Laughter is the best medicine!

[Serena]

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We just took an a$$hole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country was looking for work the next day!"

 

[Serena]

Here's a quick explanation of the movie rating system!

G: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.

R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.

X: Everybody Gets The Girl.

X X X: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.

 

[yudansha]

more, more, and a little bit less

Perfect, Serena that rating system is great (I don't know about that cocker-spaniel, but still funny).

Here's a new prescription: take at least once a day with a maximum of one minute break in between (don't choke).

1. ‘Windows for Dummies’ – Chapter 1: “You should have bought Macintosh.”

2. - Dad, what’s the difference between a young wife and the one who is married for a long time?
- It is only three letters, but the difference is colossal! The young wife takes her clothe off FOR you, but the old one takes her clothe BESIDE you.

3. A man comes to work with a scratched up face and a bruised eye:
- What happened?
- Well, I referred to my wife as ‘you.’
- What do you mean?
- Well, we went to bed, and she’s like, “Honey we haven’t had sex in a long time,” and I say, “What do you mean we? You mean you …”

4. Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? A: Take a foot off his head.

5. A hand that’s used to a shot-glass reluctantly holds a pen …

 

[yudansha]

I'm done for today (sorry :=) but keep your chins up

Nothing divides the poor and the rich like the splash of a passing car...

The worst sign - a black cat breaks a window with an empty bucket.

Нirоshimа '45, Chеrnоbуl '86, Windоws '98.

 

[Amos Stevens]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed

immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your a*s kicked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.

 

[Serena]

Some good ones there, guys!

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You've both got it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."

 

[Serena]

For any one who has ever belonged to an HMO (as I do), you've GOT to appreciate this.

Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked each of them why he should be let into heaven.

The first doctor said "Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work." St. Peter let him in.

The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, "I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free." St. Peter let him in.

The third doctor said, "I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States."

St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, "OK... I'll let you in, but only for three days!"

 

[yudansha]

I said laugh damn it!

1. Among the policemen a test was conducted on their intelligence and quick wits. The purpose of the test: metal plates cut with holes in shapes of squares, circles, triangles, etc. into which, objects of same relative shape were needed to be placed. The results have shown that the workers divided into two groups:
(I) The dumb;
(II) The very strong;

2. - Have you heard that the forward of our league decided to shoot himself?
- And?
- Like always – missed.

3. During a break of the theatrical show: “What attracts the audience to this play?”
- The thing is, that the main female performer changes her outfits many times during the show. This attracts the women. But she changes them right on the stage. This attracts the men.

4. - Where can I find a book on suicides?
- Fifth shelf on the left.
- There are no books there.
- Well nobody actually returns them.

5. A guy says (sadly) on a date with his girlfriend:
- Listen, I think there is a problem in our relationship.
The girl (frightened asks carefully):
- What?
- I forgot (pause …) what your name is.

 

[yudansha]

I didn't hear you laugh!

1. Nothing disgusts women more about the appearance of a man like the absence of money.

2. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decided to go camping. At night, Sherlock Holmes wakes Dr. Watson and asks:
- Watson, look at the sky, and tell me what you see.
- I see a million stars.
- And what does that tell you?
- Well … from the astronomical point of view: it tells me that there exist millions of galaxies and perhaps billions of planets; from the point of view of time, it tells me that it is approximately quarter past three; from meteorological point of view, tomorrow will be a beautiful, sunny day … What does all this mean to you Sherlock?
Holmes remains quiet for a while, and a minute later says:
- Watson somebody stole our tent!

3. - Lady you have a wonderful sweater.
- This is real camel cloth.
- I know, I immediately recognized it by the two humps.

4. This is to all the pig-haters (P.S. I love pork more than beef):
- Hey Winnie tell me, is it true that you have relatives coming but you haven’t prepared the table?
- What Piggy, are you afraid?

5. Two girl-friends talk about the best way of pregnancy prevention.
- Of course the best are a condom or the pill, but the pill is more convenient. It is easier to swallow.

Bonus:
Three men end up at the gates of God, where He decides whether to allow them to go to heaven. The God says: "You all deserve a place in heaven for your contributions to the world, but you will need a form of transportation." To decide how each of the men travels around, God asks each one about the number of times that each has cheated on their wives.
First: 10 times --> gets a Yugo (old square box from Yugoslavia);
Second: 3 times --> gets a Kia (korean piece of ****);
Third: zero times --> gets a Ferrari (Italian masterpiece);
"Holy shit!!! ... no offense your Highness." the two men scream;
The three men meet the next day and the guy with the Ferrari is upset and in a very bad mood. The two men ask:
"Why are you upset? You have a Ferrari, you should be jumping for joy."
Ferrari guy: "Guys I saw my wife yesterday on a skate-board."

 

[yudansha]

variety of genres ... enjoy

1. Wife turns to her husband at the end of a 10 year marriage:
“It used to be that you were happy to see me even for a few moments.”
“Nothing changed” he shouts.

2. Men it’s almost the end of the week – the day after tomorrow is already Wednesday!

3. Who makes blonde jokes?
Brunettes on their lonely weekend nights.

4. Husband and wife sit at a restaurant when the husband cuts the meat and the juice gets on his wife’s blindingly white blouse.
“Bob, look! I look like a pig!”
“Yes I know, and your blouse is dirty too…”

5. (Seriously funny) If you translate the word POTENTIAL and read it backwards, then in Russian, it would say “Oops you have no balls.”

6. “A grasshopper was sitting in the grass, but we didn’t notice him and smoked him too.”

7. Everyone gathers at the circus to see the French speaking pig. The owner runs out with the pig and screams “Parler vous France?” then kicks the pig, and the pig screams, “Ouuuiii!”

 

[yudansha]

lucky 7

1. A guy runs out of the store with watermelons towards the bus, trips, falls, watermelons explode, but the man gets up and continues running after the bus. The passengers can’t help and are dying of laughter, when one woman yells:
“Why are you still running, we are going to piss our pants from laughing?!”
He answers: “And now you will crap your pants as I am the driver of your bus!”

2. A man comes home in no mood what so ever, quickly grabs something to eat, and goes to bed to his wife.
“Honey,” says the wife, “I can’t today.”
“What? Did all of you arrange this for today?”

3. ‘Not every bird can fly across the middle of the ocean, but we can! Welcome to Ukrainian Airlines!’

4. Courtroom:
“Why did you shoot at your hunting colleague?”
“I thought he was a deer.”
“And when did you recognize your mistake?”
“When the deer started shooting back.”

5. (To all you prank callers)
Phone call:
“Hello is this the police?”
“Yes.”
“And this is Bob.”
Hangs up … 5 minutes later:
“Hello is this the police?”
“Yes.”
“And this is Bob.”
Hangs up … 5 minutes later (knocking):
“Hello is this Bob?”
“Yes.”
“And this is the police.”

6. Reporters at an interview with the composer:
“I worked on my composition for three years,” says the composer.
“Why so long,” asks the reporter.
“I kept falling a sleep in the middle.”

7. According to Freud, anything is erotic as long as its length is greater than its diameter.
The second thing that men compare themselves with regard to “who has the smallest …” – is their ping.

 

[tora]

A man came to a gas station and he's being told:
"Since today the gasoline price has increased."
The man replying:
"Okay,then sell me the yesterday's one."

 

[Storm]

Two guys are stranded on a desert island. They are captured by cannibals and put in the cooking pot.
"Please don't eat us" they plead.
"Ok,one of you come out,and go to the jungle. Pick as many grapes as you can and we'll spare you" said a cannibal.
Anyway he went out and came back with a big bunch.
"Now shove them up your bottom,one at a time, or it's back in the pot" said the cannibal,which he proceeded to do.
"Where's my friend,have you eaten him?" he asked.
All the cannibals started laughing.
"No,he's gone to get some coconuts!"
*heh*

 

[Amos Stevens]

From Catlady(aka furrball)

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH
>
> Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
> mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
> "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
>day of
> her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So
>why is
> the groom wearing black?"
>
>
> ##############
>
> A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
>could,
> trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear
>Lord,
> please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
> While she was
> running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her
>clothes
> dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and
>started
> running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord,
>please
> don't let me be
> late...But please don't shove me either!"
>
>
> ###############
>
> Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The
>first boy
> says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
>poem,
> they give him $50."
>
> The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on
>a
> piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
>
> The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few
>words on a
> piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to
>collect
> all the money!"
>
>
> ##############
>
> An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested
>no
> male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
>service,
> she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want
>them
> to take me out when I'm dead."
>
>
> ##############
>
> A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
>had to
> arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
>
>
> ##############
>
> A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
>with
> them to Jerusalem A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby
> sitter."
>
>
> ##############
>
> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
>five
> and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
>father
> and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how
>to
> treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little
>boy
> answered, "Thou shall not kill."
>
>
> #############
>
> At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
>including
> human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told
>him how
> Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
> Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were
>ill,
> and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I
>have
> pain in my
> side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
>
>
> ###########
>
> Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
> preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think
>about all
> this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa
>Claus
> turned out. It's probably just your dad."

 

[tora]

From the cycle "Russians in America":
A granny arrived in the airport and felt sick after the flight.Her companion advised her that pickles do help.They went to McDonalds to look up for pickles...The companion asked the McDonalds worker:
"We want the pickles."
"We don't have pickles."
"But I can see them in the picture!"
"But they're sliced there!"
"Well,okay,give us the sliced ones."
"Wait a minute, I'll figure it out"
The worker left to talk to the administrator and came back several minutes later.
"Now we'll slice the pickles for you."

 

[yudansha]

laughing time

1. A man prepares the wine by brewing it in large bottles. The carbon dioxide gas needs to escape the bottle while fresh oxygen must not enter. That’s why usually, a latex glove is put on the top of the bottle’s neck, with one small hole. However, it is more convenient to put a condom instead. Well, one time the man comes to a pharmacy with his wife to buy condoms for his wine. The man says to the pharmacist:
- Give me 5 condoms, please.
The wife, not missing a beat, continues:
- No, actually give us 10, so that we have enough for two years…

2. A man spends a third of his life in bed. The other two thirds, the man tries to bring someone to that bed.

3. In the back seat of a taxi, there sit two intellectuals, and quietly speak with each other:
- Did you know, not too long ago, I was a guest at a party, and was given a knife to a fish dish.
- Yes, well, there are people like that. I was also to a party once, where I was offered vodka in a champagne glass.
Taxi driver: - I’m sorry to bother you, but is it O.K. if I sit with my back towards you?

4. A famous psychologist Jonathan Smith was giving a seminar about his recommendations for dealing with and fighting stress:
- If you had one of those days, when you are stressed to the limit so that you hate everybody and everything, then come home from work dropping by the pharmacy. You will need to buy the anal thermometer marked Q-tip. I repeat, this is very important that the anal thermometer is specifically marked with the brand name Q-tip. Upon coming home, change into your favorite clothing, shut all of your curtains, and sit on your bed with your thermometer at hand. Then, get the instructions to the anal thermometer Q-tip, and you will easily find a line stating a guarantee that each thermometer marked Q-tip was individually tested. Now you must close your eyes and at least five times bravely repeat:
Oh how wonderful it is, that I do NOT work as quality inspector for the company Q-tip!

5. A monologue at the smoking section of project institute:
- Today, I actually had a very realistic dream. I dreamt that Sharon Stone and I were painting my bedroom walls. And when I woke up, I still had glue on my hands.

6. Doctor, observing the patients history, tells the man’s wife:
- Your husband is all well. It is backed-up by my analysis of all of his tests and X-rays.
- But doctor, to be absolutely sure, can I open him up myself?

7. Sale section in the newspaper: the entire encyclopaedia Britannica in excellent condition. Not needed anymore. Got married awhile ago. The wife knows all.

8. Non-alcoholic beer  the first step to a plastic woman.

 

[Storm]

What is the difference between a motorway and a call girl?
One knackers your tyres,the other tires your (well work it out)...

 

[ORANGATUANG]

LOL....Very good Storm i have to pass this on to my freinds here in Aussie..Have you got any more i could do with some more laughs.Heather.

 

[Littledragon]

What is the difference between a motorway and a call girl?
One knackers your tyres,the other tires your (well work it out)...

LOLOLOL!! These jokes are killing me!

 

[tora]

Storm...oh Storm...