Laughter is the best medicine!

[Storm]

>WHY YOU DID NOT BECOME A DOCTOR!
>
>First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
>class with a real dead human body.
>
>They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered
>with a
>white sheet.
>
>The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
>necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.
>
>The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
>human
>body."
>
>For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
>finger in
>the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his
>mouth.
>
>"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
>
>The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
>eventually
>took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and
>sucking on
>it.
>
>When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told
>them,
>"The second most important quality is observation.
>
>I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn
>to
>pay attention."

 

[Littledragon]

Ha ha Anneliese! Near the knuckle,like my humour.
Two pregnant silkworms gave birth at the same moment. It was a tie! (Geddit?)
1 Doggone it!
2 His eye get's the point.
3 It's only a rubber one,honest!
4 I think he get's the *point* Heh.
5 Self explanatory..

LOL Storm those were funny!! Thanks!

 

[Amos Stevens]

California Drivers license application

California Drivers License Application
This is a new Driving Exam. Since driving conditions
(and culture) are
unique to California, you may not have realized that
the California
Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special
Application and
driver's test solely for the California area. 2005
CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S
LICENSE APPLICATION Name: ___________________ Stage
Name:
__________________ Agent: ___________________
Attorney:
____________________ Therapist's Name:
_________________ Sex: [ ] Male [
] Female* [ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female
[ ] Both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______ Will
the size of your
implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor
vehicle in any
way? [ ] Yes [ ] No Please list brand of cell phone:
________. If you
don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:
______________________________________________
(Use extra pages, if necessary)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ]
Blue [ ]
Skinhead [ ]
Other ___________
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your
convenience) [ ]
Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading
Please indicate how many times, while driving, you
expect to: [ ] a)
Shoot at other drivers ___
[ ] b) Be shot at ___
If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should
immediately: [ ] a)
Call the police to report the crime. [ ] b) Call
Channel 9 News to
report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a
high- speed
chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against
cellular phone
company
for your 911 call not going through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.
In the event of an earthquake, you should: [ ] a) Stop
your car. [ ] b)
Keep driving and hope for the best. [ ] c) Immediately
use your cell
phone to call all loved ones. [ ] d) Pull out your
video camera and
obtain footage for Channel 9. In the instance of rain,
you should: [ ]
a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate your current number of therapy
sessions per week:
________
Are you presently taking any of the following
medications? [ ] a) Prozac
[ ] b) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Medical pot
[ ] g) Zoloft
[ ] h) All of the above
[ ] i) None of the above*
* If none, please explain: __________________. Length
of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*
[ ] b) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more
*If less than 1 hour, please explain:
____________________. When stopped
by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and
insurance form
ready.
[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on
the freeway. [ ]
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to
attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit. When you
see a woman driver
with her arm extended out the window, it means: [ ] a)
Her turn-signals
are broken.
[ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to
change lanes. [ ] c)
She is drying her nails.
Which part of your car will wear out first? [ ] a) The
wiper blades
[ ] b) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn
Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] b) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get
in. The "bright"
setting on your headlights is for: [ ] a) Dark, poorly
lit roads [ ] b)
Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way [
] c) Revenge
If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to
complete this test,
you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see,
hear, or move.

 

[Lollipop]

California Drivers License Application
This is a new Driving Exam. Since driving conditions
(and culture) are
unique to California, you may not have realized that
the California
Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special
Application and
driver's test solely for the California area. 2005
CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S
LICENSE APPLICATION Name: ___________________ Stage
Name:
__________________ Agent: ___________________
Attorney:
____________________ Therapist's Name:
_________________ Sex: [ ] Male [
] Female* [ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female
[ ] Both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______ Will
the size of your
implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor
vehicle in any
way? [ ] Yes [ ] No Please list brand of cell phone:
________. If you
don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:
______________________________________________
(Use extra pages, if necessary)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ]
Blue [ ]
Skinhead [ ]
Other ___________
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your
convenience) [ ]
Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading
Please indicate how many times, while driving, you
expect to: [ ] a)
Shoot at other drivers ___
[ ] b) Be shot at ___
If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should
immediately: [ ] a)
Call the police to report the crime. [ ] b) Call
Channel 9 News to
report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a
high- speed
chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against
cellular phone
company
for your 911 call not going through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.
In the event of an earthquake, you should: [ ] a) Stop
your car. [ ] b)
Keep driving and hope for the best. [ ] c) Immediately
use your cell
phone to call all loved ones. [ ] d) Pull out your
video camera and
obtain footage for Channel 9. In the instance of rain,
you should: [ ]
a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate your current number of therapy
sessions per week:
________
Are you presently taking any of the following
medications? [ ] a) Prozac
[ ] b) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Medical pot
[ ] g) Zoloft
[ ] h) All of the above
[ ] i) None of the above*
* If none, please explain: __________________. Length
of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*
[ ] b) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more
*If less than 1 hour, please explain:
____________________. When stopped
by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and
insurance form
ready.
[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on
the freeway. [ ]
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to
attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit. When you
see a woman driver
with her arm extended out the window, it means: [ ] a)
Her turn-signals
are broken.
[ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to
change lanes. [ ] c)
She is drying her nails.
Which part of your car will wear out first? [ ] a) The
wiper blades
[ ] b) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn
Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] b) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get
in. The "bright"
setting on your headlights is for: [ ] a) Dark, poorly
lit roads [ ] b)
Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way [
] c) Revenge
If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to
complete this test,
you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see,
hear, or move.

If I were honest filling out the form, I would not get a license!

 

[Anneliese]

On old farmer went to town to see a movie.The ticket agent asked," Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said," That's my pet rooster Chucky.Wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I' am sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He returned to the booth,bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.The old farmer unbottoned his fly so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge" whispered Mildred.
"What" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
" He undid his pants and he has his thing out," Whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge." Hell at our age we've seen'em all."
"I thought so too," said Mildred." But this one's eatin' my popcorn."


Anneliese

 

[Jules]

PASTA DIET...it really works!

1) you walka pasta da bakery.

2) you walka pasta da candy store

3) you walka pasta da ice cream shop

4) you walka pasta da table and fridge

5) you justa walka and walka

 

[Kaida75]

The Dark Sucker Theory

My roommate's Mom sent this to me....it's too funny....

The Dark Sucker Theory

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit
light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark
Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck
dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There
is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The
larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark
Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they
are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot
on a full Dark Sucker. A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle
has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns
black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you
put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn
black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the
candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their
limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't
handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage
Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or
replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass.
When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat.
Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a
special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through
clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not
wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the
surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were
to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and
darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This
is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the
lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you
were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and
slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the
closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark
leave the closet. This is proof positive that the dark sucker theory is
true.

 

[Storm]

Funny Jules. And good one Kaida too.
Peek at these..

1 Well mannered kid.
2 Well informed kid!
3 Don't read this if easily offended.
4 Mensa candidate..Pt 1

 

[Storm]

And the rest of that quiz..

 

[Jules]

Consultants and Business

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new resturant and noticed that the waiter who took out order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around, saw that ALL the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, the resturants owners hired Andersons Consulting to revamp all our process. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that ALL the waiters has the same string hanging from their flies, so before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string there?"
"Oh certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

 

[Storm]

Nice one Jules.

>>Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
> > > > > >: >>
> > > > > >: >>A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Fancy a motor like this?

 

[Jules]

LMBunsO

Nice one Jules.

>>Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
> > > > > >: >>
> > > > > >: >>A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Fancy a motor like this?

Isn't that the truth!! LOL, LOL.......
(clearing throat.....) Did I just say that?

 

[Jules]

Did I read that sign right?


In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.....PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTURDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING-BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES,ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

nOTICE IN A FARMER'S FIELD:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR-THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

[Lollipop]

Jules, you always have some good ones! I would love to post here but my jokes are not well received!
We could just change one little thing from this post!
Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING-BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES,ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR husband ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

 

[Serena]

Nice one Jules.

>>Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
> > > > > >: >>
> > > > > >: >>A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Fancy a motor like this?

And the only way to get either is by LOTS of practice.

I like the pics, Storm. Especially the pig.
Must be New York. No one's looking!

 

[Serena]

Jules, you always have some good ones! I would love to post here but my jokes are not well received!
We could just change one little thing from this post!
Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING-BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES,ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR husband ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Aww, go easy on your husband, Lollipop.
After all, he was sooo generous for your anniversary.

 

[Lollipop]

Aww, go easy on your husband, Lollipop.
After all, he was sooo generous for your anniversary.

I am sorry!!!

 

[Jules]

Lollipop...are things better between you and your husband? or not?

Mine about had a stroke when he called me at 1 am and found out I was still up because he couldn't call me. ( I was on here just prior to him calling.)

 

[Jules]

My children I think are pretty good kids. Someone sent this to me by email. I thought I would share it for a bit of humor.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!


1) You spend the first two years of your childrens life teaching them to walk and talk. then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2)Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3) Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4) Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5) The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6) We childproof our homes, but they are still getting in.

7)ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

9) If you have la lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "keep away from children"!!!

 

[Lollipop]

4) Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Jules I like these, it took me months to convince my son that a school bus was just a school bus, "he would always say there is a damn school bus" and I know where he got it from!!