Laughter is the best medicine!
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Don't stop now--you're just getting started! 
Amos Stevens
New Member
Women stuff
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Estrogen Issues
10 ways to know if you have them
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
10. You want the window open and it's 40 degrees outside.
Top 10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Estrogen Issues
10 ways to know if you have them
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
10. You want the window open and it's 40 degrees outside.
Top 10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Littledragon
Above The Law
Lollipop
Banned
Will try one more time:
Two neighbors were standing in there front yard talking, one ask the other have you seen any good movies lately? The other replies yes me and my wife saw a good one last week, the neighbor ask, oh yeah what was the name of it?
The neighbor looked like he was thinking hard and ask "what is the name of that red flower women like to get?" The neighbor answered Rose, he said yes that's it and shouted into the house "Rose come out here and tell him the name of that movie we saw last week" :indiffere :indiffere
I thought it was funny, it might all be in the presentation!
Two neighbors were standing in there front yard talking, one ask the other have you seen any good movies lately? The other replies yes me and my wife saw a good one last week, the neighbor ask, oh yeah what was the name of it?
The neighbor looked like he was thinking hard and ask "what is the name of that red flower women like to get?" The neighbor answered Rose, he said yes that's it and shouted into the house "Rose come out here and tell him the name of that movie we saw last week" :indiffere :indiffere
I thought it was funny, it might all be in the presentation!
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK
When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing"good morning" to everyone and you think," Somebody needs to slap the s*** out of her"....
Yo need to pray at work.
When someone comes in and announes" office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think," what the f*** do they want now?".... You need to pray at work.
When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say," which one of you SOB's turned off my computer?"....You need to pray at work.
When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says," well at my last office....", and you want to throw a stapler at him....You need to pray at work.
When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is," what the hell does the b**** want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk.... You need to pray at work.
When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, " both of y'all can kiss my a**!!" You need to pray at work.
When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor and you say" that lazy *******".... You need to pray at work.
When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you thing," sorry a** M#S&%&%$#'s. You need to pray at work.
If you have ever thought about poisioning,choking,punching,slapping or flattening someone's tires that you work with.... You need to pray at work.
If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story.You need to pray at work.
LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS
Needless to say,some days I do at lot of praying at work.
Anneliese
When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing"good morning" to everyone and you think," Somebody needs to slap the s*** out of her"....
Yo need to pray at work.
When someone comes in and announes" office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think," what the f*** do they want now?".... You need to pray at work.
When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say," which one of you SOB's turned off my computer?"....You need to pray at work.
When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says," well at my last office....", and you want to throw a stapler at him....You need to pray at work.
When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is," what the hell does the b**** want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk.... You need to pray at work.
When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, " both of y'all can kiss my a**!!" You need to pray at work.
When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor and you say" that lazy *******".... You need to pray at work.
When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you thing," sorry a** M#S&%&%$#'s. You need to pray at work.
If you have ever thought about poisioning,choking,punching,slapping or flattening someone's tires that you work with.... You need to pray at work.
If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story.You need to pray at work.
LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS
Needless to say,some days I do at lot of praying at work.
Anneliese
LOLOL I thought the same thing you did--a seatbelt, of course.Storm said:What works better when it's pulled hard?
What goes in between a woman's breasts snugly?
A seatbelt of course. What did you think i meant?
Ouch pics and shirts..
Loved the tee-shirts.
Especially the dry skin one. Hated those gross pics.
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
Subject: Mexican Jews
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al" were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.
Sid asked Al, " Are there people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, " I don't know,lets ask our waiter.
When the waiter came by, Al askes him " Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, " I don't know Senor,I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said " No sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't realy satisfied with that and asked, " Are you absolutely sure ?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with " Gringos" gave the expected answer ,"I will check again, Senor" and went back to the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, " I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said," Senor, the head cook says " No Mexican Jews!"
" Are you certain?" Al asked once again, " I cant believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I asked EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter." We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews ???!!!
Anneliese
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al" were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.
Sid asked Al, " Are there people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, " I don't know,lets ask our waiter.
When the waiter came by, Al askes him " Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, " I don't know Senor,I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said " No sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't realy satisfied with that and asked, " Are you absolutely sure ?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with " Gringos" gave the expected answer ,"I will check again, Senor" and went back to the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, " I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said," Senor, the head cook says " No Mexican Jews!"
" Are you certain?" Al asked once again, " I cant believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I asked EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter." We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews ???!!!
Anneliese
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
Midgets are always funny!
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and say's he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.His buddy asks," How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy ask him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly." Nith lookin horth.Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth,can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad at this point the rancher grabs him under the arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing." Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit."?
Anneliese
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and say's he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.His buddy asks," How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy ask him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly." Nith lookin horth.Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth,can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad at this point the rancher grabs him under the arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing." Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit."?
Anneliese
Storm
Smile dammit!
Ha ha Anneliese! Near the knuckle,like my humour.
Two pregnant silkworms gave birth at the same moment. It was a tie! (Geddit?)
1 Doggone it!
2 His eye get's the point.
3 It's only a rubber one,honest!
4 I think he get's the *point* Heh.
5 Self explanatory..
Two pregnant silkworms gave birth at the same moment. It was a tie! (Geddit?
)1 Doggone it!
2 His eye get's the point.
3 It's only a rubber one,honest!
4 I think he get's the *point* Heh.
5 Self explanatory..
Attachments
Jules
Potters Clay
Here is the last installment of 101 of the world's funniest one liners
76)Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
77)Life is too complicated in the morning.
78)We are all part of the ultimate statistic--ten out of ten die.
79)Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
80)Ask me about my vow of silence.
81)The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the sofness of the bread.
82)The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
83)Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
84)If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state.
85)If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
86)If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
87)Stop repeat offenders. don't re-elect them!
88)I intend to live forever. So far so good.
89)Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my disk?
90)What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
91)I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
92)Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
93)I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
94)I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
95)Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
96)Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
97)Evolution: True science fiction.
98)What's another word for "thesaurus?"
99)Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
100)A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
101)I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
76)Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
77)Life is too complicated in the morning.
78)We are all part of the ultimate statistic--ten out of ten die.
79)Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
80)Ask me about my vow of silence.
81)The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the sofness of the bread.
82)The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
83)Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
84)If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state.
85)If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
86)If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
87)Stop repeat offenders. don't re-elect them!
88)I intend to live forever. So far so good.
89)Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my disk?
90)What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
91)I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
92)Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
93)I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
94)I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
95)Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
96)Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
97)Evolution: True science fiction.
98)What's another word for "thesaurus?"
99)Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
100)A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
101)I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
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