I don't know who or what this site is, The Plain Dealer from Cleveland.com. There are references to Steven's so-called "official" website and his Crystal Cave CD--among things. 
Although I don't agree with his remarks on the Glimmerman, some of it is pretty funny.
More From The Plain Dealer
DOMESTIC BLISS
The end is near; just check the Internet
Thursday, September 02, 2004
I don't want to alarm you while you're eating your bowl of Michael Phelps Wheaties, but here's the thing. You know the third horseman? The one we thought was so far away?
I hate to tell you this, but he just galloped in. Between wheezes and unending demands for Perrier and foot massages, he let drop that the fourth horseman is not far behind him. Seems he got stuck in a monster traffic jam, and then he kept wanting to stop at every single rest stop, and with one thing and another he got behind. The other three horsemen have, like, had it with the guy.
Anyway. Do you realize what this means?
First, and most important, it means load up on all the carbs you want. Second, small detail, the end of the world is almost here.
Naturally, Donald Trump is involved. Also, Steven Seagal.
Mr. Trump opened the corral gate for the third horseman when he decided that bankrupt casinos, hideous buildings and cruel reality TV shows were just not enough of a legacy for the likes of The Donald. No: He must shape the minds of future generations, too. So he's founding a university.
Can you guess what he's naming it? (For those of you playing along at home, here's a hint: Trump Tower. Trump Casino Hotel. Trump Taj Mahal. Trump Plaza. Trump Marina. Trump Ice . . .)
Ding ding ding ding ding! We have a winner! Yes, it will be called Trump University. The invaluable Web site The Smoking Gun has posted Trump's application for a trademark for Trump University, which will offer "educational services in the nature of conducting on-line courses in the fields of business and real estate."
Online. Rats. I wanted to see the dorm.
Meanwhile, let us not forget that fourth horseman, currently feeding his 86th quarter into the Treasure Chest Claw Machine at the rest stop on I-90. He WILL HAVE that Power Ranger plush doll, even if it means delaying the end of the world as we know it.
According to the third horseman, the end times will begin in France, where Steven Seagal's new album, "Songs From the Crystal Cave," is reportedly climbing the charts. (I say reportedly, because it is Seagal's own Web site, www.stevenseagal.com, doing the reporting. If I had a Web site, I could report that I am "climbing Mount Everest without oxygen, following a leisurely lunch in France.")
The Web site has a photo of Seagal caressing a guitar, next to this advisory, which apparently was translated from the original Urdu: "The general public knew through his many films of action but it is another facet of his personality which emerges in 2004! This enthusiastic follower of Buddhism delivers an awesome album already bubbling on the charts in France!"
I don't enjoy being the one to point this out, but the fourth horseman is on his way because Seagal is breaking his Buddhist vows. On the "spirituality" page of his Web site, he says: "I am here on this Earth for one thing, and that is to see if I can somehow serve humankind and ease the suffering of others."
Ease the suffering of others? Dude. Then how do you explain "The Glimmer Man"? Huh? HUH? I mean, I saw it in 1996 and I STILL wake up in a sweat, moaning, "Make it stop."
Does the Dalai Lama know about this album? Does he know that (again, from the Web site) "Steven Seagal delivers titles to the American ultra consonances (blues, folk) but also of more directed songs world (ragga, Arab musics)"?
The fourth horseman sure knows about it, and he is not happy. I mean, look. He let us go on the William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy albums, because he's a Trekker. He even chose to ignore Jack Klugman singing "You're So Vain" to Tony Randall on that "Odd Couple" album. (Hear it at the even more invaluable Web site, www.miserablemelodies.com.)
But Steven Seagal vowed to ease suffering. Now he's singing ragga and Arab musics. The fourth horseman cannot ignore ragga. He's on his way. As soon as he gets that Power Ranger doll.
Although I don't agree with his remarks on the Glimmerman, some of it is pretty funny. More From The Plain Dealer
DOMESTIC BLISS
The end is near; just check the Internet
Thursday, September 02, 2004
I don't want to alarm you while you're eating your bowl of Michael Phelps Wheaties, but here's the thing. You know the third horseman? The one we thought was so far away?
I hate to tell you this, but he just galloped in. Between wheezes and unending demands for Perrier and foot massages, he let drop that the fourth horseman is not far behind him. Seems he got stuck in a monster traffic jam, and then he kept wanting to stop at every single rest stop, and with one thing and another he got behind. The other three horsemen have, like, had it with the guy.
Anyway. Do you realize what this means?
First, and most important, it means load up on all the carbs you want. Second, small detail, the end of the world is almost here.
Naturally, Donald Trump is involved. Also, Steven Seagal.
Mr. Trump opened the corral gate for the third horseman when he decided that bankrupt casinos, hideous buildings and cruel reality TV shows were just not enough of a legacy for the likes of The Donald. No: He must shape the minds of future generations, too. So he's founding a university.
Can you guess what he's naming it? (For those of you playing along at home, here's a hint: Trump Tower. Trump Casino Hotel. Trump Taj Mahal. Trump Plaza. Trump Marina. Trump Ice . . .)
Ding ding ding ding ding! We have a winner! Yes, it will be called Trump University. The invaluable Web site The Smoking Gun has posted Trump's application for a trademark for Trump University, which will offer "educational services in the nature of conducting on-line courses in the fields of business and real estate."
Online. Rats. I wanted to see the dorm.
Meanwhile, let us not forget that fourth horseman, currently feeding his 86th quarter into the Treasure Chest Claw Machine at the rest stop on I-90. He WILL HAVE that Power Ranger plush doll, even if it means delaying the end of the world as we know it.
According to the third horseman, the end times will begin in France, where Steven Seagal's new album, "Songs From the Crystal Cave," is reportedly climbing the charts. (I say reportedly, because it is Seagal's own Web site, www.stevenseagal.com, doing the reporting. If I had a Web site, I could report that I am "climbing Mount Everest without oxygen, following a leisurely lunch in France.")
The Web site has a photo of Seagal caressing a guitar, next to this advisory, which apparently was translated from the original Urdu: "The general public knew through his many films of action but it is another facet of his personality which emerges in 2004! This enthusiastic follower of Buddhism delivers an awesome album already bubbling on the charts in France!"
I don't enjoy being the one to point this out, but the fourth horseman is on his way because Seagal is breaking his Buddhist vows. On the "spirituality" page of his Web site, he says: "I am here on this Earth for one thing, and that is to see if I can somehow serve humankind and ease the suffering of others."
Ease the suffering of others? Dude. Then how do you explain "The Glimmer Man"? Huh? HUH? I mean, I saw it in 1996 and I STILL wake up in a sweat, moaning, "Make it stop."
Does the Dalai Lama know about this album? Does he know that (again, from the Web site) "Steven Seagal delivers titles to the American ultra consonances (blues, folk) but also of more directed songs world (ragga, Arab musics)"?
The fourth horseman sure knows about it, and he is not happy. I mean, look. He let us go on the William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy albums, because he's a Trekker. He even chose to ignore Jack Klugman singing "You're So Vain" to Tony Randall on that "Odd Couple" album. (Hear it at the even more invaluable Web site, www.miserablemelodies.com.)
But Steven Seagal vowed to ease suffering. Now he's singing ragga and Arab musics. The fourth horseman cannot ignore ragga. He's on his way. As soon as he gets that Power Ranger doll.
