Laughter is the best medicine!
- Thread starter yudansha
- Start date
- Status
Purplelotus1
Active Member
Mason Wanna talk about it
tora
Funmaker
See the guts!
In a ship the Generals of three nations were traveling with their soldiers. They started the topic that whose soldier had more of guts.
The American general called for one of his men and told him to jump down the ship and take a round swimming around the moving ship. The soldier did as he was commanded and the general boasted of by saying "See the guts !"
Now the German general called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds. The soldier did as he was told.
When he came back from the water the German said, "See the guts."
Now the Indian General called out for his most courageous man, Santa and asked him to take five similar rounds.
Santa promptly replied, "Am I your dad`s servant?"
At this the general proudly said "See the guts".
In a ship the Generals of three nations were traveling with their soldiers. They started the topic that whose soldier had more of guts.
The American general called for one of his men and told him to jump down the ship and take a round swimming around the moving ship. The soldier did as he was commanded and the general boasted of by saying "See the guts !"
Now the German general called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds. The soldier did as he was told.
When he came back from the water the German said, "See the guts."
Now the Indian General called out for his most courageous man, Santa and asked him to take five similar rounds.
Santa promptly replied, "Am I your dad`s servant?"
At this the general proudly said "See the guts".
Patriciaqsagie
Patricia
An old Arab lives close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would love to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.
He explains the problem: Beloved son, I am very
sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you helped me and dug up the garden for me.
I love you,
your father
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:
Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. It's
there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you too,
Ahmed
At 4pm the US Army, the Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
Another day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.
Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed
He explains the problem: Beloved son, I am very
sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you helped me and dug up the garden for me.
I love you,
your father
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:
Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. It's
there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you too,
Ahmed
At 4pm the US Army, the Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
Another day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.
Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed
Lollipop
Banned
10 reasons computers must be Males
Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
Patriciaqsagie
Patricia
ATM Machine sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank
is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot
provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver
waiting
behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot
provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver
waiting
behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
tora
Funmaker
Amos Stevens
New Member
Dear Abbey-look out
(this was sent to me)
>
> HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find
> somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
> sports, she should like it that you like sports, and
> she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan,
> age
> 10 No person really decides before they grow up who
> they're going to marry. God decides it all way
> before,
> and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
> -- Kirsten, age 10
> ============================================== WHAT
> IS
> THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the
> best
> age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --
> Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at.
> You
> got to be a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6
> (very wise for his age)
> ============================================== HOW
> CAN
> A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might
> have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
> yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
> ============================================== WHAT
> DO
> YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both
> don't
> want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
> ============================================== WHAT
> DO
> MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun,
> and people should use them to get to know each
> other.
> Even boys have something to say if you listen long
> enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) On
> the first date, they just tell each other lies and
> that usually gets them interested enough to go for a
> second date. ! -- Martin, age 10
> ============================================== WHAT
> WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
> I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would
> call
> all the news- papers and make sure they wrote about
> me
> in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9
> ============================================= WHEN
> IS
> IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam,
> age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
> wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7 The
> rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you
> should marry them and have kids with them. It's the
> right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
> ============================================== IS IT
> BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? I don't know which
> is
> better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going
> to have sex wit! h my wife. I don't want to be all
> grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8 It's better for
> girls
> to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
> clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you
> child)
> ============================================== HOW
> WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET
> MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to
> explain,
> wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8
> ============================================== And
> the
> #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE
> WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if
> she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10
(this was sent to me)
>
> HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find
> somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
> sports, she should like it that you like sports, and
> she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan,
> age
> 10 No person really decides before they grow up who
> they're going to marry. God decides it all way
> before,
> and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
> -- Kirsten, age 10
> ============================================== WHAT
> IS
> THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the
> best
> age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --
> Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at.
> You
> got to be a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6
> (very wise for his age)
> ============================================== HOW
> CAN
> A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might
> have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
> yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
> ============================================== WHAT
> DO
> YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both
> don't
> want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
> ============================================== WHAT
> DO
> MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun,
> and people should use them to get to know each
> other.
> Even boys have something to say if you listen long
> enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) On
> the first date, they just tell each other lies and
> that usually gets them interested enough to go for a
> second date. ! -- Martin, age 10
> ============================================== WHAT
> WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
> I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would
> call
> all the news- papers and make sure they wrote about
> me
> in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9
> ============================================= WHEN
> IS
> IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam,
> age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
> wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7 The
> rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you
> should marry them and have kids with them. It's the
> right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
> ============================================== IS IT
> BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? I don't know which
> is
> better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going
> to have sex wit! h my wife. I don't want to be all
> grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8 It's better for
> girls
> to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
> clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you
> child)
> ============================================== HOW
> WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET
> MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to
> explain,
> wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8
> ============================================== And
> the
> #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE
> WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if
> she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10
Patriciaqsagie
Patricia
A Moral/Ethical Issue
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, in which you will have to make a decision.
You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact... There is chaos around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. This is a flood of major proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper caught in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is showing all its' destructive fury. You see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away with the water and debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly, you know who it is... it's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the most dramatic photos of your life. You can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
Now, here's the question (please give an honest answer).
Would you select color film, or rather go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, in which you will have to make a decision.
You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact... There is chaos around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. This is a flood of major proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper caught in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is showing all its' destructive fury. You see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away with the water and debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly, you know who it is... it's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the most dramatic photos of your life. You can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
Now, here's the question (please give an honest answer).
Would you select color film, or rather go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Jules
Potters Clay
Neither. I would try and rescue him. He is a human being who deserves to be rescued the same as the next person. I don't think anyone who was stuck in that situation would want a photographer debating which type if film to use. It doesn't matter to me if it is Bill Clinton, John Kerry or whomever. It also doesn't matter if you agree or not with what they stand for. If we dehumanize one person who is next? Just like Terri Schiavo. Now that she is dead who is next? my terminally ill grandmother? My legally blind father?
Just a thought.
Just a thought.
Amos Stevens
New Member
Well I would yell & try to get help,and try to find something to throw to him to help him out..but me going in after him would only get us both drowned 
Amos Stevens
New Member
Cat Rules
Cat Rules
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything.
Just sit and stare.
DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room.
To get door open, stand on hind legs and
hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary
to use it. After you have ordered
an "outside" door opened, stand halfway
in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold
weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an
Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug,
shag is good.
When throwing up on the carpet,
make sure you back up so it is as long
as a humans bare foot.
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in
some activity and the other is idle,
stay with the busy one.
This is called "helping,"
otherwise known as "hampering."
Following are the rules for "hampering:"
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left
heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand
a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin,
between eyes and book,unless you can lie
across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much
of the work as possible or at least.
Pretend to doze, but every so often reach
out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of
him/her, be sure to jump on
the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk,
walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen
and then lay in human's lap
across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially:
on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in
the dark, and when they first get up
in the morning. This will help their
coordination skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night
so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick
as much litter out of the box as possible.
Humans love the feel of kitty litter
between their toes.
HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place
where the humans cannot find you.
Do not come out for three to four
hours under any circumstances.
This will cause the humans to panic
(which they love) thinking that you
have run away or are lost.
Once you do come out, the humans will
cover you with love and kisses
and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially
their face, turn around,
and present your butt to them.
Humans love this, so do it often.
And don't forget guests!
Cat Rules
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything.
Just sit and stare.
DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room.
To get door open, stand on hind legs and
hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary
to use it. After you have ordered
an "outside" door opened, stand halfway
in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold
weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an
Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug,
shag is good.
When throwing up on the carpet,
make sure you back up so it is as long
as a humans bare foot.
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in
some activity and the other is idle,
stay with the busy one.
This is called "helping,"
otherwise known as "hampering."
Following are the rules for "hampering:"
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left
heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand
a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin,
between eyes and book,unless you can lie
across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much
of the work as possible or at least.
Pretend to doze, but every so often reach
out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of
him/her, be sure to jump on
the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk,
walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen
and then lay in human's lap
across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially:
on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in
the dark, and when they first get up
in the morning. This will help their
coordination skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night
so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick
as much litter out of the box as possible.
Humans love the feel of kitty litter
between their toes.
HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place
where the humans cannot find you.
Do not come out for three to four
hours under any circumstances.
This will cause the humans to panic
(which they love) thinking that you
have run away or are lost.
Once you do come out, the humans will
cover you with love and kisses
and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially
their face, turn around,
and present your butt to them.
Humans love this, so do it often.
And don't forget guests!
Lollipop
Banned
Mirror, mirror
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to
enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has
happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on
the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright
flash and both his legs fall off.
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to
enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has
happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on
the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright
flash and both his legs fall off.
- Status