Laughter is the best medicine (part 2)

Storm

Smile dammit!
Some good ones here. I like that scale pic.
What do you call a guy floating in the sea?
Bob...
What do you call a guy looks like a phallic symbol.
Dick..;)
 

Serena

Administrator
Storm said:
Some good ones here. I like that scale pic.
What do you call a guy floating in the sea?
Bob...
What do you call a guy looks like a phallic symbol.
Dick..;)
:D Haaa :D
Simple, but funny. I can relate to that! :D

I love that addition to your signature, Storm. ;)
"Visit or be cursed forever." ooohh :eek: :D
 

Lollipop

Banned
Storm said:
Some good ones here. I like that scale pic.
What do you call a guy floating in the sea?
Bob...
What do you call a guy looks like a phallic symbol.
Dick..;)

Funny Storm!! ;)
 

Lollipop

Banned
............................................................................................................
 

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TDWoj

Administrator
Staff member
ELEPHANT HUNTING

In order to hunt elephants:

A PROGRAMMER:
1. Begins at the tip of South Africa
2. Performs alternating west to east and east to west searches
3. Decrements the latitude argument in a non integer sequence between each search
4. Finds an animal
5. Compares found animal to a known elephant
6. If found animal matches known elephant terminates search else resumes at 3
7. End.

AN EXPERIENCED PROGRAMMER:
Places an elephant in Cairo, Egypt to ensure that the search will terminate properly before initiating the above.

AN ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMER:
Will perform the same search on hands and knees.

A MATHEMATICIAN:
Will first develop a hypothesis supporting the existence of a unique elephant before proceeding with the search as a subordinate operation, collecting all animals found, testing them against the hypothesis and discarding all that don't fit.

A PROFESSOR OF MATHEMATICS:
Will first develop a hypothesis supporting the existence of a unique elephant before sending his/her students on the search, requiring that they collect all animals found, test them against the hypothesis, and bring all matching animals to him for publication.

AN ENGINEER:
After determining that an elephant is a mammal, grey and weighs 3.628739*(10^ 3) kg, will begin the search collecting all grey mammals. When the sum of the weight of all the collected grey mammals equals the specified weight of an elephant, +/- 10%, the search will be terminated.

TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMISTS:
Don't hunt elephants. They believe that if you give the elephants a small tax incentive, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS:
Hunt the first animal they encounter n times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS:
Don't actually hunt elephants and indeed may never have hunted elephants, but they can be hired at great expense by the hour, plus expenses, of course, to advise those who do.

This will include the time it takes to find out what an elephant is.

POLITICIANS:
Don't hunt elephants but will share any elephants YOU catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS:
Don't hunt elephants, but they do follow herds around arguing about who owns the ****.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS:
Will claim that they know who owns the entire herd based on the look and feel of one pile of ****.

CEOs:
May try to hunt elephants but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the CEO does go to hunt elephants, their staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the CEO sees them. If the CEO does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, the staff will:

1. Compliment the CEO's keen eyesight, and
2. Enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGEMENT:
Sets broad elephant hunting policies based on the assumption that elephants are just like big field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE STAFF:
Ignore the elephants and spend their time looking for mistakes the hunters made while packing the jeep.

SALES STAFF:
Don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants to the hunters who haven't caught any yet, and promising delivery two days before the opening of elephant hunting season.

SOFTWARE SALES STAFF:
Ship the first thing they catch, write up an invoice for an elephant, modify the documentation to match and promise a real elephant at the next update.

HARDWARE SALES STAFF:
Catch rabbits, paint them grey and sell them as lap top elephants.

MBAs:
Only hunt elephants they can see from where they're standing.
 

Lollipop

Banned
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
 

Lollipop

Banned
Thought you might enjoy these!

Save the whales -- collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember that half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria -- they are the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, obviously you have overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?



Arasini Foundation

Copyright © 1998-2005
 

Serena

Administrator
Lollipop said:
Save the whales -- collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember that half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria -- they are the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, obviously you have overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Arasini Foundation

Copyright © 1998-2005
:D Haaa :D These were really good, Lollipop! I love these little one-liner things. Not much thought required--just laugh! :D I was going to quote some I thought were particularly funny, but there were too many. LOL Any more of these types?
 

Serena

Administrator
Lollipop said:
Of course I took them from a Laughter website!! I am not the creative wise one, you are!!!
Well, I didn't think you created them!
Not that I don't think you're creative. :D

It was this clue at the bottom that gave it away. ;)

"Arasini Foundation
Copyright © 1998-2005"
:D
 

Storm

Smile dammit!
Good list there Lollipop.
Ever wonder what Darth Vader and his stormtroopers do in their spare time?..;)
You need a social life if you rule the galaxy.
 

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Serena

Administrator
Storm said:
Good list there Lollipop.
Ever wonder what Darth Vader and his stormtroopers do in their spare time?..;)
You need a social life if you rule the galaxy.
LOLOL :D Storm :D
Those are sure different! LOL Some people REALLY need to get a life, eh? ;) :D
I really liked the one with the oranges. :eek: :D
 

Lollipop

Banned
My jokes are so bad I am now being emailed jokes to post! Will not mention no names!! But he is the fibble and ornery one!!! :D :D



FIRST TESTIMONY:


I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow
job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went
back. My husband
didn't say a word...he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of
golf balls I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached
by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a
store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the
display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any
help I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned...and I turned beet-red and walked
away.

To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able
to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right
now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind
me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was
clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while, so asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an
accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled,
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their
tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for
the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for
2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the
future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any
....a true story..

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last
night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the
crew did too they were laughing so hard!
 

Lollipop

Banned
Amos Stevens said:
Thanks Lollipop...I ain't fibble-the sun has just fried my brain :)


Wear a hat!! :D :D


WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
 

Serena

Administrator
Lollipop said:
Wear a hat!! :D :D


WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
:D Lollipop!! LOLOL "Wear a hat" was the best one! :D
The rest were funny too, though. :D
 

Lollipop

Banned
Answering Machine Messages

1. Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a male, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
 
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