Laughter is the best medicine (part 2)
- Thread starter Amos Stevens
- Start date
Amos Stevens
New Member
My Drug Problem
My Drug Problem
> My generation might just have been lucky. I had a
> drug problem when I was young, but I turned out all
> right.
> I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
> I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
> I was drug to family reunions no matter the weather.
>
> I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every
> weekday.
> I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to
> adults and teachers.
> I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my
> parents.
> Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my
> behavior in everything I do, say, and think.
> They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin,
> and if today's children had this kind of drug
> problem, America might be a better place.
My Drug Problem
> My generation might just have been lucky. I had a
> drug problem when I was young, but I turned out all
> right.
> I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
> I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
> I was drug to family reunions no matter the weather.
>
> I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every
> weekday.
> I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to
> adults and teachers.
> I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my
> parents.
> Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my
> behavior in everything I do, say, and think.
> They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin,
> and if today's children had this kind of drug
> problem, America might be a better place.
Amos Stevens
New Member
Work or prison
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This
> should make things a bit clearer.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON.. You spend the majority of your time
> in
> an 8X10 cell.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in
> a
> 6X8 cubicle.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and
> you
> pay for it.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the
> doors for you.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK...you must carry around a security card
> and
> open all the doors for
>
> >
>
> > > yourself.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and
> playing
> games.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who
> pees on the seat.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to
> visit.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK..you can't even speak to your family.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with
> no
> work required.
>
> >
>
> > > AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go
> to
> work and then they
>
> >
>
> > > deduct taxes from your
> salary
> to pay for prisoners.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside
> bars
> wanting to get out.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to
> get out and go inside
>
> >
>
> > > bars .
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK...they are called managers.
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This
> should make things a bit clearer.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON.. You spend the majority of your time
> in
> an 8X10 cell.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in
> a
> 6X8 cubicle.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and
> you
> pay for it.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the
> doors for you.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK...you must carry around a security card
> and
> open all the doors for
>
> >
>
> > > yourself.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and
> playing
> games.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who
> pees on the seat.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to
> visit.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK..you can't even speak to your family.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with
> no
> work required.
>
> >
>
> > > AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go
> to
> work and then they
>
> >
>
> > > deduct taxes from your
> salary
> to pay for prisoners.
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside
> bars
> wanting to get out.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to
> get out and go inside
>
> >
>
> > > bars .
>
> >
>
> > >
>
> >
>
> > >IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
>
> >
>
> > >AT WORK...they are called managers.
Lollipop
Banned
I was looking for a quote saw this I thought it was funny!!
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner
Amos I had read that drug thing before, but it didn't sink in! But today I re read and yes!! Yes!!
But now if you look at your children the wrong way it is child abuse and if you don't make them do everything perfect it is neglect!
To much government involvement! :apeace:
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner
Amos I had read that drug thing before, but it didn't sink in! But today I re read and yes!! Yes!!
But now if you look at your children the wrong way it is child abuse and if you don't make them do everything perfect it is neglect! To much government involvement! :apeace:
Storm
Smile dammit!
Lollipop
Banned
Storm said:Good one about prison Amos.
Check these out..
1 Clinton has his own lollipop
2 Sensei Cat!
3 A new use for clingfilm..
4 An own goal.
5 I doubt this girl is in mensa..
Storm, those are good, but I think Clinton has a sucker!! There is a difference between a sucker and a Lollipop!!
Need I explain!!?
Storm
Smile dammit!
I was of the opinion of if he was a good president,going with her would not affect it.
I bet Hilary was tempted to snip it off.
Actually she's pretty and demure. Makes you wonder why he wanted Monica.
They lose ther right to preach morals to us though with their mistresses and what have you.
Here,politicians are regarded as lower than a snake's belly,so no-one would be that surprised at a scandal.
1 Nice check!
2 Miss Chernobyl (title it was given not my idea Tora lol)
3 What's a girl to do?
4 About Clinton.Is that a real sign? I can't believe it lol.
5 Funny but a bit rude if you look close so don't open it if of a sensitive disposition (ie a prude!).
Just kidding lol before someone bops me.
I bet Hilary was tempted to snip it off
.Actually she's pretty and demure. Makes you wonder why he wanted Monica.
They lose ther right to preach morals to us though with their mistresses and what have you.
Here,politicians are regarded as lower than a snake's belly,so no-one would be that surprised at a scandal.
1 Nice check!
2 Miss Chernobyl (title it was given not my idea Tora lol)
3 What's a girl to do?
4 About Clinton.Is that a real sign? I can't believe it lol.
5 Funny but a bit rude if you look close so don't open it if of a sensitive disposition (ie a prude!).
Just kidding lol before someone bops me.
Attachments
Lollipop
Banned
Maybe to corny!
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It .
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It .
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
5. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting on the Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
6. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
7. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese .
8. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses .
9. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
10. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk .
11. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite .
12. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck .
13. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef .
14. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him .
15. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .
16. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog .
17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka .
18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag .
19. Why Did Pilgrims Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat .
20. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It .
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It .
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
5. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting on the Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
6. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
7. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese .
8. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses .
9. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
10. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk .
11. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite .
12. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck .
13. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef .
14. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him .
15. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .
16. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog .
17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka .
18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag .
19. Why Did Pilgrims Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat .
20. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Storm
Smile dammit!
Ha ha Lollipop. Some good ones there. And i loved that car Tora.It runs and runs.
3 guys on a plane that needs to lose weight to land,a Scotsman,a Mexican and an American.
"What will we dooo!!?"
"Aye,this is for Bonny Scotland" says the Scotsman and jumps out.
The American says "Remember The Alamo?" and pushes the Mexican out.
.3 guys on a plane that needs to lose weight to land,a Scotsman,a Mexican and an American.
"What will we dooo!!?"
"Aye,this is for Bonny Scotland" says the Scotsman and jumps out.
The American says "Remember The Alamo?" and pushes the Mexican out.
Lollipop
Banned
Storm said:Ha ha Lollipop. Some good ones there. And i loved that car Tora.It runs and runs
3 guys on a plane that needs to lose weight to land,a Scotsman,a Mexican and an American.
"What will we dooo!!?"
"Aye,this is for Bonny Scotland" says the Scotsman and jumps out.
The American says "Remember The Alamo?" and pushes the Mexican out.
Very good!!!
Lollipop
Banned
The Cynic's Guide to Life
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
Follow your dream. Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If a motorists cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothings gets the message across like a good mooning.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bon bon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the 'thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge' group.
Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car.
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives say over.
Love is like a roller coaster. If you like it, you don't want to get off, and when you don't... you can't wait to throw up.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
Follow your dream. Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If a motorists cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothings gets the message across like a good mooning.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bon bon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the 'thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge' group.
Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car.
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives say over.
Love is like a roller coaster. If you like it, you don't want to get off, and when you don't... you can't wait to throw up.
Jules
Potters Clay
My "Little Wombat" wanted me to share this true tale she experienced tonight.
L.W. went up in the barn to tend to her pet chickens and rooster. While making sure they had plenty of water and food she collected the eggs. To her surprise she found something else up there in that enclosed area.......a KITTEN! She yells out to the chickens "Someone has been cheating on Red (the rooster)!!! LOL.....
L.W. went up in the barn to tend to her pet chickens and rooster. While making sure they had plenty of water and food she collected the eggs. To her surprise she found something else up there in that enclosed area.......a KITTEN! She yells out to the chickens "Someone has been cheating on Red (the rooster)!!!
LOL.....
Lollipop
Banned
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"
Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."
Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."