Next update:
Practicing hard. I've been working on fine tuning some details, and also working on the hardest techniques for me: suwari waza and hanmi handachi. Today I did hanmi handachi shomenuchi irimi nage, and it was just getting the little details right. We must have practiced at least half an hour which was murder on my toes (not the knees - it's the toes, for me, they just don't bend!). Also worked on some details re: moretetori ikkyo (that was another half hour, on just the one technique); and also did moretetori kochinage, which again, is a killer for me because of my back. However, the kochinage seemed to be much better this time around; I think it was because I got into position better and more quickly than before.
The sciatica comes and goes. I wish it would just go and stay gone....
The advanced class was very good today; I was very relaxed for some reason. I think it was because I have reduced the number of days I practice from 5 to 4 (due to work issues), and also I didn't go on Saturday, because I really, really needed a day off. Hmmm....
Oh, and I really put my foot in it last week. The big guy that I'm scared of happened to be in the dressing room when I told the instructor I was too afraid of him to practice with him. He came roaring out of the room and laid into me, calling me a liar (I'd previously apologized to him after I squawked when he nearly twisted my arm off... wait a minute. I apologized to HIM for HIM hurting me?), and bringing down his wrath upon my head as a result of my admitting I was afraid to practice with him.
Huh? Does any of that make sense?
To him, it probably does; to me, it was a perfect example of why I'm afraid of him, why I don't trust him as a practice partner, and why I want nothing to do with him on the mat. He's never been respectful to me (I'm his sem pi by at least a year) and if I should be unlucky enough to draw him as a practice partner, if I'm his uke, he ends up treating me in the most insulting manner (he's over 6 feet tall and when nage, offered his arm in such a way that I was unable to take it correctly, since I'm only 5 feet tall. When I asked him to lower his arm so that we could practice the technique being taught, he just gave me this rude stare and did nothing). I realized then how disrespectful he was; he was not going to change the way he practiced when faced with a partner of different dimensions. I'm not comfortable yet in the role of senior student, though I've had a few lectures from folks higher up in the food chain than I, and I figured the respect would come once I acquired the hakama; but then I saw how disrespectfully he dealt with the black belts, and now I know it's not just me he's disrespectful to, so getting the hakama won't make one bit of difference. So there's really nothing I can do about it regardless of my status.
And I'm still afraid of him.
So I'm ignoring him as much as he's ignoring me, and I'm concentrating on my own practice. He wasn't in the advanced class today, so I didn't have that panic stricken feeling watching him (I have to watch him; he doesn't care which direction he throws his partner in or which way he falls; I can't count the number of times I've had to yank my partner out of harm's way as a result of his carelessness and yes, frankly, occasional foolish behaviour that results in near misses and once in an injured student).
I know at some point I'll have to address that fear, but for know, I'm just letting it go by because now that he knows I'm afraid him, he flat out refuses to practice with me, whether individually or in a line.
This move towards me being a senior student is freaking me out, I have to admit.