Memo From Santa

Amos Stevens

New Member

I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer
be able
to service the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to
current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by
American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain
areas of Ohio,
Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and
contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that
in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local
replacement that happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the
family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys
to all
the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba

Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that

"These toys insured by Smith &Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave a

RC Cola and peanut patty (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And

doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have

empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs

instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of

reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's

4. You won't hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..."
when Bubba

Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and

LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are

to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a

Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back
Off!" .

7. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
you, the

wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put

under the tree.

8. Bubba Claus refuses to wear the standard issue Santa cap because

says it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been granted

to wear a white Stetson with a red band instead and black cowboy

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus (Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)