Clean jokes for a dirty world
- Thread starter Anneliese
- Start date
Irishgirl
Active Member
hey Girl! We woke up this morning to no electric, and a half an inch on ice on the ground, and on the trees. I was still expected to be at work. Roads were in good shape PenDot is doing a great job this year.
We were all prepared for the worst. We had the generator alll ready to go, and an alternative heating system. Filled all the camping water jugs, stocked up on batteries, and propane fuel for the camp stove.
I told my daughter to take a shower last night in case the electric went out. She said, "Mom your over reacting". Well, she had a reality check this morning going to work stinky. Chaulk on up for Mom. What ever happened to " Mother knows best"?
Well, the storm is over, but I work for an International Company, and we have delays all over.
Take care, and stay warm.
We were all prepared for the worst. We had the generator alll ready to go, and an alternative heating system. Filled all the camping water jugs, stocked up on batteries, and propane fuel for the camp stove.
I told my daughter to take a shower last night in case the electric went out. She said, "Mom your over reacting". Well, she had a reality check this morning going to work stinky. Chaulk on up for Mom. What ever happened to " Mother knows best"?
Well, the storm is over, but I work for an International Company, and we have delays all over.
Take care, and stay warm.
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
6 Affairs
The 1st Affair
A married man was in love
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying *******!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
"Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"No, not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
"I have something to show
you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you,"
she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied.
"The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
"I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man asked.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel!" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here."
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly,
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied.
"Now just rest and let the poison work."
The 1st Affair
A married man was in love
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying *******!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
"Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"No, not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
"I have something to show
you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you,"
she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied.
"The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
"I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man asked.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel!" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here."
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly,
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied.
"Now just rest and let the poison work."
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my
testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
‘A r e - m y - t e s t - re s u l t s -b a c k’
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my
testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
‘A r e - m y - t e s t - re s u l t s -b a c k’
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
Subject: FW: Modern Medicine
A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either.? In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now.......the whole country is looking for work!!!!!!"
A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either.? In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now.......the whole country is looking for work!!!!!!"
ORANGATUANG
Wildfire
oh girl keep them coming the past fews days have been abit blue but girl you make me laugh and they say its the best medicine...( :
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
Subject: Snow Report...
I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern North Minnesota near the Canadian border. She said that since early this morning the snow has become nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.
I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern North Minnesota near the Canadian border. She said that since early this morning the snow has become nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.
Irishgirl
Active Member
Anneliese;206299 said:Subject: Snow Report...
I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern North Minnesota near the Canadian border. She said that since early this morning the snow has become nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.
I suppose we should consider ourselves extremely lucky.
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the
brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul'
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the
brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul'
Irishgirl
Active Member
Anneliese;206340 said:
Hello,
We experiencing a melt down. I'm so sad, I want it to snow, but not too much because then I'll have to dig out my chickens.
Our new baby is due to come home on 03/05/2011. We're all so excited. Dave and I are going to be the proud parents of a 7-week old Black Labrador Retriever (female). She looks like a butter ball (she's now only three weeks old), and is so adorable. Our last dog died six years ago, so we decided that it was now time. This way David has someone to pet when I'm not there. HA!
I hope that you stocked up on food, and other essentials before all this hit?
Now I know why you've been blogging so much the last few days. LOL
I heard from one of our customers in OK that they are in the middle of a blizzard, and their expected to receive 20 inches.
Please send snow!!!!!
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
The Grandmother of all
Blonde Jokes
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
You'll love this..
I know you will...
.
.
.
.
.
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."!!!!!!
Blonde Jokes
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
You'll love this..
I know you will...
.
.
.
.
.
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."!!!!!!
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard
About people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference
Between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
Your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,
Or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
Perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
And having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
About people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference
Between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
Your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,
Or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
Perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
And having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
Angels........
............as explained By Children.
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
Gregory, age 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it
-Olive, age 9
< /span>
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
-Matthew, age 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
-Mitchell, age 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
-Henry, age 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!
-Jack, age 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up
to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, age 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten.
And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.
-Reagan, age 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.
-Sara, age 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
-Jared, age 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
-Antonio, age 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
-Ashley ~ age 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
- Vicki , age 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
- Sarah , age 7
..No One Say's it Better Than A Child.......
............as explained By Children.
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
Gregory, age 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it
-Olive, age 9
< /span>
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
-Matthew, age 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
-Mitchell, age 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
-Henry, age 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!
-Jack, age 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up
to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, age 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten.
And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.
-Reagan, age 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.
-Sara, age 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
-Jared, age 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
-Antonio, age 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
-Ashley ~ age 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
- Vicki , age 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
- Sarah , age 7
..No One Say's it Better Than A Child.......
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...You'll love this .......
'You got Male!
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...You'll love this .......
'You got Male!