Laughter is the best medicine!

[Amos Stevens]

Married jokes

I'm going to have to fake these here-someone told me these last night....

This couple just got married & the husband told his wife there are rules..he will go out every night-as long as he wants-whenever he wants-doing whatever he wants. He will do this/that..blah blah,does she have any comments. She said no-but she has a rule as well-every night there will be sex in that house at 7pm whether he's there or not

------------------
Couple got into a fight & he yelled at his wife that she was even horrible in bed & he stormed out & left. Feeling bad for his words he called her & it took her a while to answer the phone, when she did he asked her why it took so long for her to answer-she said she was in bed. He said so early-she said yes,she was getting a 2nd opinion!
-----------------
This couple had 6 kids but the wife hated for her husband to call her "mother of 6" but one night at a dinner party he was ready to leave to he yelled over to his wife-hey "mother of 6 are you ready to leave" she being upset over his use of words replied,"no father of 4 I'm not"

 

[Storm]

Good ones Amos. I'm glad you liked the python one Heather.
"Barium: What doctors do when patients die." Classic! What exactly is a redneck anyway?
What do you call a Russian missing *one* vital part of his body?
Ivor Bolokov!

 

[KATHYPURDOM]

Thank you everyone for these. It put a smile on my face and I really needed it tonight.

 

[Serena]

Diamonds aren't my best friend.
Could be a rhinestone, for all I know.

 

[katw_03]

Thanks Serena!

Diamonds aren't my best friend.
Could be a rhinestone, for all I know.

Loved the first one of the diamond sayings.......
Kinda reminds me of someone!

 

[Serena]

NO PUN INTENDED--(But groans are allowed. )

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they named him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars.

A woman marries a traveling salesman. He's a nice guy, but he's never at home She is very lonely, so she decides to have him cloned. This way, when the original is gone, the clone can take his place. The clone turns out to be an exact copy, except for one thing. He curses all the time. Finally, she can stand no more, so she pushes him down an elevator shaft to this death. The District Attorney couldn't arrest the woman for murder since the clone was not a true human and finally charged the woman with making an obscene clone fall.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

[Serena]

HOW TO BE ANNOYING: Part 2:

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

type only in lowercase.

don t use any punctuation either

 

[ORANGATUANG]

Heard this joke tonight..The seven dwarf's all got into the spa and were "feeling" happy- then happy got out...

 

[tora]

Go to HELL!!!

An Indian dies & goes to hell. There he finds that
there is a different hell for each country.He goes
first to the German hell & asks "What do they do
here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair
for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for
another hour. Then the German devil comes in & whips
you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he
moves on. He checks out the US hell as well as the
Russian hell & many more. He discovers that they are
all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell & finds that there
is a very long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair
> > for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails
for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in
& whips you for the rest of the day."

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells
why are there so many people waiting to get in?

"Because maintanence is so bad that the electric
chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails
from the bed, & the devil is a former Govt servant, so
he comes in, signs the register then goes to the
cafetaria..."

 

[Martina Taft]

No actually the best medicine is penicillin. See more at http://www.who.org

 

[yudansha]

A day in the life of a Systema trainee:

A few funny photos I found while browsing through some martial arts seminars.

1. Rambo who?
2. The after-effect of vodka.

 

[tora]

How to keep a blonde busy for half an hour?
Give her a piece of paper with a note "Turn me over" on both sides.

 

[Amos Stevens]

This was sent to me:

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.


I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.



I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"



He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.


So I called him a piece of dog droppings. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.



Personally, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.

 

[Serena]

That's a good one, Amos!


Just in time.

 

[Isa Marie]

Who can resist this smile...and doesn't laugh, eh? Impossible !! LOL

 

[Serena]

Who can resist THIS smile?

An orangutan and its baby peer from behind the glass of their enclosure in the Moscow zoo, November 18, 2004. The Moscow zoo was founded in 1864 and now has a collection of 6,094 animals of 1,001 species.

 

[Isa Marie]

Too lovely Serena !!

Those monkeys are worthy of a big kiss: Who can resist a kiss like this, from so sexy lips, eh? LOL .

Thank you for your post. I liked !!

 

[tora]

This was sent to me:

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.


I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.



I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"



He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.


So I called him a piece of dog droppings. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.



Personally, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.

LOL,Amos Loooooool

 

[Storm]

Guy brings his dog in a bar. "A pint for me and a triple whiskey for the dog".
Next day he sees dog looking all bedraggled and swaying on 4 legs.
"How are you boy?" he asks.
............."Ruff!"

 

[tora]

Get Off...

...the best remedy against mosquitoes