ZenLateralus said:
Relaxing is difficult. I'm afraid if I work on other areas of my life good people will pass me by. Heck, I really don't want to be single for a couple years or more. I already have a car that I think is nice and cooking isn't a problem for me. Maybe I do only think i'm half the person and have issues to deal with?
It sounds to me very much like you do have issues, and I think, in the long run, they will be detrimental to a long-term relationship with any woman. I think you need to sit down with yourself - or with a counsellor - and really take a close look at what makes you tick.
Already, from the few things you've mentioned, I'm getting a sense of what may be some of your issues. I'm not a psychologist, or a therapist; I just read character very well. I haven't got a lot to go on, because I quite understand your reticence for going into detail in a public forum, but there are a few things I've seen already.
What strikes me most is the way you talk about having a girlfriend, as if she were a necessary accessory to make your life complete. You'll never find anyone to fill that void, or if you do, the relationship will end up being so dysfunctional, it will be satisfying for no one. You need to be a complete, whole person yourself before you can even consider taking on a partner for (hopefully) life.
A strong relationship is one where the partners are equal. I'm getting the sense from you that the relationship is going to be lopsided; you'll be fulfilled because you have a girlfriend; but what does the girlfriend get out of it, except someone who is (again, this is on slim evidence, I'm inferring from what you've said so far) terribly, terribly insecure. Having someone around who is insecure can be very wearing, and will, inevitably, wear the relationship out.
You said, "I'm afraid if I work on other areas of my life good people will pass me by." This kind of outlook is a barrier to forming good relationships with anybody, because your desperation will be palpably communicated to those so-called "good people" and they will avoid you, or worse, ignore you.
I don't recall if you shared the details of the break-up with your girlfriend, but that might be a place to start. Ask yourself, what kind of a relationship was it? What did I put into it? What did I get out of it? How did my girlfriend feel when she was with me? How much did I rely on her to make me feel good about myself? What did I do to make her feel good about herself? Was my participation in the relationship all take and no give? Did I have expectations of her, and did she fail to meet them? You have to answer those questions honestly, or the exercise just won't work.
ZenL, I understand about feeling awkward in social situations. I have a hard time talking to people, myself. I've been painfully shy since I was a child, and when I get in roomful of people I don't know, I'm just this side of terrified and tend to clam up. How do I manage? I just go ahead and do the thing that scares me the most. In the beginning, it was really, really hard. Now? It's not as difficult. I can strike up conversations with strangers on the subway, on the street, at gatherings. I may not be the most attractive woman, but I have a nice smile and people respond to that. I also happen to like dogs (and dogs like me!) and I've struck up many a conversation with numerous dog-owners.
(Tip for meeting girls: get yourself the cutest little dog. Guaranteed you'll have girls stopping to chat over the dog. And if you work on yourself and get your insecurities sorted out, work on your character, and make yourself a strong, independent, confident man, they'll get the vibe and want to sit and have a coffee with you.)
I don't know what else to tell you; I do think you need to stop and define yourself as a person, who you are, as an individual. The right relationship will come along at the right time, but only after you are a fulfilled individual, and not that you need a relationship in order to be fulfilled.