A brief update:
Shodan test may not happen.
I was in class and I fell as a result of my partner's action - right down on my tailbone. You may recall my doctor 7 years ago (has it been that long?) said he would allow me to practice only if I never fell straight down on my tailbone.
The person I was practicing with was the big guy who has injured me before. I was nage, doing kotegaeshi. After the initial strike, he stopped attacking and went right into defending; instead of staying on his feet, he threw himself face down onto the floor, striking my leg and trapping my foot under him. When I tried to get my foot out of the way to get into han-mi for stability, he rolled over, trapping both my feet under him. I lost my balance, resulting in the fall.
I should point out that it wasn't just with me that he was doing this: he did this with everyone who was on the mat that day, but because they were all men and stronger and faster than I am, they were able to get the trapped foot out of the way faster.
Since then I've been experiencing a series of symptoms that are becoming progressively worse. Yesterday, I was having spasms in my right leg resulting in the sensation of my leg giving out from under me every time I took a step. This morning, my arms were so weak I couldn't even control the mouse when I sat down at my computer to begin work for the day (it's better now). I'm feeling occasional tingling from my neck down, and the dislocated L4 vertebra in my back seems to have bumped out a bit more, making it painful for me even to do a half back roll during the warm ups. I haven't taken ukemi since the fall, a week ago Sunday.
I went to the doctor yesterday to have an X-ray done. The technician was confident I hadn't broken anything because I was able to lie down on the X-ray table without pain. That might be the only good news.
I am scared silly that this will finish me. I knew I only had a few years left to practice, and for 7 years I've been very careful never to fall down on my tailbone. 3 seconds with this guy as my partner and all that has changed my future in aikido.
The worst part of this whole thing is that this guy refuses to accept his ukemi was what caused me to fall. No one else in the dojo takes ukemi for kotegaeshi like that, not even the new students. He has never taken care to learn 'safety first' either as uke or nage because he refuses to accept instruction; he decided, somewhere along the way, belly-flopping face down on the mat is what the instructor meant when he said 'go with the flow', even though it was pretty clear that this is NOT what the instructor meant.
I've also been on the receiving end of verbal abuse from this guy, the latest taste of which occurred this past Sunday. There has been only one time where there were witnesses to the verbal abuse, which took place a few months ago in front of a group of students who were practicing for their upcoming tests, and they have declined to step forward to speak to my sensei about the tirade he launched at me that day, in front of them, in front of the sensei teaching the class (who, unfortunately, did not have his hearing aid in place and therefore did not hear a lot of what this guy was yelling at me).
He also likes reminding me on a fairly frequent basis I have no business being on the mat, I should quit, I should have quit years ago, he's been giving me (!) all these chances to 'own up to my shit' and he's done being nice to me.
I take a bad fall as a result of actions only he had control over, and he's the victim. I'm still trying to figure that one out.
He's taken to a subversive campaign to psych me out - whenever I wander within earshot of him and he's having a conversation with someone, he'll say things like "I have so much respect for people who know when it's time to quit", or "Aikido is so much more fun when people leave their egos at home" (he accuses me of being egotistical on the mat during his tirades at me, so that's how I know that comment is directed at me).
I don't know what to do. Except for the one time when his verbal abuse of me was done in front of others, the tirades usually happen when there's no one else around, so it's pretty much a 'he said she said' situation. Aside from my very real fear about the long term consequences of this injury (both my physical well being and my continued practice), I have reached a point where I can no longer tolerate being on the receiving end of his tirades and snide asides.
I have spoken to my sensei, but, as I said, it's a 'he said she said' situation and there is nothing that can be done until and unless someone else experiences the same thing, or witnesses come forward.
Right now, I'm just taking my practice one day at a time. I'll avoid taking ukemi until the seminar where I'll be testing and once I'm at the seminar, I'll see where I'm at, both physically and mentally. On the one hand, I don't want to quit because it'll give this guy the satisfaction of knowing he won, that he got his way; on the other hand, I don't want to endanger my physical well being by being stubborn about continuing when the injury could be final and permanent.