Laughter is the best medicine!
- Thread starter yudansha
- Start date
- Status
See what chimp picture below, Yudansha? 
yudansha
TheGreatOne
evolution picture ... take a look around (it's also an excellent song by Limp Bizkit)
and I thought you were resourceful Serena ... j/k
well it depends, when I was posting, the picture was below in one of the replies below the one I posted
but sometimes, the most recent reply is at the bottom of the page - so i guess for those times, the picture of the chimp was 'above'
the picture the 'evolution' picture that shows that even evolution cannot stop some mutations from occuring
and I thought you were resourceful Serena ... j/k
well it depends, when I was posting, the picture was below in one of the replies below the one I posted
but sometimes, the most recent reply is at the bottom of the page - so i guess for those times, the picture of the chimp was 'above'
the picture the 'evolution' picture that shows that even evolution cannot stop some mutations from occuring
yudansha said:
Well, I've been put in my place--but good!
Hey, I've waded patiently through others' blabbering--they can do the same for mine. But, since it's your thread--okay. 
A man takes his wife to the doctor and after a few days the doctor's office calls to say there was a problem with the results of tests and they ask him to come in to discuss it.
The doctor says, "Your wife's lab tests were mixed up and we're not sure whether she has herpes or Alzheimer's". The man says, "What should I do, how can I find out?" To which the doctor says: "Take her to the mall parking lot and drop her off and drive home - if she remembers how to get home and makes it back okay - don't sleep with her!"
yudansha
TheGreatOne
some colour was added to the site so here's some colour to your day
- Billy, I was flying in my dreams again!
- Gran! How many times do you I have to tell you, YOUR pills are in the other cup!
- Boys come on stop it! … Boys, it’s too late.
- Alright, we’ll take it out…
Two women talking:
- I met him in 20 and left at 23.
- I thought 3 hours was enough…
A doctor comes into the room where there lies a young woman.
- Good morning, take off your clothe, I need to make an observation.
- But I was already observed by your colleague, who said that I was in good shape!
- Yes, yes, he told me the same thing…
- Would you like coffee with scotch?
- Without.
- Without scotch?
- Without coffee.
My IQ is rising! 18 soon!
It was made illegal for the Russian planes to fly over Europe due to sound violations. The management of “Aeroflot” (Russian airlines) came up with the solution, and ordered to stop selling vodka during flights.
Americans caught a Russian spy and are testing him via a lie-detector test:
- Did you kill Johanson?
- No! (detector shows – TRUTH)
- Were you ordered to kill Johanson?
- No! (detector shows – TRUTH)
- Were you given an explosive to pass onto Johanson?
- No! (detector shows – TRUTH)
Tests were shown unsuccessful and the spy was let go. His friend met him, and the spy exclaimed hitting himself on the head:
- Now I get it! The guy I destroyed was named Johanson!
Two farmers meet:
- How is it that your cow brings 100 litres each day?
- It’s all in being polite. I come to her and politely ask – what is it going to be, milk or beef today?
A man and a woman go out on their first date. A man comes to the woman’s house to pick her up. She is ready but needs to put on her lipstick. The man walks around nervously as he waits while she puts on her lipstick in front of him. So she does, smacking her lips.
- “Would you like to try my lipstick?” she asks hoping to start the date on a good note.
The man comes, takes her lipstick and takes a bite…
Woman talk to her friend:
- I’d like to have a husband.
- Me too, but I don’t know who’s.
What’s the difference between a man and a woman?
A woman is always capable, but not always desires; whereas the man is the other way around.
When will there be world hunger?
When Chinese learn to use the fork.
What’s the difference in men’s and women’s legs?
The difference is not IN them, it’s BETWEEN them.
Where is the woman’s appendix?
When you enter, it’s on the left.
Phone-call:
- Hi do you need a refrigerator?
- No!
- Then we’ll come and get it.
- Billy, I was flying in my dreams again!
- Gran! How many times do you I have to tell you, YOUR pills are in the other cup!
- Boys come on stop it! … Boys, it’s too late.
- Alright, we’ll take it out…
Two women talking:
- I met him in 20 and left at 23.
- I thought 3 hours was enough…
A doctor comes into the room where there lies a young woman.
- Good morning, take off your clothe, I need to make an observation.
- But I was already observed by your colleague, who said that I was in good shape!
- Yes, yes, he told me the same thing…
- Would you like coffee with scotch?
- Without.
- Without scotch?
- Without coffee.
My IQ is rising! 18 soon!
It was made illegal for the Russian planes to fly over Europe due to sound violations. The management of “Aeroflot” (Russian airlines) came up with the solution, and ordered to stop selling vodka during flights.
Americans caught a Russian spy and are testing him via a lie-detector test:
- Did you kill Johanson?
- No! (detector shows – TRUTH)
- Were you ordered to kill Johanson?
- No! (detector shows – TRUTH)
- Were you given an explosive to pass onto Johanson?
- No! (detector shows – TRUTH)
Tests were shown unsuccessful and the spy was let go. His friend met him, and the spy exclaimed hitting himself on the head:
- Now I get it! The guy I destroyed was named Johanson!
Two farmers meet:
- How is it that your cow brings 100 litres each day?
- It’s all in being polite. I come to her and politely ask – what is it going to be, milk or beef today?
A man and a woman go out on their first date. A man comes to the woman’s house to pick her up. She is ready but needs to put on her lipstick. The man walks around nervously as he waits while she puts on her lipstick in front of him. So she does, smacking her lips.
- “Would you like to try my lipstick?” she asks hoping to start the date on a good note.
The man comes, takes her lipstick and takes a bite…
Woman talk to her friend:
- I’d like to have a husband.
- Me too, but I don’t know who’s.
What’s the difference between a man and a woman?
A woman is always capable, but not always desires; whereas the man is the other way around.
When will there be world hunger?
When Chinese learn to use the fork.
What’s the difference in men’s and women’s legs?
The difference is not IN them, it’s BETWEEN them.
Where is the woman’s appendix?
When you enter, it’s on the left.
Phone-call:
- Hi do you need a refrigerator?
- No!
- Then we’ll come and get it.
Storm
Smile dammit!
Har har.I like that one.And yes Serena,you trawl through some,er,stuff so let them do the same for you.Serena said:Well, I've been put in my place--but good!
A man takes his wife to the doctor and after a few days the doctor's office calls to say there was a problem with the results of tests and they ask him to come in to discuss it.
The doctor says, "Your wife's lab tests were mixed up and we're not sure whether she has herpes or Alzheimer's". The man says, "What should I do, how can I find out?" To which the doctor says: "Take her to the mall parking lot and drop her off and drive home - if she remembers how to get home and makes it back okay - don't sleep with her!"
Storm said:
Darn right! Thanks, Storm.
A manufacturer's technician was in a small town in the Carolinas, repairing some new specialized machinery, when his trip was suddenly prolonged for an extra month due to some problems in completing the job.
He was already getting bored with the the town. It seemed as if they rolled up the streets and turned out the lights by ten o'clock and over the course of the extra month he was getting very homesick. Finally, he gave in to temptation and visited the local brothel on the outskirts of town..
He entered and handed the madam a hundred dollar bill and requested, "Can you give me the worst performing , most lethargic, disinterested woman in the house.."
The madam says, "Well yes, but for this kind of money, you can have the best we have if you like."
"No, no," says our boy, "you don't understand, I'm not horny. I'm married and just homesick."
Amos Stevens
New Member
From Catlady:
A WEEK AT THE GYM - A WOMAN'S STORY
Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He
is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He
took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my
pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his
Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he
conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce
was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a
fantastic week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air ? then he put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he
scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got
on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He
said some other stuff too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work
out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
Rowing machine which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that ******* Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
briceps. I don't have any triceps! And if he doesn't want dents in the
floor, he shouldn't have handed me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed
on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband (the *******) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root
canal or a hysterectomy.
A WEEK AT THE GYM - A WOMAN'S STORY
Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He
is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He
took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my
pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his
Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he
conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce
was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a
fantastic week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air ? then he put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he
scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got
on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He
said some other stuff too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work
out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
Rowing machine which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that ******* Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
briceps. I don't have any triceps! And if he doesn't want dents in the
floor, he shouldn't have handed me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed
on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband (the *******) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root
canal or a hysterectomy.
yudansha
TheGreatOne
Lame, but funny, truly (I wouldn't lie ... or would I? - check it out to find out)
I still think that Bill Cosby and Seinfeld were the two, and only greatest, but this viewer believes there WAS a successor ... read it and weep ((=:
"As we sit on the theshold of the third last episode of Friends - it seems an appropriate time to grieve the loss of a trusted 'friend.' Today we mourn the death of the sitcom."
The Death of the Sitcom (2004) - PLANET HOLLYWOOD: INSIDE
Inside the restaurant, before a star-studded assembly that includes Michael J. Fox, Gary Coleman, Ted Danson, Suzanne Sommers, Mary Tyler Moore and Nell Carter, and Steven Seagal (for good measure :=), Tony Danza delivers his eulogy. It is entitled, "The Death of the Sitcom".
TONY DANZA - delivers the eulogy, doing a remarkable job of hiding his pain.
My friends, we are gathered here today to mourn the love of a beloved and cherished friend.
Kirstie Alley runs out of the room, sobbing uncontrollably. She is not upset by the funeral, but about an article written on her in The National Enquirer.
DANZA
Sitcoms have been good to us. They have made us laugh. They have made us cry. They have made me a lot of money. But today, the day after the final episode of Friends, the genre of TV known as the sitcom is truly dead.
We tried to keep it going as long as possible. But for every Bill Cosby we were saddled with a Patrick Duffy. When we lost a Suzanne Sommers, we replaced her with a Prescilla Barnes. When we lost Michael J. Fox, he was replaced with (Danza is visibly choked up by this)...Charlie Sheen!
The crowd begins to boo.
DANZA
Friends, we knew something was wrong when American Idol occupied both the top spots in the ratings every week. We knew our days were numbered when Jerry Seinfeld stopped taping his show and dedicated himself completely to American Express commercials. I knew it was over when "I'll go tally the votes" became more prevalent in the collective unconscious than "Eh oh, oh eh!"
The sitcom is dead. Pretenders will rise to try to fill the void, but they will fail. Humour on television will be relegated to Conan O'Brien's monologue and Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.
Danza begins to weep uncontrollably. A screen at Planet Hollywood descends from the ceiling and projects an image of John Ritter. REM's It's the End of the World As We Know It (and I feel fine) plays in the background. Joyce DeWitt looks shaken.
The sitcom is dead. Long live the sitcom.
FADE TO BLACK
I still think that Bill Cosby and Seinfeld were the two, and only greatest, but this viewer believes there WAS a successor ... read it and weep ((=:
"As we sit on the theshold of the third last episode of Friends - it seems an appropriate time to grieve the loss of a trusted 'friend.' Today we mourn the death of the sitcom."
The Death of the Sitcom (2004) - PLANET HOLLYWOOD: INSIDE
Inside the restaurant, before a star-studded assembly that includes Michael J. Fox, Gary Coleman, Ted Danson, Suzanne Sommers, Mary Tyler Moore and Nell Carter, and Steven Seagal (for good measure :=), Tony Danza delivers his eulogy. It is entitled, "The Death of the Sitcom".
TONY DANZA - delivers the eulogy, doing a remarkable job of hiding his pain.
My friends, we are gathered here today to mourn the love of a beloved and cherished friend.
Kirstie Alley runs out of the room, sobbing uncontrollably. She is not upset by the funeral, but about an article written on her in The National Enquirer.
DANZA
Sitcoms have been good to us. They have made us laugh. They have made us cry. They have made me a lot of money. But today, the day after the final episode of Friends, the genre of TV known as the sitcom is truly dead.
We tried to keep it going as long as possible. But for every Bill Cosby we were saddled with a Patrick Duffy. When we lost a Suzanne Sommers, we replaced her with a Prescilla Barnes. When we lost Michael J. Fox, he was replaced with (Danza is visibly choked up by this)...Charlie Sheen!
The crowd begins to boo.
DANZA
Friends, we knew something was wrong when American Idol occupied both the top spots in the ratings every week. We knew our days were numbered when Jerry Seinfeld stopped taping his show and dedicated himself completely to American Express commercials. I knew it was over when "I'll go tally the votes" became more prevalent in the collective unconscious than "Eh oh, oh eh!"
The sitcom is dead. Pretenders will rise to try to fill the void, but they will fail. Humour on television will be relegated to Conan O'Brien's monologue and Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.
Danza begins to weep uncontrollably. A screen at Planet Hollywood descends from the ceiling and projects an image of John Ritter. REM's It's the End of the World As We Know It (and I feel fine) plays in the background. Joyce DeWitt looks shaken.
The sitcom is dead. Long live the sitcom.
FADE TO BLACK
yudansha
TheGreatOne
"Time Well Wasted" :=)
Playing all this week on Comedy Central: "100 Greatest Stand Ups of All Time"
10.30AM-12.00PM & 5.00PM-7.00PM Eastern Time every day.
Visit: http://www.comedycentral.com/ for more information! :=))
Oh yeah, and also you'd want to check out this Chappelle's Show at 10.00PM.
Here are some shots from the show:
Playing all this week on Comedy Central: "100 Greatest Stand Ups of All Time"
10.30AM-12.00PM & 5.00PM-7.00PM Eastern Time every day.
Visit: http://www.comedycentral.com/ for more information! :=))
Oh yeah, and also you'd want to check out this Chappelle's Show at 10.00PM.
Here are some shots from the show:
yudansha
TheGreatOne
Word of the Day: LAUGH!
Stitches Humour...
A popular urologist in Hamilton drives around with a licence plate - PP DOC.
(LOL recall Kramer in Seinfeld, when he mistakenly got the licence plate of a proctologist - ASSMAN)
Licence plate for an elected politician - IMNOT4U
Stitches Humour...
A popular urologist in Hamilton drives around with a licence plate - PP DOC.
(LOL recall Kramer in Seinfeld, when he mistakenly got the licence plate of a proctologist - ASSMAN)
Licence plate for an elected politician - IMNOT4U
Attachments
yudansha
TheGreatOne
More Stitches...
Letters You'll Never Receive:
From Canada Revenue Agency - Dear Generous Taxpayer, in going over your return for the last five years, we find that you have overpaid your taxes by the total amount of $16,548. We here at the CRA believe in fairness as well as vigilance, so please find enclosed our cheque for $19,861m wgucg us a rerund of your overpayment plus interest in the amount of $3,313. The entire amount is non-taxable to you. Enjoy! ... by Sunshine Deputy District Director Canada Revenue Agency.
Dear Extraordinary Patient, I want you to know how much I appreciate your coming to me for all your many successful sex-change surgeries. No matter which gender you become after each change, you have made my reputation soar, not to mention your own. I just hope you never make up your mind. Hoping to see you soon, Dr. Lancelot Labido.
Letters You'll Never Receive:
From Canada Revenue Agency - Dear Generous Taxpayer, in going over your return for the last five years, we find that you have overpaid your taxes by the total amount of $16,548. We here at the CRA believe in fairness as well as vigilance, so please find enclosed our cheque for $19,861m wgucg us a rerund of your overpayment plus interest in the amount of $3,313. The entire amount is non-taxable to you. Enjoy! ... by Sunshine Deputy District Director Canada Revenue Agency.
Dear Extraordinary Patient, I want you to know how much I appreciate your coming to me for all your many successful sex-change surgeries. No matter which gender you become after each change, you have made my reputation soar, not to mention your own. I just hope you never make up your mind. Hoping to see you soon, Dr. Lancelot Labido.
- Status