Did the unthinkable (my Aikido journey)

tenshinaikidoka

Martial Art Student
I would just hope you don't get too hung up on the rank thing TD, it is not a complete picture of who the person is. Rank is sometimes given for different reasons than ability. Some 6th Dans might not be able to handle shodans. I have seen Godans that couldn't get themselves out of a wet paperbag and I have seen Shodans that looked like seasoned Shihans. It is all perspective and attitude. I agree women are given a bad rap in many respects especially the awarding of rank in martial arts. But, ultimately, let the technique and teaching speak for itself.
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
It's all speculation at my end of the scale, anyhow. I'll never make shodan myself, but I love watching others progress.
 

Aikilove

Old member aikidoka
Well frankly TD, that kind of attitude will not help at all!

"I'll never make shodan myself"...

Have faith man! or you'll never achieve anything.
I'm aware that I'll probably never reach the skill level of Yamada or Isoyama etc, but I'll never stop striving to be better than Morihei Ueshiba himself!

Grades... schmades!

/J
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
I'm just being realistic. I'm planning to go as far as I can as long as my body holds out. I started too late in life to get very far, and it's taking me longer than most people just to get through the early stages. And, don't forget, I already have arthritis which is affecting my movement, and osteoporisis is a distinct possibility as well.

Everything at the moment is what I can do "right now". I'm not overly concerned with tomorrow, except in trying to keep up my forward momentum as much as possible.
 

Littledragon

Above The Law
TDWoj said:
I'm just being realistic. I'm planning to go as far as I can as long as my body holds out. I started too late in life to get very far, and it's taking me longer than most people just to get through the early stages. And, don't forget, I already have arthritis which is affecting my movement, and osteoporisis is a distinct possibility as well.

Everything at the moment is what I can do "right now". I'm not overly concerned with tomorrow, except in trying to keep up my forward momentum as much as possible.


The more you think like that, the more you are holding yourself back. Liberate your mind, be free and confident. Don't make stupid statements like that, if you want it that bad nothing NOTHING will hold you back.
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
Aikido is a journey, not a race towards a specific destination. I am on MY journey in aikido, and where it will go and how long I will last while on that journey is unknown. I only know what I can do today. Seeking to attain an unrealistic goal is far more harmful than understanding one's limitations and working within them, to stretch them without breaking myself irrevocably.

Don't you dare impose your values on me, Littledragon. You don't know what I want, what I'm capable of achieving, or what I'm getting out of aikido. You don't even know what aikido is, what it truly means, at its spiritual heart. With you, it's always about being the best, being on top, beating up your opponent, being number one. Aikido is none of those things. I am none of those things.

Learn a little humility. And don't presume to lecture people on subjects you know nothing about.
 

tenshinaikidoka

Martial Art Student
Well, if I may interject. TD Aikido is a journey, you are right! But it is also about harmony, peace and love. I think you should set a goal and do what you can to achieve it, no matter what. Truth is, noting worth having is given to you (usually) and this is also true in Aikido and every martial art for that matter. Hard work, dedication and a proper attitude are what is needed.

An example is my father. The guy started training at my request, and he is now glad he did because he absolutely loves it. He has been training for over a year, however he has only progressed one kyu level. He doesn't care however because one, he knows it will take him a little longer to attain his goals and he is ok with that. Two, well, he is also older and his body demands he go easier on it than some of the younger people. He still does good Aikido though, and he now takes breakfalls with the best of them.

My point is have the proper attitude and reach your goals do not assume because you are "too old" or ""started to late" that you cannot get to a certain point, it will jsut take you longer. And lashing out at LittleDragon, well, to me seemed a little snippy. I like everyone on this board because we all have different points of view. Doesn't mean I agree with everyone, but I never will, nor will I be a greed with all the time either. If you truly are seeking a way in Aikido, perhaps you should do some self reflection on who you are and what you are truly striving for. My humble opinions only!!!!
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
I think everyone is misunderstanding what I am saying; only I don't know how to put it any more plainly.

I don't set myself impossible goals because that is a sure fire way not to attain them. I can only ask of myself what's reasonable, what I can reasonably do. That means I don't know how far I will go in aikido. I have physical limitations that will make it absolutely impossible for me to progress beyond a certain point. Right now I don't know what that point is.

I realise they make exceptions for people with physical limitations; mine, on the face of it, seem easily surmountable. "Oh, you'll get more flexible with time." Well, no, I won't. I had a bone scan done recently which clearly shows I have deformities in my bones, particularly around the joints. The joints will NEVER become more flexible because it is mechanically impossible for them to do so. That is a real, inescapable limitation. It is what is preventing me from doing ukemi properly at present, because I simply cannot bend my ankles or my knees enough to get close enough to the mat to roll safely. And I never will.

"You can do it if you put your mind to it" was probably the most offensive thing anyone could have said to me, because it doesn't matter how much "mind" I put to it, I am physically incapable of doing some of the most basic things in aikido. Will the judges let me progress with these limitations? Maybe. I hope they do. Do I have any expectations that I'll be able to improve beyond a certain point? No, I do not. Do I know what that certain point is? No. So, at the moment, the possibilities are limitless, except as far as my physical limitations act to prevent.

That's why I am saying I do this on a day to day basis, without expectations of how much I can achieve. If I get through today, without hurting myself, with a little improvement in speed, maybe, or the learning of a technique, I consider that an achievement. Then I go to the next class, and see what happens there.

For this I am accused of making "stupid statements" and exhorted by someone who doesn't know what he's talking about to set impossible goals for myself which will only succeed in making me frustrated and angry when I fail to achieve them.

I am finding my own way in aikido. I don't understand why people are not respecting that. I can use and very much appreciate all the encouragement people have given me, especially on those days when I don't have a good class. However, telling me I must set goals that I know have insurmountable obstacles towards achievement is one way to guarantee I'll fail; and I have to wonder why people are so eager to force me into guaranteed failure.

Today, I hope to do well. Tomorrow, I hope to do a little better. I don't look beyond that because this has become very important to me, too important to risk disappointment when I fail because I am physically incapable of achieving impossible goals.
 

Nick

The Writer
Party A was the one that initially fired the first shot. The first remark. All that Party B did was retort in the same manner. As far as I am concerned, what Party A did was with intent to harm and well got harmed.

The Site has been quite lately but it seems to be picking up activity. I do not see why we have to have fights. Nothing better to do? TD is a fine Moderator, a fine woman, and she doesn't visit the Site all that often. I don't see why she needs to see such attacks when she does.

People left the Site because of certain individuals and believe me TD wasn't on that list.
 

shihonage

New Member
I fully agree with what you're saying TDWoj. "Oh, you'll get more flexible with time." My ASS.

You have to adapt your Aikido to the rigid limits that your body imposes on you, to a degree that it is possible. It is possible that at some technique you just never will be able to achieve proper extension or whatnot, not because you don't know how to do them, but because you can't do them all the way.

And thats OKAY. Aikido is an art rich with techniques and there will always be ones that you will learn to do very well. Also, your Sensei will see by your other techniques that you have a firm grasp in the principles, which is what really matters.

"You can do it if you put your mind to it" is a crock of ****. It's always easy to pretend to be Jesus Christ and encourage people from distance. Personally I'd rather people didn't do that. In this case, its not encouragement, its a patronization, as it implies that you AREN'T putting your mind to it right now.

I have to reiterate TDWoj, what you're doing is very good just by the mere fact that you're doing it and enjoying it. If we can't enjoy what we do, it is all for nothing. Also, our technique evolves faster when we are having fun.

Mr. Ueshiba said that the training should be done in a joyful atmosphere. O Sensei also was once asked by a student about getting "hard training". He responded - "You want hard ? Try eating for 2 hours in a row."
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
Thank you, shihonage. I wish I had read your post before I went to class tonight. I probably would have been in a better frame of mind. I was so depressed I couldn't do anything at all (and matters were made worse by the fact that we were doing two techniques I absolutely hate - suwari waza and nikkyo. And I'm still feeling very weak from a bad bout of the flu.

That's what was bugging me - being patronised by a 17-year-old kid.

Fffffft.
 

Littledragon

Above The Law
TDWoj said:
Thank you, shihonage. I wish I had read your post before I went to class tonight. I probably would have been in a better frame of mind. I was so depressed I couldn't do anything at all (and matters were made worse by the fact that we were doing two techniques I absolutely hate - suwari waza and nikkyo. And I'm still feeling very weak from a bad bout of the flu.

That's what was bugging me - being patronised by a 17-year-old kid.

Fffffft.


Patronised, I was trying to encourage you and give you positive words of encouragement, I feel real sorry for you, I really do.
 

Nick

The Writer
The word "stupid" stood out in a negative light. Unless we live in the world where everything is opposite. Stupid actually means great. TD is an older woman who can somehow get through life without mine or yours helpful hints. If she is going to listen to anyone it would be someone older and she would be right in that. TD needed feedback from someone who had more worldly knowledge. Even as her friend I am not there teaching her about life because at 19 what can I teach her. I am curious what you could at 17.

TD cheer up everything is going to be ok :) Flue will eventually disappear and those moves with time, through perhaps not perfectly, you will get a hang of. And even if you won't well so what? You feel better just going to class. That's all that counts. You are not there to win medals :)
 

Littledragon

Above The Law
Nick said:
The word "stupid" stood out in a negative light. Unless we live in the world where everything is opposite. Stupid actually means great. TD is an older woman who can somehow get through life without mine or yours helpful hints. If she is going to listen to anyone it would be someone older and she would be right in that. TD needed feedback from someone who had more worldly knowledge. Even as her friend I am not there teaching her about life because at 19 what can I teach her. I am curious what you could at 17.

TD cheer up everything is going to be ok :) Flue will eventually disappear and those moves with time, through perhaps not perfectly, you will get a hang of. And even if you won't well so what? You feel better just going to class. That's all that counts. You are not there to win medals :)

Im 17 with 13 years of experience in the Martial Arts, SO FAR.
 

Nick

The Writer
Thanks for capitalizing my eyes are really that bad ;) Said Nick sarcastically but not maliciously. I knew that already. But what you did wasn't exactly real advice. It sounded almost like what parents say to their kids "Honey you can be the President of United States". shihonage spoke the truth when he said the following:

"You can do it if you put your mind to it" is a crock of ****. It's always easy to pretend to be Jesus Christ and encourage people from distance. Personally I'd rather people didn't do that. In this case, its not encouragement, its a patronization, as it implies that you AREN'T putting your mind to it right now."

TD isn't capable of achieving everything. And she will never achieve everything. But she isn't trying to. And she isn't giving up either. She just said she couldn't do certain things and no moral support will change that. She started late, and she certainly like every human being has her pains and aches etc She is just doing it for the joy of it and until her body allows her to do it. But there will come a time when she has to stop and no bleachers type cheering you hear in high school will change that.

Anyways I have real work to do. TD is probably already writing. Playground arguments can wait.
 

tenshinaikidoka

Martial Art Student
Well, since I have done martial arts since the age of 10 (now 32) I would say I have some "worldly" experience with regards to the martial arts. I know I never was putting TD down or being in any way negative. In reading the other posts I do not see how others were as well. Positive attitude is needed, and I think that is what we were trying to get across.

And when someone says "Put your mind to it" is that being negative. If you do not set certain ATTAINABLE goals, sometimes people loose focus. I teach my students to set goals, why? Because it is something to strive for. But we have to be realistic in goals. Sometimes physical limitations dictate that certain skills cannot be taught or done. This is a reality and a sensei should be able to allow the person to progress while allowing for certain things to be looked over.

When training, I feel people think too much and act too little. Practise "mushin no shin" (mind no mind, or way of no mind).

Anyway, TD is well on her way to a great martial arts career, and if she cannot do something then she cannot do something. But, we should not downgrade her nor anyone else for putting there OPINIONS on here when I feel we all were trying to give encouragement not discouragement. If it is taken at that, then perhaps some posters have different motives for twisting the words around to suit their needs or wants.
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
Thanks, Tenshin.

Class was not great today, but I managed to get through it. The last thing we did was an exercise in standing kokyodosa, which, of course, resulted in uke being thrown into a forward roll. Whatever I was doing last weekend has completely left me; I couldn't do a single forward roll. It was humiliating, not to mention it screwed up the rhythm for nage. At least I didn't screw it up too badly when it was my turn to be nage.

As the business going on here - I appreciate the support and encouragement especially from those who understand - and accept - that I have limitations I have to work within.

I have bad days. I had one today. I haven't quit yet.
 

tenshinaikidoka

Martial Art Student
Hey, sometimes brainlocks happen to all of us. I for some reason, a week ago, could not perform a tenchinage. My hands wouldn't take the balance of uke, and my irimi was something to be desired. My ma ai was off to say the least and I felt pretty darn stupid since I have done this a thousand times.

Just remember it happens to all of us. We can do something great one time and then, all of a sudden, well, it leaves us and we are trying to understand where it went and why it wasn't there. Brain farts happen, I tend to have them more and more, but keep pluggin on.

And never give up. You get knocked down, get up and do it again and again. Do not try, just do!!!!!!!!!! That is very important, especially in Aikido, since it is a martial art that takes a little longer to gain proficiency in than many other arts.
 

Aikilove

Old member aikidoka
Wow, I have been away for two days...
TD, I partly feel responsible, for the last days negative feelings here.
You know that I never mean anything negative in what I write you here. Sometimes, however I feel I need to be more frank to you when I feel you're stuck in a position I've seen soooo many time in the dojo.
Someone says "I can't do this because..." or "I will never be able to do that, because..." and some of them plainly stop, because they realy thought that it was true.
I've said it before and and I'll say it again.
There is no yesterday, tomorrow, can't, won't or try etc. in aikido... Only here and now.
But that also mean that here and now you do your techniques and polish your skill and strive towards the sky. Then you don't succeed, but do it all over again until you die...

(And don't forget to smile doing it!)

/J
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
No worries, aikilove. I was just having a bad week, and Littledragon's comment irked me.

I went to free practice today, determined to work on my forward rolls, ended up instead partnering with a newbie who was practicing for her 6th kyu.

Discovered that a lad who had started four months after I did is being fast-tracked and will be skipping the sixth kyu (beginner's) test and go right to 5th kyu, after only 40 days of practice (total, since he started). This guy is already doing breakfalls and is asked on a fairly regular basis to demonstrate techniques with the instructor.

I've never been asked.

I was hoping to take my 5th kyu test in December, but I've lost too many days from work and illness. Consideration for the 120 days it took me to take my 6th kyu will not be given in my case; but super guy after 40 days is jumping straight to 5th kyu.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother.
 

shihonage

New Member
TDWoj said:
Discovered that a lad who had started four months after I did is being fast-tracked and will be skipping the sixth kyu (beginner's) test and go right to 5th kyu, after only 40 days of practice (total, since he started). This guy is already doing breakfalls and is asked on a fairly regular basis to demonstrate techniques with the instructor.

Breakfalls are for emergency situations where the uke is unable to preserve themselves properly without doing one. If uke intentionally lags behind in their response just so they can show off their fancy breakfall, they're needlessly endangering themselves and missing the point.

I've seen many "kyu rank breakfalls enthusiasts" get needlessly injured and then stop going to the dojo for weeks or months. I mildly injured one myself by accident when their head bonked in my knee, back when I was a 5th kyu and they did a flying breakfalls out of kotegaeshi for _no reason whatsoever_, surprising the hell out of me.

It is common for people to strive to learn breakfalls as fast as possible, but doing breakfalls isn't directly linked with doing good ukemi or being a good uke.

Ukemi is not about just learning tricks, it is about being in the now, giving honest attacks with intent to connect and follow through, without getting disbalanced during delivery or throwing yourself. It is about being connected to nage and being a part of this movement, as well as properly following Aikido's ukemi rules for certain techniques.

I've never been asked.

Eventually you will, when it will be observed that you can safely and instinctively do forward rolls.

I was hoping to take my 5th kyu test in December, but I've lost too many days from work and illness. Consideration for the 120 days it took me to take my 6th kyu will not be given in my case; but super guy after 40 days is jumping straight to 5th kyu.

You will meet many "super guys". There's going to be a lot more people who join a lot later than you and speed up through the ranks.

If you keep thinking of the "super guy", it will keep eating at you, and subconsciously affect your attitude toward them and eventually yours and theirs interaction, leading to a higher chance of tension and injury.

You must treat him as another Aikido lesson, one that brings out the demons in us to the light.
I am a 2nd kyu who has been practicing for 6 years. I've seen my share of "super guys" up the wazoo. It always hurts my "pride" a little when I see a new one but then I let it go on the same day. I don't want to lose any sleep over it. Why drive myself crazy over something that has no relevance to my training ?

This is not a competition. Sure, it provides some stimulation to go and actually PREPARE for a test, which is a good thing now and then. But it is not a rank-race. Even if the other student sees it as a race, doesn't mean that you have to validate that.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

It is always difficult to notice benefits to yourself until you stop going and start feeling "crusty" after you try to pick it up again. Things you're taking for granted now will take time for your body to recall. There are negative energies/thoughts/judgements out there that would like it very much if you quit. I wouldn't recommend falling into negative agreement with what they're whispering in your ear. They never do any good, they always lie and impede our progress.
 

Pandora

Member
Good on you for trying TD!!!! I have the same problem as you except I move around a lot running a country store here in NZ. Have you tried exercising in a warm pool? It takes the jarring off the muscles and gets you fit at the same time. I don't think I could roll on the ground though - you are very brave!!!
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
Pandora said:
Good on you for trying TD!!!! I have the same problem as you except I move around a lot running a country store here in NZ. Have you tried exercising in a warm pool? It takes the jarring off the muscles and gets you fit at the same time. I don't think I could roll on the ground though - you are very brave!!!

I don't have any warm pools around here, alas... I can't afford to join a fitness club where they have whirlpool baths, and the local community centre only has very cold pools to swim in. Which I can't afford to join, either.

I tend to sink into my (too shallow) tub after a class, with epsom salts. That usually takes the achiness away. I'm hunting for arnica now to rub on my joints, but again, that's quite costly, and the exchequer at the moment is badly underfunded.

I keep going; I keep trying. I haven't given up yet, though I come close sometimes.
 

TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
shihonage said:
Breakfalls are for emergency situations where the uke is unable to preserve themselves properly without doing one. If uke intentionally lags behind in their response just so they can show off their fancy breakfall, they're needlessly endangering themselves and missing the point.

I've seen many "kyu rank breakfalls enthusiasts" get needlessly injured and then stop going to the dojo for weeks or months. I mildly injured one myself by accident when their head bonked in my knee, back when I was a 5th kyu and they did a flying breakfalls out of kotegaeshi for _no reason whatsoever_, surprising the hell out of me.

It is common for people to strive to learn breakfalls as fast as possible, but doing breakfalls isn't directly linked with doing good ukemi or being a good uke.

Ukemi is not about just learning tricks, it is about being in the now, giving honest attacks with intent to connect and follow through, without getting disbalanced during delivery or throwing yourself. It is about being connected to nage and being a part of this movement, as well as properly following Aikido's ukemi rules for certain techniques.

You will meet many "super guys". There's going to be a lot more people who join a lot later than you and speed up through the ranks.

If you keep thinking of the "super guy", it will keep eating at you, and subconsciously affect your attitude toward them and eventually yours and theirs interaction, leading to a higher chance of tension and injury.

You must treat him as another Aikido lesson, one that brings out the demons in us to the light.

I am a 2nd kyu who has been practicing for 6 years. I've seen my share of "super guys" up the wazoo. It always hurts my "pride" a little when I see a new one but then I let it go on the same day. I don't want to lose any sleep over it. Why drive myself crazy over something that has no relevance to my training ?

This is not a competition. Sure, it provides some stimulation to go and actually PREPARE for a test, which is a good thing now and then. But it is not a rank-race. Even if the other student sees it as a race, doesn't mean that you have to validate that.

I'm just bothered by the fact that he'll be instructing me, once he moves ahead of me in rank, and I'm afraid I won't be able to take his instruction, because I have more experience, even though I'll be at a lower rank.

I think I'm also struggling with the fact that this fellow is young and everything comes easy to him; it's a gift.

It's hard not to be bitter when in my case, I have to work three times as hard as everyone else just to achieve less than a quarter of what others do in the same amount of time; nothing, for me, is a gift. It's all hard work, and by a a combination of bad luck and bad timing, I can't take the 5th kyu test in December and will be forced to wait until the next round of testing, in March.

It is always difficult to notice benefits to yourself until you stop going and start feeling "crusty" after you try to pick it up again. Things you're taking for granted now will take time for your body to recall. There are negative energies/thoughts/judgements out there that would like it very much if you quit. I wouldn't recommend falling into negative agreement with what they're whispering in your ear. They never do any good, they always lie and impede our progress.

It's been a tough week, and my thoughts are all over the place. I've been wrestling with that voice whispering in my ear all day.

Part I:
"This fellow is better than you are because he's young, has a natural athleticism which makes aikido a walk in the park for him."

Part II:
"You, on the other hand, have been handed a crooked body, a lifetime's worth of baggage from an early life of living hell, have had one thing after another denied to you because of shortage of money, all you have is your hard work and dedication, nothing has ever been easy for you, and nothing comes to you despite all the work and dedication you put into your pursuits. Of course he should get ranked before you do."

Part III:
"He is deserving, because life is easy for him; you work hard, therefore you are not deserving."

That's a tough voice not to listen to, and it's been whispering all day.

The only reason I didn't quit yesterday was because I was told by the instructor after class that during the last technique we did, my execution was the best of everyone in the class - even the black belts didn't do it better. I was absolutely solid, absolutely centred.

Ain't that something.
 

shihonage

New Member
TDWoj said:
I'm just bothered by the fact that he'll be instructing me, once he moves ahead of me in rank, and I'm afraid I won't be able to take his instruction, because I have more experience, even though I'll be at a lower rank.

Sensei is the one instructing you. The only real consistent difference in your rank discrepancy will be that the person of lower rank goes as uke first during practice.
Sure some people are known to correct others now and then. You have to feel if the advice the person giving you actual makes sense or is it just something retarded. Are they resisting when you do the technique wrong, to let you feel the right path through it, or are they resisting anything you do, just to show how "superior" they are ?

The latter type of passive-aggressive behavior is not an indication of superior skill. It is an indication of the fact that in a controlled environment with a certain degree of cooperation, anyone can resist anything as long as they know what comes next. This is not honest ukemi.

Aikido practice covers many "potential moments" of a martial encounter. In real life, if you find yourself in a good position for technique X, Y, or Z, you do that technique. If you're set up for X and try to do Z, it will not work.
The uke's work is to simulate whatever "potential moment" you're training for NOW, and give an attack which makes the technique you're practicing most suitable for it.

Is is NOT his job to be a smartass and pretend that he's helping you with practicing for moment X, and then resist, changing his energy for technique N.

I think I'm also struggling with the fact that this kid has had an easy life, and everything has been easy for him. He's a rich kid, had no trouble getting a good education, is a senior financial advisor in a very big firm here in Toronto, wears $1000 suits and drives an expensive sports car. Now he comes to aikido, and in 40 days gets a rank handed to him on a platter, because he's young and everything comes easy to him; it's a gift.

We all have our lessons. I don't want to preach my beliefs on you, but I see this as different souls choosing different degrees of lessons in this life. People who are born into easy lives are choosing easier lessons because they can't handle what you can handle. Or maybe they just had a life like yours and now they're taking a break. But then again thats just what I think, I don't want to push my beliefs on you, feel free to dismiss it as gibberish :)

It's hard not to be bitter when in my case, I have to work three times as hard as everyone else just to achieve less than a quarter of what others do in the same amount of time; nothing, for me, is a gift. It's all hard work, and by a a combination of bad luck and bad timing, I can't take the 5th kyu test in December and will be forced to wait until the next round of testing, in March.

Your skill and attendance is what matters. Ranking is just recognition of that skill. Sure, this may make some things politically awkward between people who are ranked higher but less skilled than you. But it is unavoidable, it is a part of training. It is bound to happen sooner or later, and the only way to deal with it is to make peace with it. Steven Seagal said, "learn to feel what is real". You will feel when the higher ranked guy is genuinely trying to help or just being an ass. Sometimes you will be wrong. Thankfully, there's always Sensei who observes the entire class and will sort it out.

It's been a tough week, and my thoughts are all over the place. I've been wrestling with that voice whispering in my ear all day.

Part I:
"This kid is better than you are because he's young, has a natural athleticism which makes aikido a walk in the park for him, life altogether has been easy for him, he's never had to struggle for anything and that's why everything for him is a gift, handed to him on a silver platter, as if it were his due."

My boss is younger than me and has a bigger salary than me. My cousins are more social than me. My friends are married and I am not. You can always find these thoughts and they will always be there waiting for you, ready to dip you into a bout of pointless depression.

Part II:
"You, on the other hand, have been handed a crooked body, a lifetime's worth of baggage from an early life of living hell, have had one thing after another denied to you because of shortage of money, all you have is your hard work and dedication, nothing has ever been easy for you, and nothing comes to you despite all the work and dedication you put into your pursuits. Of course he should get ranked before you do."

Let him be who he is and do what he does.

Part III:
"He is deserving, because life is easy for him; you work hard, therefore you are not deserving."
That's a tough voice not to listen to, and it's been whispering all day.

Who do you imagine this voice would belong to, if you could conjure up their image ?

The only reason I didn't quit yesterday was because I was told by the instructor after class that during the last technique we did, my execution was the best of everyone in the class - even the black belts didn't do it better. I was absolutely solid, absolutely centred.

I was better than wonder boy. Ain't that something.

Yes, and there will be other days when you'll feel that nothing works. You may think that it is IMPOSSIBLE for your ability to range that widely from a "noob" to a "near black belt", and that the "nothing works" impression is clearly the one that is correct, and the "proficiency" impression was an illusion.
You will be wrong. In Aikido, your physical skill CAN differ extremely widely depending on what mental state you're in. One day you ARE a black belt and the other day you are a stiff board. The goal is to reduce the number of the latter and accept that there always will be bad days. This too, shall pass.

I don't mean to lecture you on this, I am only 28 years old, but I do have an idea of how you feel. I am sure you already know everything I've said here, but I know that during times when I feel lost, I wish there was someone to remind me of these things.
 

Aikilove

Old member aikidoka
Yea, that's something TD! Live on it for a while. You know, you will be landing h
hard (pun intended) many more times, but you will stand up everytime as well.
Maybe life will change for the better. Maybe it won't. Either way, all that is important is that you do your best here and now. And I know you do, TD

Keep it up!

/J
 
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