To meet new people (girls)

[ZenLateralus]

But the main thing is to relax and work on other areas of your life, such as getting an education, getting a job that pays well enough so you can get a nice car (girls like nice cars), learning to cook (very important!), and becoming a person who is strong enough to be on his own, but soft enough to be easy to get along with. If you think you're only half a person without a girlfriend, then you have issues that you need to resolve before you get into another relationship.

Relaxing is difficult. I'm afraid if I work on other areas of my life good people will pass me by. Heck, I really don't want to be single for a couple years or more. I already have a car that I think is nice and cooking isn't a problem for me. Maybe I do only think i'm half the person and have issues to deal with?

 

[ZenLateralus]

Secondly, DON'T START SMOKING AGAIN. It's bad for your health, bad for your teeth and breath, and what happens if you meet the girl of your dreams and she gives you thumbs down because you smoke?

I find some flaws in the philosophies I hear/read. For example, if there is a soulmate for me that I will get in time than does it not matter whether or not I start smoking or whatever? Also, to believe that I will find someone when I am not searching in time is hardly believable. You're telling me that I must wait some unknown time period (could be 20 years from now?) to find someone? I find it quite sickening that God/fate has things organized in such a way that I have to suck in my gut and rough it for an unknown period of time. It doesn't really matter how much I like myself or how good my job or education are because I will never like being single. I really don't like walking through life without having someone special to share life with.

 

[TDWoj]

Relaxing is difficult. I'm afraid if I work on other areas of my life good people will pass me by. Heck, I really don't want to be single for a couple years or more. I already have a car that I think is nice and cooking isn't a problem for me. Maybe I do only think i'm half the person and have issues to deal with?

It sounds to me very much like you do have issues, and I think, in the long run, they will be detrimental to a long-term relationship with any woman. I think you need to sit down with yourself - or with a counsellor - and really take a close look at what makes you tick.

Already, from the few things you've mentioned, I'm getting a sense of what may be some of your issues. I'm not a psychologist, or a therapist; I just read character very well. I haven't got a lot to go on, because I quite understand your reticence for going into detail in a public forum, but there are a few things I've seen already.

What strikes me most is the way you talk about having a girlfriend, as if she were a necessary accessory to make your life complete. You'll never find anyone to fill that void, or if you do, the relationship will end up being so dysfunctional, it will be satisfying for no one. You need to be a complete, whole person yourself before you can even consider taking on a partner for (hopefully) life.

A strong relationship is one where the partners are equal. I'm getting the sense from you that the relationship is going to be lopsided; you'll be fulfilled because you have a girlfriend; but what does the girlfriend get out of it, except someone who is (again, this is on slim evidence, I'm inferring from what you've said so far) terribly, terribly insecure. Having someone around who is insecure can be very wearing, and will, inevitably, wear the relationship out.

You said, "I'm afraid if I work on other areas of my life good people will pass me by." This kind of outlook is a barrier to forming good relationships with anybody, because your desperation will be palpably communicated to those so-called "good people" and they will avoid you, or worse, ignore you.

I don't recall if you shared the details of the break-up with your girlfriend, but that might be a place to start. Ask yourself, what kind of a relationship was it? What did I put into it? What did I get out of it? How did my girlfriend feel when she was with me? How much did I rely on her to make me feel good about myself? What did I do to make her feel good about herself? Was my participation in the relationship all take and no give? Did I have expectations of her, and did she fail to meet them? You have to answer those questions honestly, or the exercise just won't work.

ZenL, I understand about feeling awkward in social situations. I have a hard time talking to people, myself. I've been painfully shy since I was a child, and when I get in roomful of people I don't know, I'm just this side of terrified and tend to clam up. How do I manage? I just go ahead and do the thing that scares me the most. In the beginning, it was really, really hard. Now? It's not as difficult. I can strike up conversations with strangers on the subway, on the street, at gatherings. I may not be the most attractive woman, but I have a nice smile and people respond to that. I also happen to like dogs (and dogs like me!) and I've struck up many a conversation with numerous dog-owners.

(Tip for meeting girls: get yourself the cutest little dog. Guaranteed you'll have girls stopping to chat over the dog. And if you work on yourself and get your insecurities sorted out, work on your character, and make yourself a strong, independent, confident man, they'll get the vibe and want to sit and have a coffee with you.)

I don't know what else to tell you; I do think you need to stop and define yourself as a person, who you are, as an individual. The right relationship will come along at the right time, but only after you are a fulfilled individual, and not that you need a relationship in order to be fulfilled.

 

[TDWoj]

I find some flaws in the philosophies I hear/read. For example, if there is a soulmate for me that I will get in time than does it not matter whether or not I start smoking or whatever? Also, to believe that I will find someone when I am not searching in time is hardly believable. You're telling me that I must wait some unknown time period (could be 20 years from now?) to find someone? I find it quite sickening that God/fate has things organized in such a way that I have to suck in my gut and rough it for an unknown period of time. It doesn't really matter how much I like myself or how good my job or education are because I will never like being single. I really don't like walking through life without having someone special to share life with.

"Also, to believe that I will find someone when I am not searching in time is hardly believable."

But ZenL, that's exactly what happens to people all the time. It's when they are NOT looking for a relationship that they find one. It might take 20 years, it's true; but it might take just 20 days, or 20 weeks or 20 months. It takes as long as it takes. In the meantime, you work on -you-. You get over your fear of being alone - by learning to enjoy your own company.

Again, I'm getting a vibe from you that this desperation you're feeling is probably what's working against you. I'm also getting a sense that you feel that you're entitled to have someone share your life with you. That's all very well and good; but I'm already feeling sorry for the girl who does hook up with you. This desperation you're feeling, and I'm telling you this from a girl's point of view (admittedly, an old girl, but still a girl), is not very attractive. I meet a guy who gives off the vibes you are giving, and I'm running miles in the opposite direction.

You need to lose this desperate need to have a girlfriend, or you're going to find it difficult to get a girlfriend, and keep her.

I had a boyfriend for exactly three days, and now that I think of it, he was exactly like you. He wanted a girlfriend because he didn't like being single. I dumped him because I felt like I was suffocating from having to take care of his needs. (Gosh, I haven't thought about this guy for years.) He was crushed that I dumped him; but there was no way I could survive in that relationship because it was all about him.

I'm getting the same feeling from you. And if I'm feeling that way, just from exchanging some posts with you, imagine the kind of vibe you're giving to girls you meet face to face.

First, lose the idea that you're entitled to a relationship. Second, get rid of the calendar, the clock, whatever your internal timepiece is that says, 'I have to have a girlfriend by such and such a date or my life isn't worth living.' Relationships don't happen on a schedule. They happen when they happen - and they happen when you least expect it.

 

[ZenLateralus]

What strikes me most is the way you talk about having a girlfriend, as if she were a necessary accessory to make your life complete. You'll never find anyone to fill that void, or if you do, the relationship will end up being so dysfunctional, it will be satisfying for no one. You need to be a complete, whole person yourself before you can even consider taking on a partner for (hopefully) life.

A strong relationship is one where the partners are equal. I'm getting the sense from you that the relationship is going to be lopsided; you'll be fulfilled because you have a girlfriend; but what does the girlfriend get out of it, except someone who is (again, this is on slim evidence, I'm inferring from what you've said so far) terribly, terribly insecure. Having someone around who is insecure can be very wearing, and will, inevitably, wear the relationship out.

Wow, scarry thing is that I think that the relationship that just ended may have been lopsided. That could have been one of the dozen things that helped make her just quit. Not that she is right because if you love someone than, I believe, that you should work things out. After we bought a house and had wedding plans she just through it all away when I was willing to do everything including councelling to try and fix the situation. When I read the above I just got very sad because to some extent it may be true. Though, I'm not saying that this is all my fault. When I do meet someone this lopsidedness starts to fade.

Ask yourself, what kind of a relationship was it? What did I put into it? What did I get out of it? How did my girlfriend feel when she was with me? How much did I rely on her to make me feel good about myself? What did I do to make her feel good about herself? Was my participation in the relationship all take and no give? Did I have expectations of her, and did she fail to meet them? You have to answer those questions honestly, or the exercise just won't work.

Asking myself questions like this are really gonna make me depressed and feel guilt over losing my last girlfriend. I don't really think it is my fault that this happened. Hell, she found some other guy at work, became friends, and decided to leave me for him. I think she needs to take more than 50% of the blame.

But ZenL, that's exactly what happens to people all the time. It's when they are NOT looking for a relationship that they find one. It might take 20 years, it's true; but it might take just 20 days, or 20 weeks or 20 months. It takes as long as it takes. In the meantime, you work on -you-. You get over your fear of being alone - by learning to enjoy your own company.

I know the above is true. It just scares me. Also, I may be a bit exaggerating with many things since a relationship that I've been in for 2 years (2 years straight but if you include the other periods of time we dated (we had 2 breakups before) than it's more like 5 years) where I was about to be married just ended a month ago. The whole idea of just enjoying my company scares me to death. I really enjoy being around other people. Right now I basically have no friends (outside of work, school, internet) to spend time with. I know having a friend doesn't take care of my desire but at least I can be taken away from boredom.

I'm getting the same feeling from you. And if I'm feeling that way, just from exchanging some posts with you, imagine the kind of vibe you're giving to girls you meet face to face.

Like I mentioned earlier, yeah, there may be desperation but I think it's coming across exaggerated.

I really appreciate your responses and the conversation you're sharing with me. You are definately intelligent. Some of the things you said proded me in a way that shook me (does that over dose of adjectives even make sense?) and really brought me to a state of mind where I will respect and listen to just about everything you say under a new light.

 

[Jules]

Zenlateralus, what I have learned is patience is a very hard thing...but very much worth the wait. I will be the first to admit that I am not a very patient person. I work on that one every day.

I remember when I was ...uh...younger...feeling the way you do now. Wondering if there was someone for me. Believe me I LOOKED. I grew up in the same church from the time I was two years old. When I least expected it, my future husband walked into that church for the first time. We did not date right away. We initially met in January. After accidently scaring him off at first, we talked.....and talked.....and became friends. We did not actually start dating until the month of September. A million things were running through my mind during that time....what does he really think of me? Is he interested? Does he think I am pretty? Why doesn't he ask me out?

Well....he had gotten burned. He took it slow by chosing to get to know me first. To feel it was safe first. When the pastors son could tell he was ready but needed a shove....he asked us over to the parsonage...and before I knew it we were on a walk ALONE to the park. No friends around....and that was the beginning. Yeah he did show some interest first by climbing over the pews, but it took him forever to get off the fence, so to speak.

well....no one is going to have a magic potion to make the perfect girl come along. Each person could tell you a totally different story of how they met their spouse. I know one day you will have a story to tell too. It might seem unbelievable right now....but you WILL.

There is an accuaintance of mine that talked just like you. She felt she would NEVER be able to find mister right. She was in her early twenties, VERY attractive girl, sweet and kind . I remember looking at her and thinking "Why are you so worried?" I told her to be patient. Yeah I know....that word again. Guess what? This very attractive young woman met her husband...if I am not mistaken, less than a year later. Maybe only a month or two, I can't remember. She has been married for about 7 years now and has three beautiful children.

Patience: a very hard thing to do....but, oh worth the wait. Oh yeah....what some of the other members said....some women are turned off to smoking and or drinking. Don't get addicted to the stuff. Keep those lungs pink man!! The first man who asked me to marry him was a heavy smoker and an alcoholic. BEEP! Next... I was one of those type of women that prefered men who didn't smoke or drink...but that is just me. Every women is different.

You seem like a sweetheart. Don't get discouraged.

 

[ZenLateralus]

Well, last time she dumped me I was single for almost 2 years before I got a letter in the mail from her begging me to come back. So, I guess I'll be single again for at least 2 years...