Laughter is the best medicine (part 2)

[Amos Stevens]

The Birth Order of Children:


Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon
as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as
possible.
3rd baby Your maternity clothes ARE your regular
clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that
last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth
month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes,
color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the
baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are
clean and discard only the ones with the darkest
stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a
frown--you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the
baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old
how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put
it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you
squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it
back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour,
whether they need it or not 2nd baby: You change their
diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others
start to complain about the smell or you see it
sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics,
Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and
the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a
sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you
remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to
call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just
gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be
sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or
hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding
from the children.

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush
the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you
carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct
it from his allowance!!

 

[Lollipop]

You never know who you are chatting with!

 

[Jules]

INSTALLING LOVE

Tech Support: Yes,...how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your perminent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already! It says, "Error Program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My Heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is it normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

 

[Storm]

Good ones all.
Have you heard about viagra eye drops?
They are not much use,but they make you look hard as ****!

 

[Lollipop]

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never
thought about;
Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

 

[Lollipop]

Sanity Test
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a party. His hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor", she asked, "how you detect whether or not an individual is mentally challenged who appears to be completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask them, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The woman thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

 

[ORANGATUANG]

Ok..heres one for you..An baby snake goes up to its mother and asks"are we poisonious"?...The mother snake said"no"..The baby snake said "thank god because i just bit my tongue"....its funny think about it..

 

[Amos Stevens]

Good husband

> Several men are in the locker room of a golf
> club. A cell phone on a
> > bench rings and a man engages the hands free
> speaker-function and
> > begins to talk.
> >
> > Everyone else in he room stops to listen.
> >
> > MAN: "Hello"
> >
> > WOMAN: "Honey, it's me! Are you at the club?"
> > MAN: "Yes"
> > WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this
> beautiful leather coat.
> > It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
> > MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
> > WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
> and saw the new 2005
> > models. I saw one I really liked."
> > MAN: "How much?"
> > WOMAN: "$65,000"
> > MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all
> the options."
> > WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house
> we wanted last year
> > is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
> > MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer,
> but just offer
> > $900,000."
> > WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
> > MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
> >
> > The other men in the locker room are looking at
> him in astonishment.
> >
> > Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone
> this is?

 

[Amos Stevens]

Men and Sensitivity

> Men and Sensitivity
> Eleven people clung to life from a rope that was
> hanging down from a helicopter. Ten were women and
> one was a man. They all decided that one person
> should get off because if someone didn't, the rope
> would break and everyone would die. No one could
> decide who should go.
> Finally, the man gave a touching speech. He
> expounded on how he would freely give up his life to
> save the others because they were women and had
> children and loving husbands waiting for them and
> how they are always giving in to men's desires, and
> not receiving anything in return and sacrificing so
> much for the sake of others.
> When he finally finished speaking, all the women
> clapped.
> The Moral of the story: A man can be sensitive ...
> if he has to.

 

[Lollipop]

> Men and Sensitivity
> Eleven people clung to life from a rope that was
> hanging down from a helicopter. Ten were women and
> one was a man. They all decided that one person
> should get off because if someone didn't, the rope
> would break and everyone would die. No one could
> decide who should go.
> Finally, the man gave a touching speech. He
> expounded on how he would freely give up his life to
> save the others because they were women and had
> children and loving husbands waiting for them and
> how they are always giving in to men's desires, and
> not receiving anything in return and sacrificing so
> much for the sake of others.
> When he finally finished speaking, all the women
> clapped.
> The Moral of the story: A man can be sensitive ...
> if he has to.

Yes we get the moral a man will do anything to save his own hide! Typical male!

 

[Amos Stevens]

If my body were a car

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR



If my body were a car, this is the time I would be
thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and
dents and
scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a
little dull, but
that's not the worst of it. My fenders are too wide
to be considered
stylish They were once as sleek as a little MG; now
they look more
like an old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at
the seams. My
seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts
when Krispy Cremes
opened a shop in my neighborhood!

Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days
are under my
eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course. I have
soooooo many
miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and
seen many
things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored
life
experiences against depreciation?

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially
hard to see things
up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once
was. I slip and
slide and skid and bump into things even in the best
of weather. My
whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel
rate burns
inefficiently. But here's the worst of it--almost
every time I
sneeze,
cough or sputter.....my radiator leaks!

 

[Anneliese]

**************The Cat In The Hat On Aging ****************

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh,my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad-- can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass





Anneliese

 

[Lollipop]

Praying Parrot!

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.

One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''

The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him.

The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot damn!! This is what I've been praying for!!''

 

[Jules]

You know you are getting old when your back goes out more than you do!!!!

 

[Lollipop]

THINGS TO SAY WHEN STRESSED AT WORK! Or ANYTIME

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Un**** you!"

2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing."

4. "Well, aren't we a ****in' ray of sunshine?"

6. "EXCUSE ME.....Do I look like a people person?"

7... "This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting!"

8. "I started out with nothing and still have most of it left."

9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose."

10. "Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?"

11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

13. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable."

15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet. "

17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."

21. "Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done."

22. "Ambivalent? Well, yes and no."

23. "You look like ****. Is that the style now?"

25. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"

26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

27. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."

29. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!"

 

[Jules]

Amos...the birth order of children has alot of truth to it. I have used the car analogy before when talking about the body. I have teased my husband about my hitting forty pretty soon and he will have to trade me in for a newer model! Hey...does that make me a classic?
Lollipop...laughed my tushie off at your jokes. (good, I like having a small butt! )
Anneliese...I have heard that joke on aging...very funny!

Heather...yours would make a good analogy with my kids and being mean to each other. I liked the joke.

 

[Storm]

Check these out..
Don't open the one on the left if easily offended.

 

[Serena]

Check these out..
Don't open the one on the left if easily offended.

LOLOL
Good ones there, Storm. I could really relate to the letter to the Spam Mongers--I've received countless spams just like each of those mentioned in my emails.

And the two bottom ones about Welfare are great! And the dog. LOL No one says "arse" like you Brits.

 

[GlimmerMan]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Kokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.

 

[Storm]

Good one!You could have commented on mine!


Subject: Irish Father



Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5
years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have
you been all this
time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even
a line to let us
know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You
little tramp!
Don't

you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I
became a
prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace
to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom
this luxury fur
coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a
savings account
certificate
for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold
Rolex, and for you
Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition
convertible that's
parked outside
plus a lifetime membership to the Country
Club...(takes a breath)...an
invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on
board my new yacht in
the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad!
.. Sniff,
sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I
thought you said
"a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"


Great motors and things not to do when drunk!