giving up one´s own personality for harmony?

[joyful]

since i always thought of myself as a person who values harmony above a lot of other things a question came to my mind:

is it ok to give up huge parts of your own personality to keep up harmony?
when does it get unhealthy to just swallow everything?

for example:
when i get into an argument i usually don´t bother if someone gets insulting or is doing me wrong... i just walk off to let those people calm down and then i walk up to them and talk about it as soon as i think that a rational conversation is possible...

but what do i do if there´s no sign of that? that everything i say -no matter when or what- is understood as an attack?

is there anything i can do to calm down myself, so i can get by until it´s over? (and it will be in about 4 weeks)

i tried my poor efforts of meditation and that usually helps, but somehow it doesn´t work this time...
are there any techniques to use in such a situation?

i will appreciate any suggestions...

thank you

(hope it was ok to post it in this section... )

 

[Amos Stevens]

Hi Joyful;

I don't know if this will be of any help to you or not...most of my life I spent trying to fit into who everyone else wanted to be-not being myself. Then I met my future wife who accepted me for who I am & didn't expect any changes. You can't please everyone,so why try.If you can't be accepted for who you are then that is someone elses problem not yours.

My wife has tried to teach me that if there is something bothering me to mentally reach in & pull it out & throw it as hard as I can against the wall or floor & just think about something else. Then the next time I start on that problem I can approach it with a new attitude & hopefully new approach.

 

[TDWoj]

One thing that I learned is that you can't change another person's behaviour; you can only change your own. And yet, amazingly, when you change your own, the other person's behaviour also changes!

It's a question of expectations. If you expect a person to behave in a certain way, and they don't, and you get angry about it, it's not their problem - it's yours, for having the expectation. After all, THEY don't know that they have to live up to YOUR expectations - they are who they are.

I call it "putting a should" on someone. As soon as someone says, "you should...." that's an expectation they're putting on you. Similarly, you can do that to yourself - "I should..." and when you don't live up to your own expectations, problems result, like depression, for example.

The other end of the spectrum is someone who is always agreeable, who, preferring harmony, will set aside their own wants and needs to avoid arguments, to keep other people happy. Do it long enough, however, and again, problems like ulcers, depression, repressed anger that might explode at any moment, will occur.

If someone continues to see your interaction with them as an attack, think about what you are saying. Do you start your sentences with "you"? "You are getting angry." "You shouldn't be like that.". Any time you start a sentence with the word "you" it can be construed as an attack.

Try, instead, to own the conversation yourself. "I am sorry that you are so upset I understand if you don't want to talk about this right now. I'd still like to resolve this matter, but maybe another time would be better." You are acknowledging the other person's feelings without giving up any of your own.

Giving up your own feelings in favour of ensuring the harmony of others will, in the long run, be detrimental to your own health, both mental and physical.

 

[joyful]

thank you Amos and TD !!!
TD:
"The other end of the spectrum is someone who is always agreeable, who, preferring harmony, will set aside their own wants and needs to avoid arguments, to keep other people happy. Do it long enough, however, and again, problems like ulcers, depression, repressed anger that might explode at any moment, will occur. "

well, i think that describes me pretty well...
i have changed a lot since i started practising reiki and meditation everyday...
when i talk to people i usually start like: is it ok for you to talk? i would like to know what i did to upset you and how we can sort that out.
and usually we talk it over and it´s done...
but this time i don´t know what happened and she won´t tell me...
i start every morning with a cheery "good morning.. did you sleep well..." and so on....
i try everyday....
maybe i just have to keep trying and hang on...
it´s just going to be another four weeks...

 

[Hallarian]

I like all of the above ideas.

I never surrender who I am, but it doesn't matter to me who others think I am except I want them to see me as being helpful, never hurting. I work with people of many cultures and religions. I duck out when I'm lectured I SHOULD or must believe this o that as the ONLY path.

I teach health and modify my words to the etnicity and faith of the person. I learn all the time from others. New medicines from healers of other cultures, stuff they used 1000's of years. Of course This has to be done with care. A Curandera in South America showed me a tea she makes to heal. People turned bright red, pupils dilated, theyn were happy, but seemed confused. Serena will recognize this as Atropine poisoning from Deadly Nightshade.. I helped the lady develop a less dangerous healing tea.

Love what I do but there are those who find me awful and I guess would like to rid the world of me.

 

[joyful]

hallarian:
i think it´s a great thing to help others... i know it´s sometimes not appreciated if someone says his or her opinion... but i also think that it´s very neccessary...
being a chameleon usually helps a lot...

well... i could finally find out what the problem was and i think i know what to do now...
it was all about jealousy and since i had no idea (because there´s absolutely no reason for it)there was no way to react in the right way.the only way to adjust now is to make myself as invisible as possible.
but since i understand it now it´s much easier for me to ignore the behaviour.
all:
thanks again for your help...