Clean jokes for a dirty world

[Anneliese]

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there
is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't
heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt
in the mirror I will think,
“Good grief, look how smart I am!”

Must be where “Smart Ass” came from!

 

[Anneliese]

The Dentist Visit


The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing.. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

 

[cathleen_jones@yahoo.com]

with time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there
is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't
heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today, when i look at my butt
in the mirror i will think,
“good grief, look how smart i am!”

must be where “smart ass” came from!

:d:d:d

cool!

 

[cathleen_jones@yahoo.com]

The Dentist Visit


The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing.. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."



The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

Gooood!

 

[cathleen_jones@yahoo.com]

Auction

Human brains are for sale. A client comes and targeting two brains. Asks about prices. Seller says: this one is 25, the other one is 500. The client asks: how is it possible there is such a great price difference?
- The 25 is of a female, the 5oo is of a male.
Client: Is there such a great difference?
Seller:
- yeah because the female's is used, but no one of the male's.

hahahahahahhh

 

[Anneliese]

Auction

Human brains are for sale. A client comes and targeting two brains. Asks about prices. Seller says: this one is 25, the other one is 500. The client asks: how is it possible there is such a great price difference?
- The 25 is of a female, the 5oo is of a male.
Client: Is there such a great difference?
Seller:
- yeah because the female's is used, but no one of the male's.

hahahahahahhh

Hahahahahaha!!LOL Kat

 

[Anneliese]

INVOLUNTARY MUSCLE CONTRACTIONS
>>>
>>>
>>> A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscle
>>> contractions' to his first- year medical students.
>>> Realizing
>>> this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
>>> decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young
>>> woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your
>>> ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
>>>
>>>
>>> She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his
>>> buddies.'
>>>
>>> It took 45 minutes to restore order in the
>>> classroom...

 

[Anneliese]

Girlie Wisdom!

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but she doesn't really care..

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends..

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my panties.

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

12.. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

 

[Anneliese]

One frog says to another:
-Are you indisposed?

And the other answers:

-No!!! Why are you always asking me that?

The first frog says:

-You always look so green!!...

 

[Anneliese]

WALMART INTERVIEW

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm.....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply..
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Ole, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Ole replied, 'After hearing da udder three answers, it's obvious to me dat the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Yah shure', said Ole . 'You see, da other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for DA bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON DA LIGHT, I had already pooped my pants.'

Ole is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

 

[Irishgirl]

funny! LOL

 

[Anneliese]

funny! LOL

Thanks girl!!

 

[Anneliese]

LADY'S YEARLY EXAM

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.


The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.


The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.


The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed! 'When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.

 

[cathleen_jones@yahoo.com]

Two Polish hunters from Cleveland hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only two moose.

The two Poles objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded..

Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stanisilaw asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?"

Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."


.....oh Geez....

 

[cathleen_jones@yahoo.com]

Still da pasta is the best!!!!!!!!

 

[Anneliese]

Two Polish hunters from Cleveland hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only two moose.

The two Poles objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded..

Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stanisilaw asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?"

Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."


.....oh Geez....

Good one Kat!!

 

[Anneliese]

Holy Prostitutes


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. ...

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by the Superior in a long brown habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The Superior stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and a Sister in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door, who says 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:



GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

 

[Anneliese]

A blonde shopper wanted a pair of alligator shoes but was shocked at the prices and, try as she might, she could not flirt her way to a discount. Frustrated, the blonde declared, 'Well, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'


The shopkeeper laughed as the blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled and finally managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she yelled in frustration. ....


'CRAP!
THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

 

[cathleen_jones@yahoo.com]

good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[cathleen_jones@yahoo.com]

Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE LADIES, TWO YOUNG AND THE OTHER, A SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE 1st YOUNG ONE PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.' '

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG LADY LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED,
'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE BY THE OTHER TWO SHE DECIDED SHE MUST DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE TOILET AND RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER........

THE OLD GIRL SMILED AND FINALLY SAID.........
'WELL,YOU LOOK AT THAT.......I'M GETTING A FAX!!! '




When you stop laughing, send this to those who will appreciate

that a good laugh is a wonderful thing !


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