Laughter is the best medicine!
- Thread starter yudansha
- Start date
- Status
The kids at the hospital would love this! I wish I could show to this to them. The killer snot.tora said:Oh my goodness!
HAHAHA!!tora said:Let me point out the difference between women and men -that is not a virus
http://shaurya5.tripod.com/Difference Between Men And Women .html
Well, that one really shook me up!
Attachments
Dog training: closer to truth than most would admit
Five men are bragging about how smart their dogs are:
The 1st man is an accountant, the 2nd man is a chemist, the 3rd man is an engineer, the 4th man is a linguist and the 5th is a government worker.
To show off, the accountant calls to his dog:
"Slide Rule, do your stuff!"
Slide Rule goes into the kitchen and returns with a dozen cookies. He divides them into 4 piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agrees that is pretty smart.
But the chemist says his dog can do better. He calls his dog and says:
"Test Tube, do your stuff!"
Test Tube gets up, walks over to the fridge, takes out a quart of milk, gets a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and pours exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agrees that is good.
However, the engineer says his dog can do even better. He calls his dog and orders:
"T-Square, do your stuff!"
T-Square trots over to a desk, takes out some paper and a pen and shrewdly draws a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agrees that is extremely smart.
Then the linguist says his dog is even more intelligent. He calls the dog and says:
"Chomsky, do your stuff!"
Chomsky gets the pen and writes on the paper the word "dog" in 3 languages. Everyone is amazed.
Finally, the 4 men turn to the government worker and ask: "What can your dog do?" The government worker calls the animal and says:
"Coffee Break, do your stuff!"
Coffee Break jumps to his feet, eats the cookies, drinks the milk, dumps on the paper, fines the linguist for teaching without a certificate, sexually assaults the other 4 dogs, claims that he injured his back while doing so, files a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, puts in for worker's compensation and goes home on sick leave.
Five men are bragging about how smart their dogs are:
The 1st man is an accountant, the 2nd man is a chemist, the 3rd man is an engineer, the 4th man is a linguist and the 5th is a government worker.
To show off, the accountant calls to his dog:
"Slide Rule, do your stuff!"
Slide Rule goes into the kitchen and returns with a dozen cookies. He divides them into 4 piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agrees that is pretty smart.
But the chemist says his dog can do better. He calls his dog and says:
"Test Tube, do your stuff!"
Test Tube gets up, walks over to the fridge, takes out a quart of milk, gets a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and pours exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agrees that is good.
However, the engineer says his dog can do even better. He calls his dog and orders:
"T-Square, do your stuff!"
T-Square trots over to a desk, takes out some paper and a pen and shrewdly draws a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agrees that is extremely smart.
Then the linguist says his dog is even more intelligent. He calls the dog and says:
"Chomsky, do your stuff!"
Chomsky gets the pen and writes on the paper the word "dog" in 3 languages. Everyone is amazed.
Finally, the 4 men turn to the government worker and ask: "What can your dog do?" The government worker calls the animal and says:
"Coffee Break, do your stuff!"
Coffee Break jumps to his feet, eats the cookies, drinks the milk, dumps on the paper, fines the linguist for teaching without a certificate, sexually assaults the other 4 dogs, claims that he injured his back while doing so, files a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, puts in for worker's compensation and goes home on sick leave.
Attachments
Jules
Potters Clay
lol Oh my you guys....you are too much!
Cute picture of santa and reindeer Serena.
Tora....is that why you are so petite?
Storm...oh dear Storm....thank you for the adorable picture of the teddy bears!
I have a plan...
I copied it. I am going to make it into a card for my husband with:
"Hey honey....I was wondering if I can get my Christmas present early!!! And late!! AND on time!!....Love you lots! xoxoJulie
(why do you think I had four children!?!)
Cute picture of santa and reindeer Serena.
Tora....is that why you are so petite?
Storm...oh dear Storm....thank you for the adorable picture of the teddy bears!
I have a plan... I copied it. I am going to make it into a card for my husband with:"Hey honey....I was wondering if I can get my Christmas present early!!! And late!! AND on time!!....Love you lots! xoxoJulie
(why do you think I had four children!?!)
tora
Funmaker
Oops...let the cat out of the bag
SLIP OF TONGUE
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get
married
again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to
do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND: "oh no"
SLIP OF TONGUE
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get
married
again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to
do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND: "oh no"
tora
Funmaker
this...or better the Hammer 6.0
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower
and jewellry applications that had operated flawlessly
under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running NAGGING
5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I
do?
Desperate
*************************
[REPLY]
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and
install Tears 6.2.
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty
3.0 and
Flowers 7.0.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy
Silence
2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Television 6.1. Television 6.1 is a very bad
program
that will create Loud noises ( WAV files) and does not get deleted.
DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend
program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a
limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying
additional software to improve performance. I
personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Cheerfulness 2.0.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower
and jewellry applications that had operated flawlessly
under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running NAGGING
5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I
do?
Desperate
*************************
[REPLY]
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and
install Tears 6.2.
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty
3.0 and
Flowers 7.0.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy
Silence
2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Television 6.1. Television 6.1 is a very bad
program
that will create Loud noises ( WAV files) and does not get deleted.
DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend
program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a
limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying
additional software to improve performance. I
personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Cheerfulness 2.0.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
yudansha
TheGreatOne
u sure ur ready for this
Kids Say the Darndest Things:
At a wildlife museum: “They sure don’t take very good care of their animals. They’re all dead.”
After the first day in Grade 1: Is there more work to do in Grade 1 (vs. kindergarten)? “No, just more sitting.”
Going to a hockey game (for the first time) after a bugs collection exhibition: “Do they cut holes in the lid of the penalty box so the players can breathe?”
“Why is it that I’m always sent to bed when I’m not tired, but am made to get up when I am tired?”
Excited kid talking to his parents after seeing the static electricity machine at a science fair: “Yeah, and you should’ve seen the dog hair on my pants stand up!”
A kid misbehaving: “Don’t you remember what happened yesterday after you did that?” “It’s funny, Mom, sometimes I can’t remember what I did yesterday but I can remember things from a year ago.” “So if I want to remember what I did yesterday, I’ll have to wait a whole year.”
Being religious: As the sermon began, a bell was heard from outside. The little kid screamed, “Stop!” “It’s the ice-cream man!” After the church service, the minister read the announcements and asked if anyone had anything to add. A hand of a 5 year old went up. “Yes, not this Thursday, but next Thursday, it’s my birthday!”
Learning to cook: While making cookies, a question came up. “Why do I have to leave the room?” What do you mean? “It says right here, ‘Leave room for spreading.’ ”
Keeping up with the adults: “Oh they are such an interesting couple. She has a M.A. from BU, and he has a Ph.D. from MIT.” Disgusted, the kid proclaimed, “You’re always spelling, and I never know what you’re talking about.”
‘The not yet teen years’ – After getting mad at the parents, the 6 year old threatened to run away from home. He slammed the door and 10 minutes later stormed downstairs, dragging a suitcase. “So, where are you going?” “I’m not going anywhere. I’m not allowed to cross the street by myself. I packed your suitcase.”
‘And who says you can’t learn from TV?’ – Geography class: “What is the oldest desert in the world?” The answer on a test paper read, “Apple pie.”
Learning good manners: Upon receiving a cup of milk – “So, what do you say?” With a smile, he said, “Cheers!”
The after school home-schooling: Introducing astronomical terms, the teacher asked if anybody knew what an eclipse was. One brave hand shot up, “It’s when the salt shaker goes behind the pickle jar.”
Learning from parents: When an in-school assignment was to cook a delicious-“just like Mom makes it”-kind of meal, the little girl immediately rushed to the phone and ordered pizza.
‘Boys will be boys’ (we sure will!!) – Knock at the door: the boy wants something of his back that got into the neighbour’s garage. Garage door opens. Two additions were present – the baseball and a broken window with a baseball sized hole. “So, how do you suppose this got in here?” Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the neighbour, the boy replied, “Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole.”
Being introduced to exercise: Trying to get her kids into a healthier lifestyle, she was happy to hear her young son ask if she’d like to walk around the block. “Sure, that would be great.” “All right,” he continued, “but would you fix me a sandwich when you get back?”
Introducing the ‘routine’ part to exercise and discipline: When made to do the daily chores, the smart ass child started coming up with excuses to get out of doing the chores, but you couldn’t fool the parents. One day however, there was a reason for concern … but just for a moment. It occurred as the child proclaimed that he was having serious back problems and that it hurt too much to move while putting the dishes into the dishwasher. But then he added, “It’s becoming so serious that it now hurts to push buttons on the remote control!”
Freaky zoo experiences: Seeing a sign at the zoo, the kid is unsure of whether to be scared. The sign read, “Please be safe. Do not sit, climb or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you, and that would make them sick.”
Driving back from the zoo: The kid finds another amusing sign. “This Saturday and Sunday: Dog Show – Monday: Flea Market.”
The sibling appreciation: Parents wanted to know whether their son was really misbehaving as teachers have made it sound to be, so they asked their daughter who attended the same school, but realizing she was getting him into trouble, she quickly added, “But you should’ve seen him. He’s so fast, it took four teachers to catch him!”
Learning to love homework: After a daunting math class, the young and tired student went to the store to help out his parents with the customers. When approached by a customer with regards to a new batch of eggs that just arrived, the student was very attentive and when asked how much was half a dozen, he quickly replied, “Six.”
Learning to deal with losses: After having to deal with a series of thieves at the store, an advertisement was needed to sell the remaining product. A new sign was put up: “Husqvarna chain saws … We just can’t keep them in stock.”
The kid gets older. The kid gets a job. The job requires hauling hay using a tractor. The kid is frustrated when he can’t start the tractor. “Did you try choking it?” “No,” he replied gritting his teeth. “But I sure feel like it.”
Dealing with high-tech generation: While at the grandparents’ house, a kid got hungry, went to the fridge and was then puzzled. Irritated with the problem at hand, the young fellow stormed to his parents and exclaimed, “And how am I supposed to heat up this milk? There’s no microwave!”
The gift of words: When learning to read while staying at his uncle’s house for the weekend, the 5 year old always seemed to have a surprised look on his face. When his parents came to pick him up, he asked, “Is Uncle Jim an idiot?” “Why would you ask that?” “Well, he has all these books: ‘Idiot’s Guide to Windows,’ ‘Idiot’s Guide to PowerPoint…’ ”
Impressing the guests with all the schooling: A ten-year-old was eager to impress his out-of-town relatives with his version of local history. “Qeenston Heights was a battle site in the War of 1812 between the British and the Americans,” he recounted. “Victoria Secret walked through enemy lines to warn the British of an impending American attack.” “That would be Laura Secord,” his mother corrected. “That’s right,” his great-uncle spoke up. “Victoria Secret would never have slid undetected through enemy lines.”
Getting higher education: “Oh, so you’re taking psychology? I guess you’ll be analyzing everyone in the family now.” “No, no, I don’t take abnormal psychology until next semester.”
Getting more of higher education: During a ‘Wines’ courses where students learn the correct pairings of wine and food, the professor asked a male enrollee, “What do you think would go well with this Riesling?” Pause, and then a reply, “A date.”
Something to think about: ‘Nothing seems interesting when it belongs to you, only when it doesn’t.’
Learning to drive: a new driver who acts very tentatively when approaching a tricky intersection and takes a long time to make up his mind about how to proceed has on purpose requested a licence plate that read “EEEKK.”
Finally, parents learning from their kids: A man was trying to pick out a shirt as a present for his teenage son. A lady came up to him, showed a display of shirts, and asked if it was the right size. “Don’t you ever take my car without my permission again!” Then, smiling, the man handed the shirt back and said, “Yep. That feels like just the right size.”
Why mommy fights with daddy: While getting up in the morning, the husband walked into the bedroom and asked his wife while she was bending over fixing the bed and asked, “Have your measurements changed?” “Why? Do I look different? …” Suddenly, wary, he paused. “Your head,” he said carefully, “is definitely bigger.”
Why daddy likes these fights: A man giving tips to his friend about marriage and how relationship will be different from then on. So, while standing at the checkout line in the local hardware store, he said, “My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long that she got mad and did it herself. You need to find yourself a woman who gets mad like that.”
Going to the vet: Looking at the massive Doberman Pinscher, the veterinary assistant asked, “Is she friendly?” “Friendly?” said the man. “She’s had five litters!”
Training interns: After finishing operation on one of the eyes, the intern wanted to calm and comfort the nervous and shaking patient undergoing LASIK surgery. “There, now you have only one eye left!”
You know you’re paranoid if you have a rear-view mirror on your stationary bike.
The Wall Street talk (from Wall Street Journal):
“We’re near-term cautions but long-term optimistic.” – meaning: “Don’t blame us if the market tanks.”
“The trend is your friend.” – meaning: “Stocks have been going up.”
“Trees don’t grow into the sky.” - meaning: “Stocks stopped going up.”
“Don’t miss this compelling opportunity.” - meaning: “I need the commission.”
“It’s fairly valued.” – meaning: “If the stock climbs a few more bucks, we’re unloading this puppy.”
“Our strength is evaluating corporate management.” – meaning: “We play a lot of golf.”
Unwise things to say:
In a traffic court – “Your Honour, when I entered the intersection, the light was the colour of this $20 bill, if you get my drift.”
In a job interview: “Am I correct you are not allowed by law to ask me if I have a prison record?”
To a car salesman: “Options? Just give me whatever you think I need.”
To Saint Peter: “Where’s the big guy? I don’t want to talk to some flunky.”
Graffiti on campus: “Question Everything!”
The next day there was a response: “Why?”
While teaching nursing students to perform a neurological exam, the instructor discussed the importance of checking the patient’s balance. “Has your doctor ever told you to extend your arms, close your eyes and then stand on one foot?” “No,” one student answered, “but the police have!”
Ponder … When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better.
“Communism doesn’t work!” “Why?” “Because people like to own stuff.”
“The mind is the limit. As long as the mind can envision something, you can do it.” Arnold Schwarzenegger
Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency.
“We need the enthusiasm of the young. We need their joie de vivre. In it is reflected something of the original joy God had in creating man.” His Holiness John Paul II.
Kids Say the Darndest Things:
At a wildlife museum: “They sure don’t take very good care of their animals. They’re all dead.”
After the first day in Grade 1: Is there more work to do in Grade 1 (vs. kindergarten)? “No, just more sitting.”
Going to a hockey game (for the first time) after a bugs collection exhibition: “Do they cut holes in the lid of the penalty box so the players can breathe?”
“Why is it that I’m always sent to bed when I’m not tired, but am made to get up when I am tired?”
Excited kid talking to his parents after seeing the static electricity machine at a science fair: “Yeah, and you should’ve seen the dog hair on my pants stand up!”
A kid misbehaving: “Don’t you remember what happened yesterday after you did that?” “It’s funny, Mom, sometimes I can’t remember what I did yesterday but I can remember things from a year ago.” “So if I want to remember what I did yesterday, I’ll have to wait a whole year.”
Being religious: As the sermon began, a bell was heard from outside. The little kid screamed, “Stop!” “It’s the ice-cream man!” After the church service, the minister read the announcements and asked if anyone had anything to add. A hand of a 5 year old went up. “Yes, not this Thursday, but next Thursday, it’s my birthday!”
Learning to cook: While making cookies, a question came up. “Why do I have to leave the room?” What do you mean? “It says right here, ‘Leave room for spreading.’ ”
Keeping up with the adults: “Oh they are such an interesting couple. She has a M.A. from BU, and he has a Ph.D. from MIT.” Disgusted, the kid proclaimed, “You’re always spelling, and I never know what you’re talking about.”
‘The not yet teen years’ – After getting mad at the parents, the 6 year old threatened to run away from home. He slammed the door and 10 minutes later stormed downstairs, dragging a suitcase. “So, where are you going?” “I’m not going anywhere. I’m not allowed to cross the street by myself. I packed your suitcase.”
‘And who says you can’t learn from TV?’ – Geography class: “What is the oldest desert in the world?” The answer on a test paper read, “Apple pie.”
Learning good manners: Upon receiving a cup of milk – “So, what do you say?” With a smile, he said, “Cheers!”
The after school home-schooling: Introducing astronomical terms, the teacher asked if anybody knew what an eclipse was. One brave hand shot up, “It’s when the salt shaker goes behind the pickle jar.”
Learning from parents: When an in-school assignment was to cook a delicious-“just like Mom makes it”-kind of meal, the little girl immediately rushed to the phone and ordered pizza.
‘Boys will be boys’ (we sure will!!) – Knock at the door: the boy wants something of his back that got into the neighbour’s garage. Garage door opens. Two additions were present – the baseball and a broken window with a baseball sized hole. “So, how do you suppose this got in here?” Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the neighbour, the boy replied, “Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole.”
Being introduced to exercise: Trying to get her kids into a healthier lifestyle, she was happy to hear her young son ask if she’d like to walk around the block. “Sure, that would be great.” “All right,” he continued, “but would you fix me a sandwich when you get back?”
Introducing the ‘routine’ part to exercise and discipline: When made to do the daily chores, the smart ass child started coming up with excuses to get out of doing the chores, but you couldn’t fool the parents. One day however, there was a reason for concern … but just for a moment. It occurred as the child proclaimed that he was having serious back problems and that it hurt too much to move while putting the dishes into the dishwasher. But then he added, “It’s becoming so serious that it now hurts to push buttons on the remote control!”
Freaky zoo experiences: Seeing a sign at the zoo, the kid is unsure of whether to be scared. The sign read, “Please be safe. Do not sit, climb or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you, and that would make them sick.”
Driving back from the zoo: The kid finds another amusing sign. “This Saturday and Sunday: Dog Show – Monday: Flea Market.”
The sibling appreciation: Parents wanted to know whether their son was really misbehaving as teachers have made it sound to be, so they asked their daughter who attended the same school, but realizing she was getting him into trouble, she quickly added, “But you should’ve seen him. He’s so fast, it took four teachers to catch him!”
Learning to love homework: After a daunting math class, the young and tired student went to the store to help out his parents with the customers. When approached by a customer with regards to a new batch of eggs that just arrived, the student was very attentive and when asked how much was half a dozen, he quickly replied, “Six.”
Learning to deal with losses: After having to deal with a series of thieves at the store, an advertisement was needed to sell the remaining product. A new sign was put up: “Husqvarna chain saws … We just can’t keep them in stock.”
The kid gets older. The kid gets a job. The job requires hauling hay using a tractor. The kid is frustrated when he can’t start the tractor. “Did you try choking it?” “No,” he replied gritting his teeth. “But I sure feel like it.”
Dealing with high-tech generation: While at the grandparents’ house, a kid got hungry, went to the fridge and was then puzzled. Irritated with the problem at hand, the young fellow stormed to his parents and exclaimed, “And how am I supposed to heat up this milk? There’s no microwave!”
The gift of words: When learning to read while staying at his uncle’s house for the weekend, the 5 year old always seemed to have a surprised look on his face. When his parents came to pick him up, he asked, “Is Uncle Jim an idiot?” “Why would you ask that?” “Well, he has all these books: ‘Idiot’s Guide to Windows,’ ‘Idiot’s Guide to PowerPoint…’ ”
Impressing the guests with all the schooling: A ten-year-old was eager to impress his out-of-town relatives with his version of local history. “Qeenston Heights was a battle site in the War of 1812 between the British and the Americans,” he recounted. “Victoria Secret walked through enemy lines to warn the British of an impending American attack.” “That would be Laura Secord,” his mother corrected. “That’s right,” his great-uncle spoke up. “Victoria Secret would never have slid undetected through enemy lines.”
Getting higher education: “Oh, so you’re taking psychology? I guess you’ll be analyzing everyone in the family now.” “No, no, I don’t take abnormal psychology until next semester.”
Getting more of higher education: During a ‘Wines’ courses where students learn the correct pairings of wine and food, the professor asked a male enrollee, “What do you think would go well with this Riesling?” Pause, and then a reply, “A date.”
Something to think about: ‘Nothing seems interesting when it belongs to you, only when it doesn’t.’
Learning to drive: a new driver who acts very tentatively when approaching a tricky intersection and takes a long time to make up his mind about how to proceed has on purpose requested a licence plate that read “EEEKK.”
Finally, parents learning from their kids: A man was trying to pick out a shirt as a present for his teenage son. A lady came up to him, showed a display of shirts, and asked if it was the right size. “Don’t you ever take my car without my permission again!” Then, smiling, the man handed the shirt back and said, “Yep. That feels like just the right size.”
Why mommy fights with daddy: While getting up in the morning, the husband walked into the bedroom and asked his wife while she was bending over fixing the bed and asked, “Have your measurements changed?” “Why? Do I look different? …” Suddenly, wary, he paused. “Your head,” he said carefully, “is definitely bigger.”
Why daddy likes these fights: A man giving tips to his friend about marriage and how relationship will be different from then on. So, while standing at the checkout line in the local hardware store, he said, “My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long that she got mad and did it herself. You need to find yourself a woman who gets mad like that.”
Going to the vet: Looking at the massive Doberman Pinscher, the veterinary assistant asked, “Is she friendly?” “Friendly?” said the man. “She’s had five litters!”
Training interns: After finishing operation on one of the eyes, the intern wanted to calm and comfort the nervous and shaking patient undergoing LASIK surgery. “There, now you have only one eye left!”
You know you’re paranoid if you have a rear-view mirror on your stationary bike.
The Wall Street talk (from Wall Street Journal):
“We’re near-term cautions but long-term optimistic.” – meaning: “Don’t blame us if the market tanks.”
“The trend is your friend.” – meaning: “Stocks have been going up.”
“Trees don’t grow into the sky.” - meaning: “Stocks stopped going up.”
“Don’t miss this compelling opportunity.” - meaning: “I need the commission.”
“It’s fairly valued.” – meaning: “If the stock climbs a few more bucks, we’re unloading this puppy.”
“Our strength is evaluating corporate management.” – meaning: “We play a lot of golf.”
Unwise things to say:
In a traffic court – “Your Honour, when I entered the intersection, the light was the colour of this $20 bill, if you get my drift.”
In a job interview: “Am I correct you are not allowed by law to ask me if I have a prison record?”
To a car salesman: “Options? Just give me whatever you think I need.”
To Saint Peter: “Where’s the big guy? I don’t want to talk to some flunky.”
Graffiti on campus: “Question Everything!”
The next day there was a response: “Why?”
While teaching nursing students to perform a neurological exam, the instructor discussed the importance of checking the patient’s balance. “Has your doctor ever told you to extend your arms, close your eyes and then stand on one foot?” “No,” one student answered, “but the police have!”
Ponder … When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better.
“Communism doesn’t work!” “Why?” “Because people like to own stuff.”
“The mind is the limit. As long as the mind can envision something, you can do it.” Arnold Schwarzenegger
Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency.
“We need the enthusiasm of the young. We need their joie de vivre. In it is reflected something of the original joy God had in creating man.” His Holiness John Paul II.
Tora and yudansha--very funny stuff there! The cartoon about the friends and the pic about bikers and making assumptions I especially liked. And kids really do say the darndest things. Wish I had jotted some of the things I've heard from my little patients through the years.
The cartoon about the friends and the pic about bikers and making assumptions I especially liked. And kids really do say the darndest things. Wish I had jotted some of the things I've heard from my little patients through the years. Attachments
yudansha
TheGreatOne
here are some more jokes from reader's digest
When a man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday, she replied, “I’d love to be six again.” So, the morning of her birthday, he served her a bowl of Lucky Charms, then took her to a local theme park. They rode all the rides: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster. For dinner, he took her to a burger place and ordered hamburgers, fries and chocolate shakes. Then it was off to a movie, where he bought her popcorn, a drink and her favourite candy. Back home, she collapsed into bed exhausted. Her husband smiled at her and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?” Her eyes slowly opened. “You idiot!” she said, “I meant my dress size.”
A motorist was driving in the country when he came upon a priest and a rabbi standing on the shoulder of the road, fishing. Next to them was a sign: TURN AROUND. THE END IS NEAR. The motorist didn’t like to be preached to, so he rolled down the window and yelled, “Mind your own business, you religious nuts!” A few seconds later the two fishermen heard tires screech, then a splash. The rabbi turned to the priest and said, “I told you we should’ve just written, ‘Bridge Out.’ ”
In a recent phone survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities they live in are noisier now than they were five years ago. The other 40 percent didn’t hear the question.
Two engineers with identical qualifications applied for the same job. To decide who to hire, the firm gave them a test. Each missed only one question. A manager called one candidate and said, “We’re going with the other applicant.” “Why? We both got nine out of ten questions right,” said the reject. “Our choice isn’t based on the correct answers, but on the question you both missed,” said the manager. “How could one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the applicant inquired. “For question No.5, the other guy put down, ‘I don’t know.’ You wrote, ‘Neither do I.’ ”
One day a wealthy 75-year-old man was shopping in an upscale boutique with his young knockout wife when he ran into an old buddy of his. Eyeing the curvy blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the acquaintance asked, “How on earth did an old geezer like you land a wife like that?” The old man whispered back, “It was easy. I told her I was 90.”
The devout cowboy lost his Bible while mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying his Bible in its mouth. The cowboy took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the cow. “Your name’s written inside the cover.”
_____________
I'll stop typing all these out since frankly it just takes up too much of my time and as I think you can get them online from the RD website anyways. So from now on, I will only post the jokes I personally write or will translate the good ones I find from one of the sites I happened to come across one good day. That will save me some time and will save you some time reading.
Now, I'll get going to train for awhile.
Good day folks.
When a man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday, she replied, “I’d love to be six again.” So, the morning of her birthday, he served her a bowl of Lucky Charms, then took her to a local theme park. They rode all the rides: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster. For dinner, he took her to a burger place and ordered hamburgers, fries and chocolate shakes. Then it was off to a movie, where he bought her popcorn, a drink and her favourite candy. Back home, she collapsed into bed exhausted. Her husband smiled at her and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?” Her eyes slowly opened. “You idiot!” she said, “I meant my dress size.”
A motorist was driving in the country when he came upon a priest and a rabbi standing on the shoulder of the road, fishing. Next to them was a sign: TURN AROUND. THE END IS NEAR. The motorist didn’t like to be preached to, so he rolled down the window and yelled, “Mind your own business, you religious nuts!” A few seconds later the two fishermen heard tires screech, then a splash. The rabbi turned to the priest and said, “I told you we should’ve just written, ‘Bridge Out.’ ”
In a recent phone survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities they live in are noisier now than they were five years ago. The other 40 percent didn’t hear the question.
Two engineers with identical qualifications applied for the same job. To decide who to hire, the firm gave them a test. Each missed only one question. A manager called one candidate and said, “We’re going with the other applicant.” “Why? We both got nine out of ten questions right,” said the reject. “Our choice isn’t based on the correct answers, but on the question you both missed,” said the manager. “How could one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the applicant inquired. “For question No.5, the other guy put down, ‘I don’t know.’ You wrote, ‘Neither do I.’ ”
One day a wealthy 75-year-old man was shopping in an upscale boutique with his young knockout wife when he ran into an old buddy of his. Eyeing the curvy blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the acquaintance asked, “How on earth did an old geezer like you land a wife like that?” The old man whispered back, “It was easy. I told her I was 90.”
The devout cowboy lost his Bible while mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying his Bible in its mouth. The cowboy took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the cow. “Your name’s written inside the cover.”
_____________
I'll stop typing all these out since frankly it just takes up too much of my time and as I think you can get them online from the RD website anyways. So from now on, I will only post the jokes I personally write or will translate the good ones I find from one of the sites I happened to come across one good day. That will save me some time and will save you some time reading.
Now, I'll get going to train for awhile.
Good day folks.
yudansha
TheGreatOne
the Twinkies project
This site subjects Twinkies to the most, uh, rigorous scientific tests imaginable to determine exactly what they can and cannot withstand.
It's very funny, and you'll get even more laughs if you read all of the experiments.
http://www.twinkiesproject.com/
Time well wasted.
This site subjects Twinkies to the most, uh, rigorous scientific tests imaginable to determine exactly what they can and cannot withstand.
It's very funny, and you'll get even more laughs if you read all of the experiments.
http://www.twinkiesproject.com/
Time well wasted.
tora
Funmaker
A bit of fun here once again.
Try this-just append ".mirror.sytes.org" to any URL and watch the fun! For e.g. instead of www.steven-seagal.net , try http://www.steven-seagal.net.mirror.sytes.org/
Roll your eyes all over
Try this-just append ".mirror.sytes.org" to any URL and watch the fun! For e.g. instead of www.steven-seagal.net , try http://www.steven-seagal.net.mirror.sytes.org/
Roll your eyes all over
- Status