Cathleen Jones
New Member
Try to visualize...
Clean jokes for a dirty world
- Thread starter Anneliese
- Start date
Josiah Aidan
New Member
Very nicely said and also that’s true.
BarbaraAnn101
Well-Known Member
Man boards plane with 6 kids.
Attendant asks "are those children all yours?"
No, I work for Trojan, they're customer complaints.
Attendant asks "are those children all yours?"
No, I work for Trojan, they're customer complaints.
BarbaraAnn101
Well-Known Member
Got this in my e-mail today, wanted to share it with all my peeps on here
Dear Lord, I know you're watching over me And I'm feeling truly blessed
For no matter what I pray for You always know what's best!
I have this circle of E-mail friends, Who mean the world to me; Some days I 'send' and 'send,' At other times, I let them be
. I am so blessed to have these friends, With whom I've grown so close; So this little poem I dedicate to them, Because to me they are the 'Most'!
When I see each name download, And view the message they've sent; I know they've thought of me that day, And 'well wishes' were their intent.
So to you, my friends, I would like to say, Thank you for being a part; Of all my daily contacts, This comes right from my heart.. God bless you is my prayer today, I'm honoured to call you 'friend'; I pray the Lord will keep you safe, Until we write again. ...WE CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE OUR MARBLES... FOR LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!!
Dear Lord, I know you're watching over me And I'm feeling truly blessed
For no matter what I pray for You always know what's best!
I have this circle of E-mail friends, Who mean the world to me; Some days I 'send' and 'send,' At other times, I let them be
. I am so blessed to have these friends, With whom I've grown so close; So this little poem I dedicate to them, Because to me they are the 'Most'!
When I see each name download, And view the message they've sent; I know they've thought of me that day, And 'well wishes' were their intent.
So to you, my friends, I would like to say, Thank you for being a part; Of all my daily contacts, This comes right from my heart.. God bless you is my prayer today, I'm honoured to call you 'friend'; I pray the Lord will keep you safe, Until we write again. ...WE CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE OUR MARBLES... FOR LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!!
BarbaraAnn101
Well-Known Member
~~~~~~▄▌ █▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▌
~~~▄▄██▌█ ░░░░ The Bitch Slap TRUCK IS COMING░ ▐
▄▄▄▌▐██▌█ ░░I know a few people who need a ride░░▐
███████▌█▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▌
▀(@)▀▀▀▀▀▀▀(@)(@)▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀(@)(@)
~~~▄▄██▌█ ░░░░ The Bitch Slap TRUCK IS COMING░ ▐
▄▄▄▌▐██▌█ ░░I know a few people who need a ride░░▐
███████▌█▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▌
▀(@)▀▀▀▀▀▀▀(@)(@)▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀(@)(@)
ORANGATUANG
Wildfire
my little 9 year old niece rang me tonight after she saw an funniest home videos show and told me an knock knock joke..
knock knock
who's there?
canoe
canoe who?
canoe help me iam up the creek with out an paddle..
knock knock
who's there?
canoe
canoe who?
canoe help me iam up the creek with out an paddle..
BarbaraAnn101
Well-Known Member
My US peeps will ESPECIALLY love this:
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not ....... a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington !
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not ....... a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington !
BarbaraAnn101
Well-Known Member
HAD to share this pic from my sister...she posted this on FaceBook....
I think we ALL feel this way about our significant others...depending on the day...lol
I think we ALL feel this way about our significant others...depending on the day...lol
ORANGATUANG
Wildfire
Oh hell yeah... i may not have an significant other BUT can brothers count ..they do push my buttons and just feel like clobbering them some times.. 
BarbaraAnn101
Well-Known Member
Ok my peeps...this REALLY works, if you put your name in, it comes up in the video....LOL
http://www.obtampons.com/apology
http://www.obtampons.com/apology
Irishgirl
Active Member
Irish Joke of the Day
An air freight to Australia
An air freight flight flying across the Pacific to Australia was also carrying five passengers; an American, A Frenchman, a German, an Englishman, and an Irishman. They'd almost reached their destination near Australia, when one of the plane's four engines caught on fire.
"Don't worry!" said the pilot, as he activated the fire extinguishers and feathered the prop, "this plane was designed to fly on just two engines. We'll be fine!"
A little while later, an engine on the other wing coughed and sputtered and stopped. The plane appeared to be slowly losing altitude when the pilot came on the intercom and said: "don't worry men, this plane can still fly on two engines, but we're going to have to lighten the load."
The copilot came back into the cabin and opened a rear door. He then directed the five men in helping to jettison the crates that the plane was carrying. Once all the crates were out, he secured the door and went back to the forward cabin. The plane still appeared to be losing altitude.
The pilot came back on the intercom and said, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but the plane's still too heavy and I'm going to have to ask some of you to jump out. There are parachutes in a storage cabinet. We are still over the sea, but I will radio ahead and try to have someone send a rescue boat out to get you."
The copilot came back to the main cabin, dug out the parachutes from a storage cabinet, stacked them up next to the side door and opened it.
The American jumped up, grabbed a parachute, strapped it on, walked to the door, turned to the others and shouted "God Bless America!!!" and jumped out.
The copilot called the pilot on the intercom, but the pilot said the plane was still too heavy. The copilot looked at the other four men and told them what the pilot said and raised his eyebrows.
The Frenchman stood up, picked up a parachute and strapped it on, walked to the door, turned to the others and said, "Vive La France," and jumped out.
The copilot checked again and the pilot said the plane was still too heavy. He turned around and looked at the remaining three men. "I'm sorry guys, but someone else is going to have to jump!"
The German sighed and stood up next, strapped on a parachute, strode to the door and yelled "Deutschland Uber Alles," and without looking back, jumped out.
The copilot checked with the pilot again only to hear him say they were still too heavy. The copilot looked from the Englishman to the Irishman and said, "Gentlemen, someone else has to go. You have a decision
to make. I think one more just might do it!"
The Irishman jumped up and said, "Not a problem!" He grabbed the Englishman by the collar, dragged him to the door and threw him out the door without a parachute, and shouted, "Up the Republic!!!"
An air freight to Australia
An air freight flight flying across the Pacific to Australia was also carrying five passengers; an American, A Frenchman, a German, an Englishman, and an Irishman. They'd almost reached their destination near Australia, when one of the plane's four engines caught on fire.
"Don't worry!" said the pilot, as he activated the fire extinguishers and feathered the prop, "this plane was designed to fly on just two engines. We'll be fine!"
A little while later, an engine on the other wing coughed and sputtered and stopped. The plane appeared to be slowly losing altitude when the pilot came on the intercom and said: "don't worry men, this plane can still fly on two engines, but we're going to have to lighten the load."
The copilot came back into the cabin and opened a rear door. He then directed the five men in helping to jettison the crates that the plane was carrying. Once all the crates were out, he secured the door and went back to the forward cabin. The plane still appeared to be losing altitude.
The pilot came back on the intercom and said, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but the plane's still too heavy and I'm going to have to ask some of you to jump out. There are parachutes in a storage cabinet. We are still over the sea, but I will radio ahead and try to have someone send a rescue boat out to get you."
The copilot came back to the main cabin, dug out the parachutes from a storage cabinet, stacked them up next to the side door and opened it.
The American jumped up, grabbed a parachute, strapped it on, walked to the door, turned to the others and shouted "God Bless America!!!" and jumped out.
The copilot called the pilot on the intercom, but the pilot said the plane was still too heavy. The copilot looked at the other four men and told them what the pilot said and raised his eyebrows.
The Frenchman stood up, picked up a parachute and strapped it on, walked to the door, turned to the others and said, "Vive La France," and jumped out.
The copilot checked again and the pilot said the plane was still too heavy. He turned around and looked at the remaining three men. "I'm sorry guys, but someone else is going to have to jump!"
The German sighed and stood up next, strapped on a parachute, strode to the door and yelled "Deutschland Uber Alles," and without looking back, jumped out.
The copilot checked with the pilot again only to hear him say they were still too heavy. The copilot looked from the Englishman to the Irishman and said, "Gentlemen, someone else has to go. You have a decision
to make. I think one more just might do it!"
The Irishman jumped up and said, "Not a problem!" He grabbed the Englishman by the collar, dragged him to the door and threw him out the door without a parachute, and shouted, "Up the Republic!!!"
ORANGATUANG
Wildfire
Just had to put these jokes that you find inside xmas crackers there funny..
What happens if you cross an Turkey with an Octopuss?
Every one gets an leg at christmas
Why do cows lie down when it rains?
To keep each 'udder' dry.
What do you call two robbers?
A pair of 'knickers'
What do you call an train loaded with toffee?
An chew chew train
What happens if you cross an Turkey with an Octopuss?
Every one gets an leg at christmas
Why do cows lie down when it rains?
To keep each 'udder' dry.
What do you call two robbers?
A pair of 'knickers'
What do you call an train loaded with toffee?
An chew chew train
BarbaraAnn101
Well-Known Member
The Robot
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
The son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"
"What dvd?"
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What!? When I was your age I didn't know
what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs
"HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps the mom.
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
The son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"
"What dvd?"
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What!? When I was your age I didn't know
what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs
"HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps the mom.
BarbaraAnn101
Well-Known Member
My sister, who used to live in Japan, posted this on my FB, lol
BarbaraAnn101
Well-Known Member
Steven Seagal's actual Panda:
BarbaraAnn101
Well-Known Member
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
