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Memo From Santa

#1
MEMO FROM SANTA

I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer
be able
to service the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to
overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by
North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain
areas of Ohio,
Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and
better
contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that
in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local
replacement that happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the
family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys
to all
the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba

Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads:

"These toys insured by Smith &Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave a

RC Cola and peanut patty (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And
Bubba

doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have
an

empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs

instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of
my

reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.

4. You won't hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..."
when Bubba

Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and

LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely

to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a

Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back
Off!" .

7. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
you, the

wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents

under the tree.

8. Bubba Claus refuses to wear the standard issue Santa cap because
he

says it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been granted
permission

to wear a white Stetson with a red band instead and black cowboy
boots..



Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus (Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)