whiskey – well, that’s thoughts telling you how to apply that strength and energy.”
Two friends doing a crossword:
“Woman’s sexual organ…”
“Vertically or horizontally?”
“Horizontally.”
“Then – the mouth.”
Little girl asks:
“Mom, you told me once that, angels have wings and that they can fly, right?”
“Yes my girl.”
“Well yesterday night, when you weren’t home, I heard that dad called our nanny an angel. When will she fly?”
“Tomorrow morning, my darling.”
(not a dirty joke … well, it depends how you look at it :=)
A patient comes to his doctor for his annual medical check-up. The doctor says:
“You must fill this with a sample of your sperm and bring it in tomorrow morning for analysis.”
The next morning the man comes, takes out his little bottle – and it’s empty like yesterday!
“What’s the problem?” the doctor asks surprisingly.
“I really tried very hard: first, with the left hand; then with the right. My wife even tried with both hands, even with her mouth starting just with her lips and then with her teeth. Nothing! Afterwards, we asked our neighbor for help. She too, tried with both of her hands, with her mouth, bit with her teeth. Nothing helped.
Doctor looks at his patient astonishingly:
“You asked your neighbor for help?!”
“Yes, and with everything that was done, we still couldn’t open this darn bottle!”
(now this joke is definitely …)
A man (or if you want; make it a woman instead, and it will be a different kind of a joke) comes to his doctor and complaints about his headache that he’s had for 17 years.
“Nothing that you give me helps!”
Doctor: “When I get a pain like that, I just take my wife and have sex with her in the shower to forget that the pain existed.”
After a while, the doctor meets with that patient again and is interested to know the outcomes. The patient with utmost admiration exclaims:
“Excellent! 17 years and nothing helped, but here you go and it’s like the pain never existed!
Doctor: “I never give bad advice.”
“Amazing doctor, your wife is incredible!”
An American tours Paris with his guide:
“Everything here is so small! That building there, for example, would be 10 times bigger in America.”
“Why of course sir that is a psychiatric clinic.”
A blind man comes into the store, takes a dog by the tail and starts swinging it above the head. A clerk screams:
“Hey, why are you torturing that animal?”
“Don’t bother me, I’m looking around.”
Something funny to think about (don’t bring me your proofs, this is just a joke):
A worker comes to his boss, and asks for a two week vacation. The boss replies:
- Get this: a year has 366 days. Every day you sleep for 8 hours – that is 122 days, 244 left. 8 hours you rest after work – that is 122 additional days; 122 left. You don’t work on Sundays, and that is another 52 days in a years, meaning 70 days left. You work half a day each Saturday, so that is another half of 52, making 26 additional days. What’s left? 44 days. Every day, you have a two hour lunch break, and that is 30 days, leaving you with 14. A year has 13 holidays. 1 day left; and this is the first of January – on this day, NOBODY works. And after all this, you will ask me for vacation? Get to work!!!
yudansha
TheGreatOne
paradox to all the girls from all us boys :=)
Paradox:
Modern women wear wigs, colour their hair, put on fake eye-lashes and nails, make corrections to their figure, tighten their faces, get breast implants ... and still complaint today that it's difficult to find a real man!
Paradox:
Modern women wear wigs, colour their hair, put on fake eye-lashes and nails, make corrections to their figure, tighten their faces, get breast implants ... and still complaint today that it's difficult to find a real man!
yudansha
TheGreatOne
math for everybody
To a math professor:
- Are you going to vote?
- No.
- Why, professor?
- According to the theory of probability, my vote will not matter.
- But professor, what if everbody is as 'smart' like you are?
- According to the theory of probability all cannot be smart...
To a math professor:
- Are you going to vote?
- No.
- Why, professor?
- According to the theory of probability, my vote will not matter.
- But professor, what if everbody is as 'smart' like you are?
- According to the theory of probability all cannot be smart...
yudansha
TheGreatOne
some more fun stuff ...
funny, sad, but true:
Once, Einstein was aked a question - "What do you think will be the main weapon of World War 3?"
"I don't know," said the intellectual, "but in WW4, the main weapon will be a wooden axe."
something to think about (Russia):
In what other country can you find alcohol in a bulletproof safe, but a "nuclear button" in a plastic box?
I'm looking forward to the DVD version of the Passion of the Christ; so as to watch those 'alternate endings.'
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Why can't women put on eye shadow with their mouths closed?
Why is it that to close Windows, you need to press Start?
Why is the person who holds your money called a broker?
Lab technician in a computer class:
Before putting a floppy disk into the drive, check it for viruses.
(you just cannot go without this genre)
Why do blondes wear tight skirts?
To keep their legs together.
Mother-son:
M: "I left two pieces of cake in the morning, but now there's only one. How did that happen?"
S: "Well, mom, you see, it was very dark, and I didn't notice the second piece."
Two friends talking:
"Listen, I got Viagra yesterday. It's something alright! Eight times in three hours..."
"And, your woman?"
"Woman?," he answers sadly, "a woman didn't come."
A small boy comes to the store and asks for shoe laces. The clerk asks him: "What kind do you want?"
The boy answers, "One left and one right."
funny, sad, but true:
Once, Einstein was aked a question - "What do you think will be the main weapon of World War 3?"
"I don't know," said the intellectual, "but in WW4, the main weapon will be a wooden axe."
something to think about (Russia):
In what other country can you find alcohol in a bulletproof safe, but a "nuclear button" in a plastic box?
I'm looking forward to the DVD version of the Passion of the Christ; so as to watch those 'alternate endings.'
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Why can't women put on eye shadow with their mouths closed?
Why is it that to close Windows, you need to press Start?
Why is the person who holds your money called a broker?
Lab technician in a computer class:
Before putting a floppy disk into the drive, check it for viruses.
(you just cannot go without this genre)
Why do blondes wear tight skirts?
To keep their legs together.
Mother-son:
M: "I left two pieces of cake in the morning, but now there's only one. How did that happen?"
S: "Well, mom, you see, it was very dark, and I didn't notice the second piece."
Two friends talking:
"Listen, I got Viagra yesterday. It's something alright! Eight times in three hours..."
"And, your woman?"
"Woman?," he answers sadly, "a woman didn't come."
A small boy comes to the store and asks for shoe laces. The clerk asks him: "What kind do you want?"
The boy answers, "One left and one right."
I don't drink much, but I thought this was hilarious. 
Top 10 Drinking Symptoms:
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.
Top 10 Drinking Symptoms:
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.
yudansha
TheGreatOne
keep on smiling little helpers
A conversation between a husband (H) and wife (W) about in-laws:
W: - Listen, what are we going to give my mom for her Birthday?
H: - What did we give her last time?
W: - Last time we gave her a chair.
H: - Then this time we will connect electricity to it.
Commercial: Don't kill your wife with house work, let the electricity do the work for you. 'T-Fal,' you can always count on us!
Tampax - free delivery and installation.
Hi! You reached Joe and Mellinda. We can't come to the phone right now, because we are busy with what we love doing the most... We both love to do it very slowly and with a lot of pleasure! Mellinda loves up-and-down, and I love it back-and-forth. Anyways, when we finish brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you!
If you don't know what gift to get your wife for March 8 - then finally disassemble your Christmas tree!
A conversation between a husband (H) and wife (W) about in-laws:
W: - Listen, what are we going to give my mom for her Birthday?
H: - What did we give her last time?
W: - Last time we gave her a chair.
H: - Then this time we will connect electricity to it.
Commercial: Don't kill your wife with house work, let the electricity do the work for you. 'T-Fal,' you can always count on us!
Tampax - free delivery and installation.
Hi! You reached Joe and Mellinda. We can't come to the phone right now, because we are busy with what we love doing the most... We both love to do it very slowly and with a lot of pleasure! Mellinda loves up-and-down, and I love it back-and-forth. Anyways, when we finish brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you!
If you don't know what gift to get your wife for March 8 - then finally disassemble your Christmas tree!
yudansha
TheGreatOne
additional funnies
There is only one index of health in Russia - one can drink, or one cannot.
President Putin and President Bush signed a treaty agreement on liquidation of all nuclear missiles. A month later, Bush calls Putin and says:
- You know Vladimir, I tricked you, I saved 10 strategic rockets in our secret silver-mine. Now you will have to listen to me or else!
Putin, sits astonished at what he heard when comes in his secretary:
- Mr. Putin, we had a confusion about the agreement on the liquidation of those nuclear rockets from Siberia. The Lieutenant in charge of the state of nuclear strategics got drunk and forgot to destroy those 100 weapons governed by the treaty!
Putin: - "First of all: he's no Lieutenant, he's a General-Lieutenant ... now, and second of all: when Russia drinks, we are invincible!!!"
A man comes to the store to buy some condoms, and a pharmaceutical technician asks him:
- "What size do you need?"
- "Well, I don't know ... approximately this size," the man takes his index finger and a thumb forming a circle, in a form of 'O.K.' sign.
The technician copies his sign with her own hand, and asks her sales-girl. The sales-girl copies the sign with her own hand, applies it to her mouth, and screams:
- "Five!"
An army-man in bed with his wife. Nothing is working. Wife:
- What's wrong with you today?
- I'm not in uniform!
- Then put it on!
A cop stops a speeding car:
- You were going 120 in a 60 zone!
- But there are two of us.
It turned out that the new millennium bug was a threat to human kind. The World Health Organization publically announced critical facts: those born in the year 2000 cannot read, write, or count. Not one was able to get a job in any field. The medical communities everywhere are very concerned.
There is only one index of health in Russia - one can drink, or one cannot.
President Putin and President Bush signed a treaty agreement on liquidation of all nuclear missiles. A month later, Bush calls Putin and says:
- You know Vladimir, I tricked you, I saved 10 strategic rockets in our secret silver-mine. Now you will have to listen to me or else!
Putin, sits astonished at what he heard when comes in his secretary:
- Mr. Putin, we had a confusion about the agreement on the liquidation of those nuclear rockets from Siberia. The Lieutenant in charge of the state of nuclear strategics got drunk and forgot to destroy those 100 weapons governed by the treaty!
Putin: - "First of all: he's no Lieutenant, he's a General-Lieutenant ... now, and second of all: when Russia drinks, we are invincible!!!"
A man comes to the store to buy some condoms, and a pharmaceutical technician asks him:
- "What size do you need?"
- "Well, I don't know ... approximately this size," the man takes his index finger and a thumb forming a circle, in a form of 'O.K.' sign.
The technician copies his sign with her own hand, and asks her sales-girl. The sales-girl copies the sign with her own hand, applies it to her mouth, and screams:
- "Five!"
An army-man in bed with his wife. Nothing is working. Wife:
- What's wrong with you today?
- I'm not in uniform!
- Then put it on!
A cop stops a speeding car:
- You were going 120 in a 60 zone!
- But there are two of us.
It turned out that the new millennium bug was a threat to human kind. The World Health Organization publically announced critical facts: those born in the year 2000 cannot read, write, or count. Not one was able to get a job in any field. The medical communities everywhere are very concerned.
yudansha
TheGreatOne
Neurotically Yours; disgretion :=)
Viwer disgretion is advised! I suggest you lower the volume if you are around sensitive ears (it's worth the joke listening to):
http://www.illwillpress.com/sml.html
Viwer disgretion is advised! I suggest you lower the volume if you are around sensitive ears (it's worth the joke listening to):
http://www.illwillpress.com/sml.html
Amos Stevens
New Member
Why Teachers go Crazy
> TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
> STUDENT: Seven.
> TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
> STUDENT: Nine.
> TEACHER: That's impossible.
> STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------
> I LOVE this one.......
>
> TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North
> America.
> GEORGE: Here it is!
> TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered
> America?
> CLASS: George!
>
> -------------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have
> today that we didn't have ten years ago.
> WILLY: Me!
>
> ------------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
> BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
> ------------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
> STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
> TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you
> didn't?
> STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I
> don't expect you to keep yours.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
> TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you
> are.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------
> HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I
> didn't do? TEACHER: Of course not.
> HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: Why are you late?
> WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
> TEACHER: What sign?
> WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's
> paper.
> JOHN: I hope you didn't either.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------
> GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
> TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can
> give you.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that
> test?
> JUNIOR: Because of absence.
> MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the
> test?
> JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
> -----------------------------------------------------
> SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
> FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
> SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say
> about your son. FATHER: What's that?
> TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be
> cheating.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
> SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher...snakes don't
> have feet.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused
> by biting insects?
> JOSE: Don't bite any.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with
> "I".
> ELLEN: I is...
> TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
> ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
> alphabet."
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what
> would you get? SASHA: A new bike.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your
> father for another, how many dollars would you have?
>
> VINCENT: One dollar.
> TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
> VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and
> eight oranges in the other,what would I have?
> CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> BOY: Isn't the principal a dummy!
> GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?
> BOY: No.
> GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.
> BOY: And do you know who I am?
> GIRL: No.
> BOY: Thank goodness!
> TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
> STUDENT: Seven.
> TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
> STUDENT: Nine.
> TEACHER: That's impossible.
> STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------
> I LOVE this one.......
>
> TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North
> America.
> GEORGE: Here it is!
> TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered
> America?
> CLASS: George!
>
> -------------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have
> today that we didn't have ten years ago.
> WILLY: Me!
>
> ------------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
> BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
> ------------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
> STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
> TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you
> didn't?
> STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I
> don't expect you to keep yours.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
> TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you
> are.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------
> HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I
> didn't do? TEACHER: Of course not.
> HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: Why are you late?
> WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
> TEACHER: What sign?
> WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's
> paper.
> JOHN: I hope you didn't either.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------
> GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
> TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can
> give you.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that
> test?
> JUNIOR: Because of absence.
> MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the
> test?
> JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
> -----------------------------------------------------
> SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
> FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
> SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say
> about your son. FATHER: What's that?
> TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be
> cheating.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
> SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher...snakes don't
> have feet.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused
> by biting insects?
> JOSE: Don't bite any.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with
> "I".
> ELLEN: I is...
> TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
> ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
> alphabet."
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what
> would you get? SASHA: A new bike.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your
> father for another, how many dollars would you have?
>
> VINCENT: One dollar.
> TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
> VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and
> eight oranges in the other,what would I have?
> CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
>
> -----------------------------------------------------
> BOY: Isn't the principal a dummy!
> GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?
> BOY: No.
> GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.
> BOY: And do you know who I am?
> GIRL: No.
> BOY: Thank goodness!
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