From the Movie Poop Shoot
ALL ACTION HEROES GO TO HEAVEN
By Joshua Jabcuga
April 4, 2003
Steven Seagal is dead. No, not literally, but in that straight-to-video sense of the word. When it comes to former action heroes of the silver screen, straight-to-video is synonymous with death. Think of it as Hollywood hara-kiri, or like that non existent farm that your parents took your childhood dog to when he started to go senile and nipped at your little sister one night, never to be seen from again.
For straight-to-video releases the bottom shelves of Blockbuster Video can be a lot like that imaginary rural haven for retired pooches, collecting dust somewhere between THE CROW 3: SALVATION, and, how apropos, DOG SOLDIERS, waiting in limbo to be rescued by some kind soul.
Steven Seagal is an old dawg, to be sure, but by no means is he a mutt (no matter what former co-star Sharon Stone says about him), and he certainly deserves more than to be put down without a fight, or at the least, a proper farewell. The pony-tailed, Akido practicing star blazed his way onto cineplex movie screens, and yes, even into our hearts, with martial arts cinema masterpieces like ABOVE THE LAW (1988) and HARD TO KILL (1990). He followed it up with the above average UNDER SIEGE (one of the better DIE HARD clones of the day). Suddenly, Big Stevie developed this holier than thou Captain Planet attitude. He was no longer kicking ass and taking names. Now, in movies like 1994s ON DEADLY GROUND and 1996s THE GLIMMER MAN, he was spouting off Jedi-like Zen riddles.
Seagal’s fight choreography has come into question, too. Sure, we all knew Seagal was getting beefy like a Buddha, but according to costar Tom Arnold on a recent episode of LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O’BRIAN, the former Mason Storm doesn’t even do his own fighting scenes anymore, but instead incorporates a stand-in and some Tinseltown editing trickery.
Look, I’m not some VANITY FAIR hack trying to make Seagal tap-out (I’m a hack for the prestigious Poop Shoot), but I am a die-hard Seagal fan, and I know good flicks, like any respectable chop sockey fanboy. I know what I like in my TBS Superstation Movies for Guys Who Like Movies, and I know what I want in my Seagal films. So without further ado, here is my list of suggestions for Mr. Seagal:
*The most obvious: Lose the poundage. Steve, you’re making Bill Clinton look like Bruce Lee. Purchase one of Tony Little’s Gazelles, try the ab-doer, the Hollywood 48-hour diet, whatever, just lose the tonnage, Rosie.
*Lose the wires. CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON was great, but you’re not a magical warrior who can float on tree tops. Save the Peter Pan acrobatics for Jet Li, for Buddha’s sake.
*Please, no more rappers in your movies.
*Last but not least…bring back Kelly LeBrock.
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Did we read this !! If we, I will clean !!
ALL ACTION HEROES GO TO HEAVEN
By Joshua Jabcuga
April 4, 2003
Steven Seagal is dead. No, not literally, but in that straight-to-video sense of the word. When it comes to former action heroes of the silver screen, straight-to-video is synonymous with death. Think of it as Hollywood hara-kiri, or like that non existent farm that your parents took your childhood dog to when he started to go senile and nipped at your little sister one night, never to be seen from again.
For straight-to-video releases the bottom shelves of Blockbuster Video can be a lot like that imaginary rural haven for retired pooches, collecting dust somewhere between THE CROW 3: SALVATION, and, how apropos, DOG SOLDIERS, waiting in limbo to be rescued by some kind soul.
Steven Seagal is an old dawg, to be sure, but by no means is he a mutt (no matter what former co-star Sharon Stone says about him), and he certainly deserves more than to be put down without a fight, or at the least, a proper farewell. The pony-tailed, Akido practicing star blazed his way onto cineplex movie screens, and yes, even into our hearts, with martial arts cinema masterpieces like ABOVE THE LAW (1988) and HARD TO KILL (1990). He followed it up with the above average UNDER SIEGE (one of the better DIE HARD clones of the day). Suddenly, Big Stevie developed this holier than thou Captain Planet attitude. He was no longer kicking ass and taking names. Now, in movies like 1994s ON DEADLY GROUND and 1996s THE GLIMMER MAN, he was spouting off Jedi-like Zen riddles.
Seagal’s fight choreography has come into question, too. Sure, we all knew Seagal was getting beefy like a Buddha, but according to costar Tom Arnold on a recent episode of LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O’BRIAN, the former Mason Storm doesn’t even do his own fighting scenes anymore, but instead incorporates a stand-in and some Tinseltown editing trickery.
Look, I’m not some VANITY FAIR hack trying to make Seagal tap-out (I’m a hack for the prestigious Poop Shoot), but I am a die-hard Seagal fan, and I know good flicks, like any respectable chop sockey fanboy. I know what I like in my TBS Superstation Movies for Guys Who Like Movies, and I know what I want in my Seagal films. So without further ado, here is my list of suggestions for Mr. Seagal:
*The most obvious: Lose the poundage. Steve, you’re making Bill Clinton look like Bruce Lee. Purchase one of Tony Little’s Gazelles, try the ab-doer, the Hollywood 48-hour diet, whatever, just lose the tonnage, Rosie.
*Lose the wires. CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON was great, but you’re not a magical warrior who can float on tree tops. Save the Peter Pan acrobatics for Jet Li, for Buddha’s sake.
*Please, no more rappers in your movies.
*Last but not least…bring back Kelly LeBrock.
************************************************
Did we read this !! If we, I will clean !!