Amos Stevens
New Member
(don't shoot the delivery boy-I'm just posting)
Celebrity Weakest Link
written by: Jean-Philippe Arcand
Anne Robinson.....Rachel Dratch
George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell
Carson Daly.....Jimmy Fallon
Ozzy Osbourne.....Horatio Sanz
Sarah Michelle Gellar.....Reese Witherspoon
Martha Stewart.....Ana Gasteyer
Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond
Ricky Martin.....Chris Kattan
Steven Seagal.....Chris Parnell
Announcer: Tonight, these eight celebrities will compete against each other to win money for their charity. Only one of them will win. The others will be voted off as...the weakest link.
(cuts to Anne Robinson)
Anne Robinson: Welcome to this celebrity edition of...the-weakest-link! Let's meet tonight's famous retards.
(each celebrity look at the camera one by one)
George W. Bush: Good evening America, I'm your president, George W. Bush.
Carson Daly: Hey there Carson Daly here, and I have a very small penis.
Ozzy Osbourne: (eating a bat's head) Wazzzuuuuupppp!
Sarah Michelle Gellar: (high-pitched laugh) Hi kids! It's Buffy! I'm so pleased to be here. Tee-hee!
Martha Stewart: (arranging flowers over her podium) Good evening I'm Martha Stewart, and I decorated this lame podium with colorful sunflowers and perfumed the entire studio with a giant Plug-In smelling lilac.
Sean Connery: I'm Sean Connery, and I will make love to any woman in the audience (laughs).
Ricky Martin: (dancing wildly) Come on, I'm Ricky Martin come on!
Steven Seagal: Hi, I'm Steven Seagal, and if I don't get the dough, I'm gonna smash your head in your podium!
Anne Robinson: I wonder why we didn't leave you with Alex Trebek.
Sean Connery: Oh, I can tell you why (laughs).
Anne Robinson: (yelling) Silence, Scottish ignorant! We'll start the game with the first dumbass, that's Mr. President. Let's play...the-weakest-link!
(cuts to George W. Bush)
Anne Robinson: Dubya, Who invented the light bulb?
George W. Bush: I'm gonna beat the crap out of Osama Bin Laden!
Anne Robinson: Correct!
Steven Seagal: Wait a minute, that's wrong. Osama Bin Laden didn't invent the light bulb. Isaac Newton did.
Anne Robinson: I'm surprised a terrible actor like you has minimal knowledge in any other field than bad action movies. By the way, I would also like to beat the crap out of Bin Laden, so Mr. Bush's answer is correct. (cuts to Carson Daly). Carson! Before Jack Paar, who hosted the Tonight Show?
Carson Daly: Uhhhh...I did because I am the most popular host in da whole world!
Anne Robinson: Wrong! The correct answer was Steve Allen. It's okay if you didn't get this one right because your mama tells you to go to sleep after 7:30 pm! Ozzy! Who is the lead singer of Aerosmith?
Ozzy Osbourne: (raising arms in the air and yelling): AAAAAARRRRRGGHHHHHHH!
Anne Robinson: Stunning. The correct answer was Steven Tyler.
Steven Seagal: Hehe...we're both called Steven...hehe...that's funny.
Anne Robinson: Why don't you go back to Hollywood and make other crappy action movies with unknown rappers? Sarah! Who is slower than a snail with a limp?
Sarah Michelle Gellar: (acting as a silly teenage girl) Uhhh...I dunno!
Anne Robinson: You are! Martha! You're a disgusting old and freaky witch who's trying to make us buy your crap!
Martha Stewart: It's true.
Anne Robinson: Correct! Ricky! Whose career is already over?
Ricky Martin: Come on, shake your bon-bon, old lady!
Anne Robinson: Yours! Sean! Who needs Viagra?
Sean Connery: I certainly don't, because a fellow English lady is really arousing! Ha ha!
Anne Robinson: Wrong! The correct answer was me!
George W. Bush: (confused) What did you just say?
Anne Robinson: Shut up! Why are you here? You should be helping the rescuers in New York. Don't let Cheney do all the work once again. He'll have another heart attack! Steven! You suck!
Steven Seagal: Hey, that wasn't nice. Why are you so bitchy with other people?
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Yeah, why? Because it's really hurting people and I think hurting people is bad.
Anne Robinson: I'm just doing my depressing job. (sobbing) You don't know what it is when you have to deal with stupid celebrities like you. It's hard for me. Sometimes I can't sleep. (puts face in hands and starts crying)
Martha Stewart: (approaches Anne Robinson and hugs her) Oh, I understand you, poor little one. I'm used to being compared to a devil. But in the bottom of my heart, I'm not. I'm just trying to steal money from poor people.
Anne Robinson: You do?
Martha Stewart: Of course. Now, why don't you take a break and buy one of my famous blankets? $29,95 each.
Carson Daly: Enough with the sweet talk! I wanna win money for my charity.
Sean Connery: What charity are you playing for, laddy?
Carson Daly: The world-famous, booty-licious, Gold Club! Yeaaaah!
Ozzy Osbourne: I like cookies.
Steven Seagal: Dude, go see a shrink.
Anne Robinson: Finally you had an intelligent thought.
George W. Bush: Hey I thought you were done with insulting contestants.
Anne Robinson: As I said this is part of my job. So zip it!
Sean Connery: Wow, you're hot.
Anne Robinson: Wrong! I'm cold as your genitals!
Sean Connery: I think you don't know what you're talking about. Ha ha!
Sarah Michelle Gellar: (laughing like a young child) Ohhh...she said genitals! Tee-hee!
Anne Robinson: Naturally you don't know what I'm talking about since you're still a virgin like all the other teen stars who want to prove they can resist the temptation! But we all know you did some butt-bouncing with Freddie!
(Sarah Michelle Gellar starts to cry)
Anne Robinson: I'm being told we're done for tonight. None of our eight celebrities have won any money for their charity. So once again, they've just contributed to make the world more miserable. We'll see you tomorrow on...the-weakest-link! Good night!
(Ricky Martin comes to the center of the stage and starts dancing)
(fade)
Celebrity Weakest Link
written by: Jean-Philippe Arcand
Anne Robinson.....Rachel Dratch
George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell
Carson Daly.....Jimmy Fallon
Ozzy Osbourne.....Horatio Sanz
Sarah Michelle Gellar.....Reese Witherspoon
Martha Stewart.....Ana Gasteyer
Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond
Ricky Martin.....Chris Kattan
Steven Seagal.....Chris Parnell
Announcer: Tonight, these eight celebrities will compete against each other to win money for their charity. Only one of them will win. The others will be voted off as...the weakest link.
(cuts to Anne Robinson)
Anne Robinson: Welcome to this celebrity edition of...the-weakest-link! Let's meet tonight's famous retards.
(each celebrity look at the camera one by one)
George W. Bush: Good evening America, I'm your president, George W. Bush.
Carson Daly: Hey there Carson Daly here, and I have a very small penis.
Ozzy Osbourne: (eating a bat's head) Wazzzuuuuupppp!
Sarah Michelle Gellar: (high-pitched laugh) Hi kids! It's Buffy! I'm so pleased to be here. Tee-hee!
Martha Stewart: (arranging flowers over her podium) Good evening I'm Martha Stewart, and I decorated this lame podium with colorful sunflowers and perfumed the entire studio with a giant Plug-In smelling lilac.
Sean Connery: I'm Sean Connery, and I will make love to any woman in the audience (laughs).
Ricky Martin: (dancing wildly) Come on, I'm Ricky Martin come on!
Steven Seagal: Hi, I'm Steven Seagal, and if I don't get the dough, I'm gonna smash your head in your podium!
Anne Robinson: I wonder why we didn't leave you with Alex Trebek.
Sean Connery: Oh, I can tell you why (laughs).
Anne Robinson: (yelling) Silence, Scottish ignorant! We'll start the game with the first dumbass, that's Mr. President. Let's play...the-weakest-link!
(cuts to George W. Bush)
Anne Robinson: Dubya, Who invented the light bulb?
George W. Bush: I'm gonna beat the crap out of Osama Bin Laden!
Anne Robinson: Correct!
Steven Seagal: Wait a minute, that's wrong. Osama Bin Laden didn't invent the light bulb. Isaac Newton did.
Anne Robinson: I'm surprised a terrible actor like you has minimal knowledge in any other field than bad action movies. By the way, I would also like to beat the crap out of Bin Laden, so Mr. Bush's answer is correct. (cuts to Carson Daly). Carson! Before Jack Paar, who hosted the Tonight Show?
Carson Daly: Uhhhh...I did because I am the most popular host in da whole world!
Anne Robinson: Wrong! The correct answer was Steve Allen. It's okay if you didn't get this one right because your mama tells you to go to sleep after 7:30 pm! Ozzy! Who is the lead singer of Aerosmith?
Ozzy Osbourne: (raising arms in the air and yelling): AAAAAARRRRRGGHHHHHHH!
Anne Robinson: Stunning. The correct answer was Steven Tyler.
Steven Seagal: Hehe...we're both called Steven...hehe...that's funny.
Anne Robinson: Why don't you go back to Hollywood and make other crappy action movies with unknown rappers? Sarah! Who is slower than a snail with a limp?
Sarah Michelle Gellar: (acting as a silly teenage girl) Uhhh...I dunno!
Anne Robinson: You are! Martha! You're a disgusting old and freaky witch who's trying to make us buy your crap!
Martha Stewart: It's true.
Anne Robinson: Correct! Ricky! Whose career is already over?
Ricky Martin: Come on, shake your bon-bon, old lady!
Anne Robinson: Yours! Sean! Who needs Viagra?
Sean Connery: I certainly don't, because a fellow English lady is really arousing! Ha ha!
Anne Robinson: Wrong! The correct answer was me!
George W. Bush: (confused) What did you just say?
Anne Robinson: Shut up! Why are you here? You should be helping the rescuers in New York. Don't let Cheney do all the work once again. He'll have another heart attack! Steven! You suck!
Steven Seagal: Hey, that wasn't nice. Why are you so bitchy with other people?
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Yeah, why? Because it's really hurting people and I think hurting people is bad.
Anne Robinson: I'm just doing my depressing job. (sobbing) You don't know what it is when you have to deal with stupid celebrities like you. It's hard for me. Sometimes I can't sleep. (puts face in hands and starts crying)
Martha Stewart: (approaches Anne Robinson and hugs her) Oh, I understand you, poor little one. I'm used to being compared to a devil. But in the bottom of my heart, I'm not. I'm just trying to steal money from poor people.
Anne Robinson: You do?
Martha Stewart: Of course. Now, why don't you take a break and buy one of my famous blankets? $29,95 each.
Carson Daly: Enough with the sweet talk! I wanna win money for my charity.
Sean Connery: What charity are you playing for, laddy?
Carson Daly: The world-famous, booty-licious, Gold Club! Yeaaaah!
Ozzy Osbourne: I like cookies.
Steven Seagal: Dude, go see a shrink.
Anne Robinson: Finally you had an intelligent thought.
George W. Bush: Hey I thought you were done with insulting contestants.
Anne Robinson: As I said this is part of my job. So zip it!
Sean Connery: Wow, you're hot.
Anne Robinson: Wrong! I'm cold as your genitals!
Sean Connery: I think you don't know what you're talking about. Ha ha!
Sarah Michelle Gellar: (laughing like a young child) Ohhh...she said genitals! Tee-hee!
Anne Robinson: Naturally you don't know what I'm talking about since you're still a virgin like all the other teen stars who want to prove they can resist the temptation! But we all know you did some butt-bouncing with Freddie!
(Sarah Michelle Gellar starts to cry)
Anne Robinson: I'm being told we're done for tonight. None of our eight celebrities have won any money for their charity. So once again, they've just contributed to make the world more miserable. We'll see you tomorrow on...the-weakest-link! Good night!
(Ricky Martin comes to the center of the stage and starts dancing)
(fade)
