See -- maybe there is a future for Steven in politics after all!!
From The Morning Call -- August 12, 2003
Paul Carpenter
State's political boredom should be terminated
Saturday's feature on potential celebrity candidates for Pennsylvania governor was delightful, but it had one flaw. The feature, having fun with Arnold Schwarzenegger's California candidacy, offered 28 celebrities with Pennsylvania roots. Philadelphian Frankie Avalon, for example, might throw beach parties at Lake Erie. Electing Bethlehem's The Rock would spare us the need for ''Scorpion King'' sequels.
Readers were invited to vote for favorites at
www.mcall.com. Balloting will continue until 5 p.m. Thursday. However, I'm calling for write-ins, because those 28 are not analogous to Schwarzenegger, whose roots are in Austria, not California. We need people from outside Pennsylvania if we're to follow his example. Also, our gubernatorial situation is more boring than California's. We need interesting people for various positions — not just governor.
In Easton, it seems some police officers have a yen for clubbing rival football fans, especially if they celebrate a victory over Easton a little too cheerfully. To maintain Easton's traditions, Tonya Harding (born in Portland, Ore.) would make a great mayor.
Martin Sheen (Dayton, Ohio) would be terrific as president of Allentown City Council, and it would give him the clout to find something really neat for his pleasant but hapless son Charlie to do.
There are a couple of key positions that are not yet elected, but they should be. Michael Jackson (Gary, Ind.) would be a shoo-in if he ran for president of the Lehigh Valley Commission to Prevent Unnecessary Cosmetic Surgery (if such a body existed). And as a tribute to former Allentown Human Resources Director Darryl Skrovanek's fondness for hookers, give voters a choice between Eddie Murphy (Brooklyn) and Hugh Grant (London) for that job.
For Northampton County district attorney, I like Rick Moranis (Toronto), the nerd in ''Little Shop of Horrors.'' (Please don't call me to ask why; just find a picture of him on the Internet and compare it to one of the current DA.)
While we're in that county, we realize that our hero, Ron Angle, is sure to move on to bigger and better things soon. So I am hoping that Eminem (Kansas City, Mo.) will consider moving to the Slate Belt to begin his political career. Someone as belligerent and boorish as Eminem could advance from a borough council, to a school board, to county council in no time at all.
Some state legislators from this region think only of themselves and their constituents and make little effort to satisfy the needs of other important people. Monica Lewinsky (San Francisco) would do better. At the statewide level, we need a tough state treasurer in Harrisburg. I bet Mike Tyson (Brooklyn) could take a big bite out of any state deficits, while possibly solving his own problem of $300 million in income that went bye-bye.
When you think about the behavior of Pennsylvania's drug agents over the years, it is clear the state attorney general needs to have a cavalier attitude about the rule of law, particularly those silly requirements in the Bill of Rights. Based on the way he handles things in movies, Steven Seagal (Lansing, Mich.) would be perfect for the job.
Pennsylvania is one of the few states that still let party bosses decide who will become judges. Lacking merit selection, we need a celebrity who will add dignity and decorum to our smarmy state Supreme Court. I favor Anna Nicole Smith (Mexia, Texas).
Finally, a celebrity selection for Pennsylvania governor: I have always felt we needed a governor who could lead us in singing the national anthem, so I nominate Roseanne Barr (Salt Lake City). That's enough political commentary for today, but don't worry — I'll be back.
