tenshinaikidoka
Martial Art Student
Um, I am glad ya love me dear Suzi, but this is Tenshinaikidoka my dear, not Aikilove...but please, complement me all ya want
LOL
LOL
All Amazon Customer Reviews (So Far) On Out Of Reach.
- Thread starter Littledragon
- Start date
Clement3000
aka The Phoenix
Warning Possible Troll Alert!
WARNING THESE REVIEWS ARE SOMEWHAT INSULTING TO SEAGAL, READERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED
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August 29, 2004
[font=verdana,arial,helvetica][size=-1]Reviewer: A. A. Cucolo "trezku13" (Savannah, GA) - See all my reviews http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/browse/-/13158871/pop-up[/size][/font]Steven Seagal plays a man who spends his time walking around the forest helping wounded animals and writing to an orphan girl in Poland. She gets kidnapped by human traffickers, but he's ready to rescue her at a moment's notice because he's ex-military, ex-special forces, and ex-swordsman. He's ready to take on the goons consorting with the Turkish government.
That information alone should warn you about this movie.
Now granted, what can you expect? It's Steven Seagal, not Steven Spielburg. But still...this was REALLY bad as far as Seagal movies go, so much that it doesn't really feel like a Seagal movie. I mean most Seagal movies have a corny, cliche plot - but this has no plot to speak of. Seagal goes to Poland and just kind of wonders around looking at things with that same constipated look he has. He could by all accounts end the movie forty minutes end, but instead decides to lumber around Poland some more. The characters in this thing weren't all that great either, like the girl Seagal goes to save isn't as smart as they make her out to be (she does a secret message while the villains are STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER). Add to that a beautiful Polish police officer who is totally incomprehinsible. You remember that episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 with the zombies at the carnival, and the main character had a friend with a weird hispanic accent nobody could understand? It's like that. There is also this weird black character that somehow knows Seagal (this subplot, like 70% of the movie, is never fully explained) who talks normally, but when he and Seagal have a showdown he suddenly gets an Aunt Jemima accent. "Hey Billy Ray! Wes-a havin' a showdown, Billy Ray!"
So that leaves us to the action, right? That's the reason to watch Steven Seagal films. But no, the action fails us too. Usually in a Seagal film you get action every five minutes - he wakes up in the morning, a guy's broken into his house, he beats him up; he walks out to his car there's a gang there, he beats them up; he drives to work, there's an old lady crossing the street, he beats her up - but there are probably only four action scenes in this whole movie. And they're all bad - I mean lets face it, Steven Seagal has seen better days. He looks like a kung-fu Meatloaf now, I'm sad to say. The fight scenes show that he's lost his original touch, and they scream "I am choreographed." The climax of this goofiness is at the end when they rip off every samurai duel ever filmed. Imagine the village duel at the beginning of "Seven Samurai"...except not good. Oh yeah, that last shot of Seagal in the woods was hilarious: he looks like he's going poo. They try to make him tough and all-knowing like they usually do, but it's just stupid. That scene where he heals the policewoman's bullet wound with a kitchen knife made me think, "Couldn't he just...I don't know...call an ambulance?"
By the way, look out for bloopers in this thing. When the girl does the secret message using food she puts a napkin over it...then she turns around its gone...but when we cut back its reappeared. Also, look at the scene where the main villain gets killed: he falls on the floor and in the first shot his head is turned to the right...but when it cuts above him his head is turned to the left. The editing is thing was so incredibly sad.
I really hope this isn't where Steven Seagal is going in his career, because if it is he is slowly circling the drain as we speak.
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Steven Saves The World again!, September 2, 2004
[font=verdana,arial,helvetica][size=-1][/size][/font]Hot on the heels of "On Dangerous Lard", and "Hard to Floss", the secret agents man's man is back to thwart evil doers, beat up nefarious villians and stop on the way to do some eco preaching. Billy Ray Lancing is a former covert agent (I was so surprised to find that out!) turned "Survivalist" who spends his time rescuing animals and getting in touch with nature. He is called to action however, when he suddenly discovers that the foster agency he is using to help a young girl is actually a front for a human trafficking industry. In time honored fashion the girl disappears, and Steven must put down his pruning shears and hemp weed knitting and rescue her. Plenty of rough & tumble, hard stares and stern "If you harm her I'll......." warnings follow as he cuts a swathe through the immoral band of naughty men, and the movie follows the standard formula. Our hero can of course make a high powered weapon from a stick of gum, and an empty beer can, and you immediately know that the army he is fighting have no chance. I know I am quite damning about these recent Seagal straight to video productions, which might make you ask why I keep watching them? Well, to be honest I've always been a fan of the aimless action flick, and Seagal has done some really fine work. Sadly as I hold my breath and wait for a return to movies of the Under Siege calibre, I find myself turning blue watching stuff like this instead. This is probably not as bad as the previous two offerings he has made, and credit to him for still managing to churn this stuff out, (he's hardly a young man anymore), but it is still pretty bad. Another complaint is the eco stuff - I have no problem with his obvious desire to make people more ecologically aware and responsible, but there is a platform for do it on properly, and this isn't it. Like Dangerous Ground, Fire Down Below, and The Patriot before this, the moralising wears a bit thin, and makes you ask him to jump one way or another. Either make a gratuitously violent action flick, OR a Greenpeace documentary, but STOP putting the two together please. All that said, put your brain in neutral, grab the popcorn, and enjoy the fight scenes.
WARNING THESE REVIEWS ARE SOMEWHAT INSULTING TO SEAGAL, READERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
August 29, 2004
[font=verdana,arial,helvetica][size=-1]Reviewer: A. A. Cucolo "trezku13" (Savannah, GA) - See all my reviews http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/browse/-/13158871/pop-up[/size][/font]Steven Seagal plays a man who spends his time walking around the forest helping wounded animals and writing to an orphan girl in Poland. She gets kidnapped by human traffickers, but he's ready to rescue her at a moment's notice because he's ex-military, ex-special forces, and ex-swordsman. He's ready to take on the goons consorting with the Turkish government.
That information alone should warn you about this movie.
Now granted, what can you expect? It's Steven Seagal, not Steven Spielburg. But still...this was REALLY bad as far as Seagal movies go, so much that it doesn't really feel like a Seagal movie. I mean most Seagal movies have a corny, cliche plot - but this has no plot to speak of. Seagal goes to Poland and just kind of wonders around looking at things with that same constipated look he has. He could by all accounts end the movie forty minutes end, but instead decides to lumber around Poland some more. The characters in this thing weren't all that great either, like the girl Seagal goes to save isn't as smart as they make her out to be (she does a secret message while the villains are STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER). Add to that a beautiful Polish police officer who is totally incomprehinsible. You remember that episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 with the zombies at the carnival, and the main character had a friend with a weird hispanic accent nobody could understand? It's like that. There is also this weird black character that somehow knows Seagal (this subplot, like 70% of the movie, is never fully explained) who talks normally, but when he and Seagal have a showdown he suddenly gets an Aunt Jemima accent. "Hey Billy Ray! Wes-a havin' a showdown, Billy Ray!"
So that leaves us to the action, right? That's the reason to watch Steven Seagal films. But no, the action fails us too. Usually in a Seagal film you get action every five minutes - he wakes up in the morning, a guy's broken into his house, he beats him up; he walks out to his car there's a gang there, he beats them up; he drives to work, there's an old lady crossing the street, he beats her up - but there are probably only four action scenes in this whole movie. And they're all bad - I mean lets face it, Steven Seagal has seen better days. He looks like a kung-fu Meatloaf now, I'm sad to say. The fight scenes show that he's lost his original touch, and they scream "I am choreographed." The climax of this goofiness is at the end when they rip off every samurai duel ever filmed. Imagine the village duel at the beginning of "Seven Samurai"...except not good. Oh yeah, that last shot of Seagal in the woods was hilarious: he looks like he's going poo. They try to make him tough and all-knowing like they usually do, but it's just stupid. That scene where he heals the policewoman's bullet wound with a kitchen knife made me think, "Couldn't he just...I don't know...call an ambulance?"
By the way, look out for bloopers in this thing. When the girl does the secret message using food she puts a napkin over it...then she turns around its gone...but when we cut back its reappeared. Also, look at the scene where the main villain gets killed: he falls on the floor and in the first shot his head is turned to the right...but when it cuts above him his head is turned to the left. The editing is thing was so incredibly sad.
I really hope this isn't where Steven Seagal is going in his career, because if it is he is slowly circling the drain as we speak.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steven Saves The World again!, September 2, 2004
[font=verdana,arial,helvetica][size=-1][/size][/font]Hot on the heels of "On Dangerous Lard", and "Hard to Floss", the secret agents man's man is back to thwart evil doers, beat up nefarious villians and stop on the way to do some eco preaching. Billy Ray Lancing is a former covert agent (I was so surprised to find that out!) turned "Survivalist" who spends his time rescuing animals and getting in touch with nature. He is called to action however, when he suddenly discovers that the foster agency he is using to help a young girl is actually a front for a human trafficking industry. In time honored fashion the girl disappears, and Steven must put down his pruning shears and hemp weed knitting and rescue her. Plenty of rough & tumble, hard stares and stern "If you harm her I'll......." warnings follow as he cuts a swathe through the immoral band of naughty men, and the movie follows the standard formula. Our hero can of course make a high powered weapon from a stick of gum, and an empty beer can, and you immediately know that the army he is fighting have no chance. I know I am quite damning about these recent Seagal straight to video productions, which might make you ask why I keep watching them? Well, to be honest I've always been a fan of the aimless action flick, and Seagal has done some really fine work. Sadly as I hold my breath and wait for a return to movies of the Under Siege calibre, I find myself turning blue watching stuff like this instead. This is probably not as bad as the previous two offerings he has made, and credit to him for still managing to churn this stuff out, (he's hardly a young man anymore), but it is still pretty bad. Another complaint is the eco stuff - I have no problem with his obvious desire to make people more ecologically aware and responsible, but there is a platform for do it on properly, and this isn't it. Like Dangerous Ground, Fire Down Below, and The Patriot before this, the moralising wears a bit thin, and makes you ask him to jump one way or another. Either make a gratuitously violent action flick, OR a Greenpeace documentary, but STOP putting the two together please. All that said, put your brain in neutral, grab the popcorn, and enjoy the fight scenes.