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The guide for a good Seagal Movie! (10 tip edition)

hofmae

New Member
#1
Dear Producers, Writers, Directors and Millionares.

If you want to make a successfull seagal movie, that the fans will like there are some simple tips you have to look at:

1. Don't take homeless people to do Seagal's Voice
2. Don't take a stunt double for a scene if its not necessary (as example: When Steven is getting out of a bed)
3. We don't need in every movie a 20 year old whore that has sex with Steven.
4. Please don't slow down all fights, i think we can follow the fight in normal speed.
5. Please write a normal story. We don't need script changes, and we don't need a new enemy and a new betrayer every 3 minutes in a movie.
6. Please show Steven's Face. We don't need his face in every movie in ****ing shadows.
7. We know how a person gets out of car. We don't need in every movie 30 minutes of people getting out an in of cars (and we don't need in every movie 30 minutes of mobile phone talking)
8. We don't need a helicopter explosion that looks like it was made for 5$. We don't need it.
9. We don't need a movie where its always night. Sometimes we like to see the actors.

and finally tip 10, how can you make a good seagal movie (as example)

1. Seagals daughter get kidnapped, his wife get killed
2. Seagal finds out that the killer were russian terrorists in connection with turkish drugdealers, swiss chocolate fakers and the italian mafia
3. Seagal kills everyone (in 239 hand to hand combats)
4. At the end he takes everything that lies around and stick it into the enemys (knifes, spoons, tables, ...)
5. Seagal goes home with his daughter, and he buys his daughter and white horse in a leather suit.

Thats it.
 
#4
UMMMMMM how about Seagal? You act as if these horrible movies aren't his fault. He's working with the same producers as Van Damme and others and their movies are coming out a heck of a lot better. That tells me that Seagal is the problem.
 

hofmae

New Member
#7
yeah suzi i know how much you liked the Story of "Out of Reach" so i decided to bring back the turkish criminals :) But i also brought swiss criminals, so you will forgive me right?! :)
 

suziwong

Administrator
Staff member
#8
hofmae said:
yeah suzi i know how much you liked the Story of "Out of Reach" so i decided to bring back the turkish criminals :) But i also brought swiss criminals, so you will forgive me right?! :)
heeeeeeeeeeeeee :p exactly you are right Out Of Reach was the best Steven Seagal movie since 2000.. :D
 
#9
You didn`t mention the enviroment Seagal and the environtmet go very good together: for excample Fire Down Below.

Also we have had enough kidnap movies with seagal, we need something new, something fresh LETS PUT HIM IN A HORROR MOVIE!


Greetz,
Malerick
 

supertom

Disgruntled fan!
#10
That was funny!

On a serious note though Seagal needs to stop working with the same types of studio's and producers, who are intent on nothing more than making money, and no importance on quality. Seagal's last few films have had severe script problems, re-writes etc and have ended up making little sense. The producers seem to think that they can release anything just as long as Seagal's head is on the cover, and they have enough blood and violence in the film.
An upturn in his career CAN happen though. Dolph Lundgren is a prime example. He used to do a lot of dire films with poor production, like Agent Red (a classic example of poor production, that's wildly different to the orginal pitch).

Firstly Lundgren started directing his movies. The result, arguably his two best rated movies!

Secondly, Lundgren is now distancing himself from producers who are purely business.

His next film is the Inquiry, a biblical epic. It's an Italian/US co-production, about 20 million dollars cost. It's not quickly and poorly produced, following the DTV action system. They've spent money on a top cast, including F Murray Abraham (Oscar winner) and Max Von Sydow (Oscar nominee and Golden Globe winner). They've taken their time too, with a lengthy shoot (Seagal films of late usually are shot within a month, so everything in essence is rushed). It will be released in theatres in Italy for definite, and then possibly in other European countries, and an outside chance of a US release.

Next up is Diamond Dogs, a US/China co-production. The plot is also something a little different to the usual thing (Seagal's current plotlines all end up very similar to one another). The Chinese production company doing the film have also produced, amongst other things, Kung Fu Hustle 1 and 2, The Myth, Fearless, and will also produce John Woo's Battle of the Red Cliff. The cinematographer is oscar nominated for House of Flying Daggers, and he's also doing the upcoming flick Curse of the Golden Flower (A Yimou Zhang film). The crew is predominently chinese, including the stunt team and fight co-ordinator which promises some good action (Seagal's best in recent years was Belly Of The Beast which had HK stunt guys and was directed by the guy who did the fights in hero, and also directed A Chinese Ghost Stroy). Also the film had a three month shooting schedule, in China as well (not eastern Europe as usual).
Tumbling Dice is a sequel to DD, which is also set in China (Shanghai) and will be as above.

Dolph will then direct, and write a western, which he himself must find financing for. He'll be in control.

OR he'll direct and produce indie flick Double or Nothing, from writer Daniel Yost (The critically acclaimed writer of Drugstore Cowboy).

Finally he has a couple of russian set films he'll direct and produce.

Now this is good going from Dolph, who has stated he doesn't want to be connected with films as poor as some of his later ones have been, such as Agent Red. And if he's in demand from producers outside of the low budget action studio world, then Seagal certainly will be.

Seagal had the right idea's with Belly Of The Beast and Into The Sun. Both had their flaws but they weren't lazilly produced they were just misfires. It's no surprise they are his most popular DTV films on these boards, because they had a much better ethic. Seagal needs to do more like that, and like Dolph. If they fail, it's not for lack of effort, or from producers with a total lack of respect for their audiences. I completely understand how some Die Hard Seagal fans enjoy whatever he puts out, but make no mistake, in something like Today You Die for example. The producers have no respect for the intellect of their audience at all. Seagal of course has the choice to not work with these kind of people, and from what we've heard it seems he won't ever work with the producers of his last 6 films ever again. It's no surprise his name hasn't been attached to a new project in a while. He'll probably only do POP if it can be done right, and get financed by people intent on making a good movie first, and money second. I do believe it's finally got to Seagal, how his movie career is going, hence his shift into music.

Good luck Steven, and here's hoping you bring out someting special next year.