Did the unthinkable (my Aikido journey)

[TDWoj]

Thanks, everyone.

Today was very difficult. I couldn't keep up with the speed at which the sensei ran the warm-up exercises. I'm determined to do everything, of course; but today she started us off with jumping jacks, and now my ankles are wrecked! I should have known better - jumping jacks is the one exercise for sure I have to stay away from.

I wonder if there's a video one can buy to do the warm-up exercises? This is an idea, but of course, I'm flat broke, and I'm having to face the fact that I need to spend at least a couple of thousand dollars upgrading my computers so that I can keep working....

I still can't roll. Makes me no good as uke, but the other students are being good sports about partnering with me.

I am getting some interesting comments from the people I partner with. I seem to be picking up some of the moves quite well. One woman I partnered with today said I had a lot of upper body strength which surprises me, considering all I do all day is sit at my computer and type; I also tend to "take root" when I'm uke so my partner has to work hard to get me down!

Oh, and this is so funny; my first partner of the evening was this guy that was easily 6'4", and little me barely clearing five feet, and he had to practically bend himself into a pretzel to get under my arm! But when it was my turn, I must say, it was very empowering to make him tumble!

My next to last partner was this tiny little lady whose arm was so fragile in my hand I was terrified I was going to break something.

The rolling thing is worrying me, though. I need more practise at it - the few minutes we spend on it just isn't enough. It's partly fear; but I'm fairly certain this is a case where my weight in combination with the stiffness in my joints is working against me. I just don't know what to do about it, since there is nowhere I can go to practice.

(Note to Amos - the park? It was a windchill of -26C out there today! Even the dogs are wearing cold weather suits!)

However, I shall carry on. I made the mistake of telling my writerly friends about this little stroke of madness, and at first they were encouraging, and now they are making fun of me.

 

[Aikilove]

TD - Do what I always did in the beginning: If you have time spend 5 minutes before class training your forward rolls from seated position (or one knee down and the other up). When you push forward (like you were about to start a 100 m sprint race) make sure you breath out. Also try to make sure that the arm you are rolling over are shaped like an arc and that you let the contact point start at the tip of the little finger continuing along the whole arm all the way up to the shoulder. This ensures that you are not bouncing the shoulder into the floor. It should be a smooth, actively relaxed motion. Go slow. Tuck the head. Breath out. Breath in. Breath out - and roll while breathing out.

After class take at least five minutes doing the same as before class. It should now be easier since you´re more warmed up.
God luck

/J

 

[TDWoj]

TD - Do what I always did in the beginning: If you have time spend 5 minutes before class training your forward rolls from seated position (or one knee down and the other up). When you push forward (like you were about to start a 100 m sprint race) make sure you breath out. Also try to make sure that the arm you are rolling over are shaped like an arc and that you let the contact point start at the tip of the little finger continuing along the whole arm all the way up to the shoulder. This ensures that you are not bouncing the shoulder into the floor. It should be a smooth, actively relaxed motion. Go slow. Tuck the head. Breath out. Breath in. Breath out - and roll while breathing out.

After class take at least five minutes doing the same as before class. It should now be easier since you´re more warmed up.
God luck

/J

That's a good point about the breathing - I'm not breathing properly at all (too many things to think about and I forget to breathe!).

To practice, I can go in earlier, but I can't do anything after the class since there's another class right afterwards.

"It should be a smooth, actively relaxed motion." Yeah, right. I have two things working against me - one, my joints are really stiff, I mean REALLY stiff, and have been since childhood (I can't, for example, even turn my arm so my palm is facing upwards, and where most people can bend their hands back to 90 degrees+, mine stops at 45 degrees). I also have fused vertebrae in my neck which means I have very little range of motion there, so tucking my head under is nearly impossible. Secondly, my weight - it stops my momentum absolutely cold. Once the hips hit the mat, that's it. I go no farther.

One disability or the other I could handle - but both seem to be working in concert to foil all my efforts!

It doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying, of course; it just means it's going to take me a lot longer to get the techniques down.

-TD, determined to continue even when facing certain failure

 

[Amos Stevens]

Thought for a moment you're going to say:

Td,determined to continue even if it means certain death

 

[TDWoj]

Thought for a moment you're going to say:

Td,determined to continue even if it means certain death

That, too....

(ow)

 

[TDWoj]

Okay. Five lessons (seven if you count the two freebies) and I seem to be getting worse rather than better... it's also getting to the point where no one wants to partner with me because I'm absolutely useless as uke.

My weight is definitely working against me; but there doesn't seem to be any means by which I can lose the extra weight. My doctor forced me into taking Lipitor, and I believe that it is that which is preventing me from losing weight. I should have lost at least 25 pounds within the past 4 months; nothing. Not an ounce. It's frustrating beyond belief. And I know if I don't lose the weight, I will NEVER get any of these techniques to work, because dealing with both the issues of stiff joints AND excess weight is counter productive to the effort going into it.

I am seriously thinking of quitting. It is so embarrassing to take so long to get up on my feet, embarrassing to be singled out by the instructor and told not to do some techniques, embarrassing that I can't even do a ****ing simple forward roll. And it was REALLY embarrassing that my partner couldn't do the back lift stretch with me because I was too heavy to lift.

I know no one ever died of embarrassment, but golly, I'm coming awfully close to it.

The only reason I'm not quitting is that I figure I can't possibly do any worse than I am now. I don't expect to do well at this; my reasons for doing this are mainly because I am walking like someone twice my age, and I can no longer put a sock on my right foot because the hip has gotten so stiff from being so inactive during the day.

I'm just so tired of failing at everything I do. I wish there was just one thing I could do really well, and feel really good about.

-TD, guessing that her father was right along, and that she is a completely useless tool, incapable even of tying her own shoelaces

 

[Aikilove]

TD - Try to endure - As I said, I've experienced people with the same/similar problems like yours and it was very tough in the beginning (talking month now) but one day they just realised that in stead of pain during training it was during training they did not feel pain. It became their relief point in the day.

If you quit however, noone noone will hold it against you. Aikido is not for everyone, but everyone can train aikido.

/J

 

[TDWoj]

TD - Try to endure - As I said, I've experienced people with the same/similar problems like yours and it was very tough in the beginning (talking month now) but one day they just realised that in stead of pain during training it was during training they did not feel pain. It became their relief point in the day.

If you quit however, noone noone will hold it against you. Aikido is not for everyone, but everyone can train aikido.

/J

Thanks, Aikilove. I'm determined not to quit, at least, not for the wrong reasons. I knew this was going to be hard; I didn't count on it being nearly impossible, given my physical limitations. I guess I'm worried that despite all my efforts my body will let me down in the end, as it has always done.

Pain doesn't worry me much; I'm in constant, excruciating pain all day even without the training, so a little more in a few more places is barely noticeable overall.

What I think I'm trying to run away from is the embarrassment of being a complete screw-up. I tend to want to run and hide when I'm embarrassed; staying out in the open while in this state is harder than not being able to do the techniques.

 

[Lollipop]

Hang it there, I have been reading all of your post! You should be proud,you are out there trying. Must of us want even try! A+!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[TDWoj]

Yesterday's class was an exercise in being folded, spindled and mutilated.

Ow.

My forward rolls are getting better, according to last night's instructor. I'm still not convinced, but he's watching me do it, so I guess he's right ("Don't look so disbelieving," sez he, as I sat for a moment catching my breath, with a perplexed look on my face). I know I got at least one roll mostly right, because my arm didn't slap down, though I still can't get enough momentum to end up in the same kneeling position I started out from. But at least the legs are positioned correctly for the day when that happens.

Also, working on some of the moves last night, he said I had "good technique" and that surprised the hell out of me, as well.

We did two moves that required uke to be immobilised and pinned to the floor. As one of my partners described it, "it's like unscrewing your arm at the shoulder."

Did I mention - ow?

Considering how painful it was last night, I'm surprised my arms and shoulders don't hurt more than they do today.

Oh! And I got to participate in a very simple 4-on-1 randori. We were just working on one move for this. Of course, not being able to roll properly yet, the instructor let me get away with walking out of the move when I was uke. It was a lot of fun, though!

I also look at how things have improved outside of class. Going home Monday night I walked down the stairs to the subway and it wasn't until I reached the bottom that I realised - I'd walked down the stairs!. Huh? sez those of you reading this. Well, for the past 10 years, I've been going down stairs like an old lady with a double hip replacement - step, stop, step, stop, step, stop, all the while holding onto the railing for dear life.

This time I just walked down the stairs like a normal person, one foot in front of the other, down, down, down.

I noticed this as well when I got off the street car (and those steps are a lot higher than indoor stairs).

Whee!

 

[Lollipop]

See you are already showing progress in duralbilty. I have so much time I have thought about looking into something like this! Is it really hard those first few lessons?

 

[TDWoj]

See you are already showing progress in duralbilty. I have so much time I have thought about looking into something like this! Is it really hard those first few lessons?

"Is it really hard those first few lessons?"

(TD falls on the floor giggling maniacally)

One of the instructors told me she's been doing this for 14 years, she still hasn't got her black belt (1st dan, I believe), and she told me she still goes home after each class feeling like she's been run over by a truck!

You have to teach your body to do things which at first don't seem natural, but after a while, becomes natural because it makes perfect sense to do it that way.

I guess the short answer is that it doesn't get easier, so much as it gets simpler. And doing things simply is the hardest thing in the world to learn because we just aren't conditioned to do things that way!

I'm really looking forward to the day when I learn how to roll properly and can fly through the air and land without killing myself.

Some things are easier for others than for me. My joints are extremely stiff - I have no flexibility at all, and practically no range of motion in my neck from fused neck vertebrae. Others that don't have this problem have conquered the rolls in the first half dozen classes because their bodies bend the way they are supposed to. Mine doesn't, consequently it's very difficult for me to roll because I can't tuck properly.

One of my partners yesterday described the way I roll as rolling like a cardboard box instead of a donut. That's all down to my stiff joints.

One thing that I find really interesting is that while the moves look very simple on the face of it, being executed with an economy of motion, they have in fact quite an aerobic benefit/effect. Doing the moves in 4 repititions each (as uke and nage) gives you as much aerobic exercise as running on a treadmill for 5 minutes.

 

[Serena]

It's great you're able to notice some improvements, TD. Good for you for hanging in there.
Keep on rolling! *ouch* Sorry.

 

[Cubanfan]

Dear TDWoj
I think you are starting Aikido. I would like to know if your main interest is self defense or self - improvement. Maybe I can give some advices about the second choise. This will help you with the first.
Aikilove`s saying about the importance of breath was very accurate.
This is one of my favorite forums.
Douglas

 

[shihonage]

Hello TDWoj.

I am 27 years old, started Aikido when I was 22.
When I started Aikido, I wasn't really out of shape. I was 6"1, 150lbs and could do 2 sets of 50 pushups.

Nonetheless, I haven't done any semblance of aerobic activity for most of my life. This is how I felt when I started Aikido:

* everything was new and there was too much of it
* i took everyone's comments personally, especially lighthearted jokes by an instructor
* one side of the body did things a lot worse then the other or couldn't do them at all
* the warm-up exercises made me feel silly, as well as some of the Japanese customs employed at the dojo
* i thought i would never be able to be like the other, non-beginner students. I thought i was going to fail miserably at this. It didn't help that I had a really hard breakup 6 months before that, and felt like I was failing at everything
* i tended to channel frustrations i had pent up inside, i was stiff and sometimes degenerated to being hostile to other students while trying to "do" a technique "on them", without even realizing it

I hope at least some of this list rings familiar to you. This is normal, it it will go away.

What Aikido does, amongst a few things, is make you friends with your own body. You spend less energy on doing mundane things, move more gracefully, react faster, and are more aware of things that are about to go sour, be it catching a falling toothbrush or, in advance, feeling hostile intent from someone approaching in a parking lot. I find that it also helps expand awareness while driving a car.

In addition I find myself being calmer and more personable at work, and applying some interesting approaches to situations that I wouldn't be able to handle this way otherwise. For example a co-worker started bringing his 8-year-old to work, a cute little boy who however was quite a pain in the ass because he was very hyperactive. At one point this little boy said "Lets play karate !" at which point he became a big fan of being tossed around by me around the spacious halls of our floor. Okay, not really a BIG fan, but his energy found an outlet allright.

Its funny that you mentioned a homeless man in your original post. I often give money to homeless men, even though I know they'll spend it on drugs or beer. But hey, they're homeless. The downside of this is that they become used to it and start being pushy. Aikido came in handy for me when I had to "ikkyo" one homeless man when he put up his fists in some sort of attempt to intimidate me. It all happened very fast, using his own power, and he stumbled away and almost fell and left me alone after that.

Okay, I am going to stop this rambling now. I just wanted to show you that there is something to look forward to. The first 3 months are undoubtedly the hardest. This is the time when you have 3 left feet and nothing goes right, and you don't really seem to be improving all that much either.
Stick with Aikido, it can be done, and it will make a difference in your life ever-so-subtly.
My parents are 3 years older than you, and there's no way I could ever make them take Aikido. I respect what you've accomplished this far already.

I've attached a picture to this post, a photo of a woman who is BY NO MEANS THIN, but however reached a high skill level in Aikido anyway. Her body didn't change dramatically on the outside, but her endurance and ways of using it have.
There are other examples - Peter Goldsbury, a well known instructor, started Aikido at 50, and now he's 75, if I am not mistaken, and agile as a bunny.

 

[TDWoj]

Thank you for sharing your experience, Shihonage.

You're right about having three left feet. Some days I feel like I have about a dozen left feet, and too many hands! And I've been told it's a common thing in most people, that they can do things with one side of the body better than the other. One of the things I'm finding, though, is that it isn't consistent with me - some things I do better on one side, some things I do better on the other! It all comes down to practice, practice, practice. That's why when I practice the rolls, or practice getting up, I try to do it more often on the weaker side.

I caught onto what the warm-up exercises are all about by the third lesson. Most of what one does in the warm-up exercises has a direct relationship to the moves one does in aikido. The hand and wrist exercises, for example - where you put your fingers when you do the exercise yourself is also where you put your fingers on uke's hand when you want to take him down. It was like a lightbulb going off in my head once I made the connection. Suddenly things got a bit easier...

And thanks especially for the picture of the big lady doing aikido. I guess there's still hope for me!

 

[TDWoj]

Dear TDWoj
I think you are starting Aikido. I would like to know if your main interest is self defense or self - improvement. Maybe I can give some advices about the second choise. This will help you with the first.
Aikilove`s saying about the importance of breath was very accurate.
This is one of my favorite forums.
Douglas

Breathing is getting better. I'm so stressed out most of the time, I forget to breathe even when I'm not doing aikido!

My main interest in aikido is self-improvement. My body has always been my enemy. It has let me down on countless occasions, and I am tired of being sick all the time, tired all the time, in pain all the time. Yes, the training is painful, but it's becoming less so, and the kind of pain I experience on a daily basis has lessened considerably. (I was, for example, able to stay on my feet for nearly four hours at a party recently - I usually collapse in agony after one hour. This is all due to the warm-up exercises, I believe - they are stretching and strengthening muscles that have long gone unused, and in some cases have contracted to the point where it was affecting even ordinary movement - like not being able to walk down stairs, for example.)

I considered other martial arts, but they were too much out of my range. Even aikido is proving to be harder than it looks (Steven makes it look so easy!), but I can do some of the moves, at least at this level, with some degree of success.

 

[Jules]

You can do it...who ever said it would be easy. Hmmmm?

 

[pantera]

Breathing is getting better. I'm so stressed out most of the time, I forget to breathe even when I'm not doing aikido!

My main interest in aikido is self-improvement. My body has always been my enemy. It has let me down on countless occasions, and I am tired of being sick all the time, tired all the time, in pain all the time. Yes, the training is painful, but it's becoming less so, and the kind of pain I experience on a daily basis has lessened considerably. (I was, for example, able to stay on my feet for nearly four hours at a party recently - I usually collapse in agony after one hour. This is all due to the warm-up exercises, I believe - they are stretching and strengthening muscles that have long gone unused, and in some cases have contracted to the point where it was affecting even ordinary movement - like not being able to walk down stairs, for example.)

I considered other martial arts, but they were too much out of my range. Even aikido is proving to be harder than it looks (Steven makes it look so easy!), but I can do some of the moves, at least at this level, with some degree of success.

In a way i've got the same problem than you: i always consider my body as my ennemy (i just don't care if something is good for my knee or not, my knee has to do what i want when i want; or i don't wear som clothes 'cos' my body doesn't look good or stuff like that) i mean i always make a difference between ME and my body.
Not a long time ago, someone told me: your body is YOU.
Which mean that we have to learn to leave with our body and our abilities. Of course it doesn't mean we can't improve ourselves but it means that we must find the harmony with our body.
Of course that's easy to say, difficult to do . I haven't been able to do it yet. But i give you this advice too, try to find the harmony with the body you have. With the improvement you make, you'll fell better and better in your body ( actually, it's alrady the case.)
Don't give up, you can be proud. You made the most difficult yet: take the decision of doing something and keep on doing it.
Take care and best wishes.

 

[Aikilove]

I also look at how things have improved outside of class. Going home Monday night I walked down the stairs to the subway and it wasn't until I reached the bottom that I realised - I'd walked down the stairs!. Huh? sez those of you reading this. Well, for the past 10 years, I've been going down stairs like an old lady with a double hip replacement - step, stop, step, stop, step, stop, all the while holding onto the railing for dear life.

This time I just walked down the stairs like a normal person, one foot in front of the other, down, down, down.

I noticed this as well when I got off the street car (and those steps are a lot higher than indoor stairs).

Whee!

See I told you so!!

I have had a number of people with long time injuries start aikido at an age where they didn't realy think they would be able to progress much. Every single one have perservered and noticed that their chronicle pain (back pain, joint pain etc.) would decrease to a level they wouldn't dream of.
Just keep doing it. It will probably hurt quite a bit in the beginning, but some day you will find yourself realizing there is no pain anymore. I'm proud of you.

You'll be fine, just stick with it....

/J