cathleen_jones@yahoo.com
Katalin
very good...thank you!
Clean jokes for a dirty world
- Thread starter Anneliese
- Start date
SeagalMovieFan
Member
Great one. Really great.
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
Girl’s getaway weekend
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girl’s getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials etc.
Two days before they are leaving, Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.
Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long have you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you come?"
"Well, I've been here since last night.......yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who?"
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit! He took my hand and led me into the bedroom.
The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles burning and rose petals scattered..........on the bed he had handcuffs and ropes.
He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did.
And then he said, "Now you can do whatever you want"
So tadaa - here I am.
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girl’s getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials etc.
Two days before they are leaving, Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.
Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long have you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you come?"
"Well, I've been here since last night.......yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who?"
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit! He took my hand and led me into the bedroom.
The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles burning and rose petals scattered..........on the bed he had handcuffs and ropes.
He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did.
And then he said, "Now you can do whatever you want"
So tadaa - here I am.
ORANGATUANG
Wildfire
Hmmmm handcuffs and ropes huh? kinky ..have to have alot of rope and huge handcuffs for some one i had in mind ..( : any who thanks Anneliese got any more girl..
cathleen_jones@yahoo.com
Katalin
I missed you so much, girl!
cathleen_jones@yahoo.com
Katalin
and hahahahahahahah.............
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
HOW TO SELL ... MOUTHWASH
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"
"Mouthwash," said Little Johnny.
"Mouthwash," echoed the teacher,
"How could you possibly sell enough mouthwash to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!"
Then I would say, "It is dog ****. Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something ****ty that they say is good, and then making you pay to get the ****ty taste out of your mouth."
The teacher was speechless. . . . . . . .
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"
"Mouthwash," said Little Johnny.
"Mouthwash," echoed the teacher,
"How could you possibly sell enough mouthwash to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!"
Then I would say, "It is dog ****. Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something ****ty that they say is good, and then making you pay to get the ****ty taste out of your mouth."
The teacher was speechless. . . . . . . .
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
LIVING WILL
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
They are SO on my **** list ...
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
They are SO on my **** list ...
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea
and
start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't
swallow
until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.
Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I
swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
:
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea
and
start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't
swallow
until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.
Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I
swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
:
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree..
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.. ...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . ... . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . .. .having money.
At age 50 success is . ... having money.
At age 70 success is . . .. having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
Have a wonderful day with many ! *smiles*
Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short.
Dance naked. woo-hoo!
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree..
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.. ...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . ... . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . .. .having money.
At age 50 success is . ... having money.
At age 70 success is . . .. having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
Have a wonderful day with many ! *smiles*
Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short.
Dance naked. woo-hoo!
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
Holy Prostitutes'
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you ! my son? '
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you ! my son? '
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
Irishgirl
Active Member
Anneliese;203891 said:LIVING WILL
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
They are SO on my **** list ...
What a waste of good wine. LOL
cathleen_jones@yahoo.com
Katalin
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went.
*My engaged friend*:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
*The mistress:*
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and a mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
*Then I had to share my story:*
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went.
*My engaged friend*:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
*The mistress:*
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and a mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
*Then I had to share my story:*
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"