Laughter is the best medicine!

[katw_03]

Jules

Here is an installment of........

101 of the World's Funniest One liners

If you first don't succeed.....DON'T TRY SKYDIVING!

1)Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

2)Borrow money from a pessimist--they don't expect it back.

3)Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

4) Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

5)I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

6)Never answer an anonymous letter.

7)It's lonely at the top; but but you do eat better.

8)I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

9)Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.

10)Few women admit their age; few men act it.

11)If we aren't suppose to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

12)No one is listening until you make a mistake.

13)Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

14)We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart?"

15)He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16)Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

17)Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

18)Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

19)There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

20)Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

21)Nuke the whales. (I don't like this one. ) (I like whales...some are kind of cute.)

22)I started out with nothing and still have most of it.

23)Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

24)Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

25)A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Those were soooo funny, keep em' coming!

 

[Anneliese]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,"Here's to spending the rest of me life,between the legs of my wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife,Mary,"I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said,"Aye,did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,"Here's to spending the rest of my life,sitting in church beside my wife."

"Oh,that is very nice indeed,John!" Mary said. The next day,Mary run into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.The man chuckled leeringly and said," John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,Mary."

She said," Aye,he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.You know,he's only been there twice in the last four years.Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

*** Have a great day***

Anneliese

 

[Jules]

Ready for more?
26-50 of 101 of the world's funniest one liners.


26)As long as ther are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

27)Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

28)Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

29)The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

30)You can't have everything; where would you put it?

31)I took the IQ test and the results were negative.

32)Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

33)We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

34)Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

35)DNA: National Dyslexic Association.

36)If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

37)I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if without sponges.

38)Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

39)DARE to keep cops off donuts.

40)Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

41)On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42)Dyslexics of the world, untie!

43)God made mankind. Sin made him evil.

44)I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

45)I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

46)Don't steal. The government hates competition.

47)Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

48)National Athiest's Day: April 1st.

49)All generalizations are false.

50)The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. (I guess they never found this website) I like meeting people.

 

[Storm]

Check it out
That last one looks painful..
Btw i put that link to my site for a reason!

 

[Serena]

Check it out

LOLOL Storm

I love the one with the guy hanging out of the window! I don't think I'd be worry about my bare behind while trying to hang on for dear life!

What's that guy eating in that huge sandwich? A dog?

And the last one is just gross--even for a nurse.

 

[Storm]

He gave a *wood*en performance,lol. Well it's not mine is it?!!!!!
Mind you,i like that other one. Let me finish!

 

[Lollipop]

If I were hanging from that building the last thing I would be worried about is using my only free hand to cover my butt!

Yuk, what happen to that man? Yuk Yuk!!!!!!!

 

[Amos Stevens]

A Porsche

A Porsche


"The Porsche"

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and
his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you
get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what
a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen
dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would
sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I
don't know her name, they just moved in. She saw me
ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a
Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a
child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John,
you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house
where the lady lived and found her out in the yard
calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the
father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for
fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call
from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip,
but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii
with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come
back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell
his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

(Are women good or what!)

 

[Storm]

These are about famous footballer David Beckham,good player but a bit dim!

David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why he's celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice

David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says 'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies 'No, just a half, then I'm off'

David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ronaldo.
Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.
"No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."

I love the last one,ha ha.

 

[Anneliese]

BLONDE JOKE!!!

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day,they noticed the boss left work early. One day,the girls decided that, when the boss left,they would leave right behind her.After all,she never called or came back to work,so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early.She did a little gardening,spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband,but when she got to her bedroom,she heard a muffled noise from the inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently,she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way,"the blonde exclaimed." I almost got caught yesterday!"


I Love my Computer.Because my friends live in it.

Have a great day!!

Anneliese

I am a blonde,but I can't resist some of those blonde jokes.They are too good NOT
to pass on

 

[Hallarian]

I love the one about the Porsche!

 

[Storm]

Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?
A: Arsenal, S****horpe and F*****g Man Utd.

Q: What do you need if you see a Man Utd fan buried up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand.

Q: What's the difference between a Man Utd fan and a supermarket trolley?
A: The trolley has a mind of it's own.

Read on before you think it's anti-woman..

> In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,
>>> > > > where their family member lay gravely ill.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
>>> > > > the worried faces.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
>>> > > > transplant.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only
>>> hope.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for
>>> > > > the brain yourselves."
>>> > > >
>>> > > > The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
>>> > > > great
>>> > >
>>> > > > length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain
>>> > > > cost?"
>>> > > >
>>> > > > The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200
>>> > > > for a
>>> > >
>>> > > > female brain."
>>> > > >
>>> > > > The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
>>> > > > avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
>>> > > > everyone wanted to ask,
>>> > > >
>>> > > > "Why is the male brain so much more?"
>>> > > >
>>> > > > The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the
>>> > > > entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to
>>> > > > mark
>>> >
>>> > > > down the price of the female brains, because they've actually
>>> > > > been
>>>
>>> > > > used."
>>> > > >
>>> > > > SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU
>>> > > > THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

 

[katw_03]

Really great stuff Storm!

Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?
A: Arsenal, S****horpe and F*****g Man Utd.

Q: What do you need if you see a Man Utd fan buried up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand.

Q: What's the difference between a Man Utd fan and a supermarket trolley?
A: The trolley has a mind of it's own.

Read on before you think it's anti-woman..

> In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,
>>> > > > where their family member lay gravely ill.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
>>> > > > the worried faces.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
>>> > > > transplant.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only
>>> hope.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for
>>> > > > the brain yourselves."
>>> > > >
>>> > > > The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
>>> > > > great
>>> > >
>>> > > > length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain
>>> > > > cost?"
>>> > > >
>>> > > > The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200
>>> > > > for a
>>> > >
>>> > > > female brain."
>>> > > >
>>> > > > The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
>>> > > > avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
>>> > > > everyone wanted to ask,
>>> > > >
>>> > > > "Why is the male brain so much more?"
>>> > > >
>>> > > > The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the
>>> > > > entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to
>>> > > > mark
>>> >
>>> > > > down the price of the female brains, because they've actually
>>> > > > been
>>>
>>> > > > used."
>>> > > >
>>> > > > SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU
>>> > > > THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

I ESPECIALLY loved the brain transplant!!

 

[tora]

I like the anti-women stuff
Hey hey,more sand to a Man Utd fan?More water to the enemy!Now I am touched
Arsenal What?Well,whetever,Sucks anyway

 

[Lollipop]

Sorry but so true!!!!!

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the
entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to
markdown the price of the female brains, because they've actually
been used."



Read on before you think it's anti-woman..


Thanks for adding that I was about to not read!!!!!!!
The pricing seem's fair to me!!

Thanks Storm

 

[Serena]

Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?
A: Arsenal, S****horpe and F*****g Man Utd.

Q: What do you need if you see a Man Utd fan buried up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand.

Q: What's the difference between a Man Utd fan and a supermarket trolley?
A: The trolley has a mind of it's own.

Read on before you think it's anti-woman..

> In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,
>>> > > > where their family member lay gravely ill.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
>>> > > > the worried faces.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
>>> > > > transplant.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only
>>> hope.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for
>>> > > > the brain yourselves."
>>> > > >
>>> > > > The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
>>> > > > great
>>> > >
>>> > > > length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain
>>> > > > cost?"
>>> > > >
>>> > > > The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200
>>> > > > for a
>>> > >
>>> > > > female brain."
>>> > > >
>>> > > > The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
>>> > > > avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
>>> > > >
>>> > > > A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
>>> > > > everyone wanted to ask,
>>> > > >
>>> > > > "Why is the male brain so much more?"
>>> > > >
>>> > > > The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the
>>> > > > entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to
>>> > > > mark
>>> >
>>> > > > down the price of the female brains, because they've actually
>>> > > > been
>>>
>>> > > > used."
>>> > > >
>>> > > > SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU
>>> > > > THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

Well, guess you'd need to be an international football/soccer fan to appreciate the first few. :indiffere
Though I did laugh at the one with the sand and supermarket trolley.

And I LOVED the brain one, Storm. LOL That's going on the place of honor in the break room at work.

 

[Lollipop]

And I LOVED the brain one, Storm. LOL That's going on the place of honor in the break room at work.


I liked that to Serena finally some acknowledgement that we might have the edge! Poor Storm is going to hate he posted that! No, he is a trooper!

 

[Jules]

I almost forgot another installment of....
101 of the world's funniest one liners.

51)Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

52)If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

53)For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

54)IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.

55)I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

56)I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

57)I can handle pain until it hurts.

58)No matter where you go, you're there.

59)If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

60)It's been Monday all week.

61)Gravity always gets me down.

62)This statement is false.

63)Eschew obfuscation.

64)They told me I was gullible....and I believed them.

65)It's bad luck to be superstitious.

66)According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

67)The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.

68)Honk if you like peace and quiet.

69)The Big Bang Theory: God spoke and BANG! it happened.

70)Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

71)Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

72)Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

73)A day without sunshine is like night.

74)The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets gets the cheese.

75)Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

 

[Lollipop]

We still have more coming right!!

I like the one "The second mouse gets the cheese"
I don't know many jokes! Life is to funny for me!! But did remember this one!

This ole guy was having trouble with mice so he went out and got a few mouse traps, went to the fridge and had no cheese! He thought about for a minute then went to a magazine and cut out some pictures of cheese that were on some of the Kraft ads! He set up the traps and placed a picture of cheese on each and went to bed. The next morning he checked the traps and there were pictures of mice on each!

Sorry that is about as funny as I can be! I just wanted to contribute something to this thread!

 

[Storm]

Glad you liked them girls.These are funny and near the knuckle...
Must get me a shirt like this