Just came across this and thought it was rather amusing, but maybe that's just because I wasn't crazy about the movie.
Out For a Kill
by sable
Steven Seagal. I watch all of his movies. There is usually very little to be found redeeming in them, but I watch them anyway. I watch them to see him bend dummy arms in unnatural directions and hear crunching sounds. I watch them to see how fat he gets and is still the hero. I watch his hair line recede and then see terrible hairpieces try to cover it. I guess I'm playing the shame game here. I still like Steven Seagal.
I watched "Out for a Kill" tonight, and I must admit, it was the most awesome movie ever. Wait, let me add an adverb... It is the most terribly awesome movie ever. The writing credits list Dennis Dimster, Danny Lerner (I), and Steven Seagal. I think that Dennis and Danny are actually 6th graders who were watching a Seagal marathon, decided to write their own script, and actually sent it to the man himself. Now Mr Seagal isn't really doing all that well lately. His first few movies, he didn't even try to get any "Stars". Those ones were great. Then he got popular, and got stuck in movies with Kurt Russell, Keenen Ivory Wayans, DMX, and Ja Rule. Something is very wrong in this universe.
When I spotted Out for a Kill, I thought I had missed something. I don't watch TV very much so I miss all the good commercials. If I still had Comedy Central or Cartoon Network there might even be a reason to change channels, but I digress.
First 5 minutes of the movie.... no Steven Seagal. DEA agents White Guy and Asian Chick (never heard their names so why bother trying to remember?) walk into and crime scene. Some strip/night club called Pink. As they're wandering around through the carnage and pissing off the forensics team, Agent Asian Chick comments, "They killed everyone." Notice I didn't use an exclamation mark, that's because the only person who ever shows any emotion is the major bad guy who gets pissed every time Steven Seagal doesn't die. Back to the crime scene. After the two agents leave, you get a flashback to what happened, in which I saw the same person die in the same place 3 minutes apart. It's certainly possible they didn't die the first time they were shot, so they stood up and got shot in the head again. Oh, by the way, this was supposed to be in Bulgaria and the people shooting up the place were Chinese Tong members.
7 minutes into the movie and after the credits... "Hi, I'm Steven Seagal. I'm an archealogist, but don't let that fool you, I can still kick ass".. Here's the extent of the archeaological things he did: He wins an award, then he goes to China, brushes dirt off of one Jade statue, and puts it in a box. ****, I want to be an Archaeologist now. Anyway, Chinese Tong members break the seal of the box, stuff 'narcotics' which looked alot like cinnamon into the statue, which discovers and decides it's time for a jeep race with his disposable assistant. Race race race... Chase chase chase... and my favorite line from the entire movie "He's making a run for the border!" Didn't know they had Taco Bell in China. Queue the first of many bad special effects. Bullet time, but it's the entire bullet, casing and all. Apparently someone can throw bullets really hard because they killed his assistant in the passenger seat with one. yes, one. The drivers side had about 8-10 bullets pumped into it, but since he steven seagal, he has a Kevlar seat cover. Blah blah blah, he makes it to the border and is charged with murder and narcotics trafficing, which is where the DEA Agents come in.
I'm not going to tell you eveything that goes on but I will share some things to look for. Airplane scene, SS is trying to get information out of a pilot so he puts the plane into 8 different nose dives, but here's the crazy ****. When he pulls out of the nose dive, the 'plummeting towards the ground' footage just reverses. **** the laws of physics! Also look for very obvious blue screen work, backgrounds that keep on moving after the character had stopped, and the caucasian boss of the Chinese Tong. The only time the movie got interesting was when Agent Asian Chick started flirting with a girl in a tattoo parlor, but nothing came of that of course. Everyone should see this movie.
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