Laughter is the best medicine!
- Thread starter yudansha
- Start date
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Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news.......
Please join us in remembering a great icon in the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozen of celebrities turned out to pay their respects,including Mrs.Butterworth,Hungry Jack,the California Raisins,Betty Crocker,the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business,but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very "smart" cookie,wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times he still,as a crusty old man,was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife,Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Please join us in remembering a great icon in the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozen of celebrities turned out to pay their respects,including Mrs.Butterworth,Hungry Jack,the California Raisins,Betty Crocker,the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business,but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very "smart" cookie,wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times he still,as a crusty old man,was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife,Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Ashtara
New Member
Amos Stevens
New Member
Californian rednecks
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly,
and Texan jokes,
you know you're
from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are
visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a
house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people
carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a
nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers
and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your
coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the
difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you
to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else
in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks
wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like
George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house
payment.
13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report
on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the
children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave
for work an hour early to avoid all the
weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's
license. If you're here illegally, they want to give
you one
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly,
and Texan jokes,
you know you're
from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are
visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a
house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people
carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a
nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers
and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your
coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the
difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you
to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else
in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks
wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like
George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house
payment.
13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report
on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the
children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave
for work an hour early to avoid all the
weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's
license. If you're here illegally, they want to give
you one
Amos Stevens
New Member
Hollywood Squares
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its
comics, this may bring a tear to your
eyes. These great questions and answers are from the
days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull,
as they are now. Peter
Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under
water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least
how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking
should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000
years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way
sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a
party and you think that he is attractive, is
it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you
get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to
say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple
and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get
Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from
the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or
less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old
question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture
you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.
Are you going to get any during the first
year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two
subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what
is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or
in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in
the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his
tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you
give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be
afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong
with getting into the habit of kissing a
lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your
body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly
isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
horseradish on his head, what was he
trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,
your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for
its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is
up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly
believes in them and has actually seen them on at
least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you
should never do In bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its
comics, this may bring a tear to your
eyes. These great questions and answers are from the
days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull,
as they are now. Peter
Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under
water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least
how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking
should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000
years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way
sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a
party and you think that he is attractive, is
it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you
get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to
say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple
and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get
Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from
the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or
less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old
question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture
you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.
Are you going to get any during the first
year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two
subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what
is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or
in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in
the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his
tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you
give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be
afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong
with getting into the habit of kissing a
lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your
body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly
isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
horseradish on his head, what was he
trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,
your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for
its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is
up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly
believes in them and has actually seen them on at
least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you
should never do In bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
Simple, but funny!Ashtara said:
I liked that--thanks! LOL
Jules
Potters Clay
ONLY IN AMERICA
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes and candy bars at the front.
Only in America....do people order double cheesburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke. While contemplating surgery for being too fat.
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.(Plus hire a rent a cop with a gun that would make Barney Fife look like Dirty Harry.)
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Don't forget screws in three's and nails by the dozen.
Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin means 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures.'
Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes and candy bars at the front.
Only in America....do people order double cheesburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke. While contemplating surgery for being too fat.
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.(Plus hire a rent a cop with a gun that would make Barney Fife look like Dirty Harry.)
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Don't forget screws in three's and nails by the dozen.
Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin means 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures.'
Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Anneliese
Happy go Lucky
Homer, a handsome dude,walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on.The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said," Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says," You know,I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied," Well,I bet he wont."
Homer placed $ 20 on the bar and said," You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,the guy did a swan dive off the building,falling to his death,
The blonde was very upset and handed her $ 20 to Homer,saying,"Fair's fair.Here's your money."
Homer replied." I can't take your money,I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies." I did too: but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money........
Have a great day!!
Anneliese
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on.The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said," Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says," You know,I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied," Well,I bet he wont."
Homer placed $ 20 on the bar and said," You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,the guy did a swan dive off the building,falling to his death,
The blonde was very upset and handed her $ 20 to Homer,saying,"Fair's fair.Here's your money."
Homer replied." I can't take your money,I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies." I did too: but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money........
Have a great day!!
Anneliese
Jules
Potters Clay
EVER WONDER.....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors and lawyers call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a BROKER?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? (and flies)
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors and lawyers call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a BROKER?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? (and flies)
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Amos Stevens
New Member
The Guys Rules
(this was sent to me)
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, the weather, or hunting.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
(this was sent to me)
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, the weather, or hunting.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Jules
Potters Clay
ha, ha Amos....
Amos...it looks better if the lid is down too. Everyone has to move the lid then also.
And young children do not fall in, in the middle of the night and start screaming...trust me!! (poor cub started crying)
"ask for what you want..."
You have too come out and just say it or they miss it entirely.
"Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.."
Mine conveniently forgets with in 24 hours. Makes it hard to argue. Helps to have a cub with a good memory to back me up!
Dress like "Victoria Secret girls...lol ...yeah...whats next?..(clearing throat)...slam, bam, thank you mam.
Amos...it looks better if the lid is down too. Everyone has to move the lid then also.
And young children do not fall in, in the middle of the night and start screaming...trust me!! (poor cub started crying)"ask for what you want..."
You have too come out and just say it or they miss it entirely.
"Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.."
Mine conveniently forgets with in 24 hours. Makes it hard to argue. Helps to have a cub with a good memory to back me up!
Dress like "Victoria Secret girls...lol ...yeah...whats next?..(clearing throat)...slam, bam, thank you mam.
Storm
Smile dammit!
Heh. Good one.
A lad who supports my fav team was on a pre-season tour of Dublin. They were all in a bar and he said," 1st one who can scratch their back with their toes wins the lot".
He threw £2 in an ash tray and passed it round. Well....the thin ones,fat,young and old had a go to be a contortionist but all failed.
"Give up huh?" he said. He rolled up his trouser leg,unscrewed his false leg and scratched his back! He took the money and bought a round of drinks. It's a true story!
The 2nd incident was funny to
ne of lads was so drunk he fell asleep on some steps.His cap fell off and when he woke up there was about £10 of change in it! More drinks,ha ha. All true
A lad who supports my fav team was on a pre-season tour of Dublin. They were all in a bar and he said," 1st one who can scratch their back with their toes wins the lot".
He threw £2 in an ash tray and passed it round. Well....the thin ones,fat,young and old had a go to be a contortionist but all failed.
"Give up huh?" he said. He rolled up his trouser leg,unscrewed his false leg and scratched his back! He took the money and bought a round of drinks. It's a true story!
The 2nd incident was funny to
ne of lads was so drunk he fell asleep on some steps.His cap fell off and when he woke up there was about £10 of change in it! More drinks,ha ha. All true- Status